Thursday, January 31, 2008

A memory stirs...

Growing up, I was never really that confident, self assured kid that could say what he wanted or had friends who followed him around. My defining characteristic growing up was an unreasonably fierce loyalty to my friends in the face of anything, and I mean... anything. From walking a mile on a sprained ankle because friends wanted me to go get breakfast with them, to getting chased by police, or having another group of older, bigger, kids come try to bully us off the basketball court behind the township little league fields. 3 of us, 20 of them, and there was no hesitation on my part, if J said we were staying then we were staying. When they came on the court to try to stop us from playing and J said keep playing, I kept playing. It wasn't that I was just a blind follower of anyone but that for whatever reason, whatever charisma that J had 10 years old 'hooked me' so to speak and I'd go wherever, do whatever he'd ask.

We were playing basketball back behind the little league fields in the city I grew up in. J, R, E, and myself if I remember correctly. This court, this set of little league fields, snack bar, etc. were ours. All our fathers' were coaches, on the Exec board, coaches on the All-Star team that we were all on, had keys to the whole place.... it was ours. We were about 10-11 years old at that time. There was a private school across the way for more middle school aged kids and that particular day, they came over and decided they wanted the court. There were about 15-20 of them in total compared to the 4 of us and they decided they wanted the whole court and we had to leave. At this juncture, R decided the best choice was to actually vacate the court and go sit on the swings, which was a move significantly indicative of his character. J on the other hand, was pretty much telling them to f* off with me standing to his right unwavering in support, and E slightly further off to the left slightly, but still with us. More words might have been exchanged at this point, but ultimately it was decided that they could pick any 3 of their group to play us for the court. If we won, the court stayed ours and if they won we left the court to them.

The exact details have long since faded, but basically we played a half court game, to like 5 or 7 baskets, with the rest of them looking on/cheering for them, and R all the way across the field swinging by himself. J being captain of the All-Star team pulled E and I in at the top of the key, spoke a few short abrupt inspirational sentences probably something along the lines of: this is our court and we're not going to let them take it now let's go f*ing kick their asses. The game commenced, three 10 year olds against three bigger 13 year olds.... it was a veritable playground David versus Goliath.

Who knows who scored first, or how physical the game was or wasn't. It was essentially a street ball game so there were undoubtedly pushes and elbows and multiple time hitting the ground. This much, I do remember. J was always a smaller faster kid and this helped him get around the kids they picked to play with little difficulty. E was average sized for our age and as such he got in a few shots here and there but was largely shutdown. Me, being taller than average, did have a few inches on my opponent, which helped make the difference but I remember him being a much heavier individual than I was so he had the body weight advantage. It was close through the first 3-5 points, back and forth with no clear leader. A shot came off the rim right between my bigger opponent and I. As it happened we both grabbed it at the same time, and that's when things got interesting. He was bigger, probably a bit stronger, but I remember hearing J start yelling at me to get that f*ing ball and don't let go. That pretty much settled that, because what I didn't have in brute strength or size, I more than could make up for in drive, in 'heart' as they call it. I remember thinking at the time, that no matter what happened or how much I got hurt or anything, I was not letting go of that ball and was getting it for J. It never got violent but all his friends started yelling, and J and kept yelling and we must have pulled each other all over the court for at least a minute or two with neither grip loosening. I could hardly feel my arms or abs at that point because of how unwaveringly I set them around that ball. After it was clear neither of us were giving it up and everyone else got bored of watching us go at it, it was decided that we'd have a jump ball between him and I to determine who got it. I remember, even as we were told it was ok to let go, that I had to have the ball and yanked it out of his hands at the end to give over for the jump. As I tried to straighten myself up I felt how tight my abs were, and saw him wince the same way. I remember thinking at the time that he was in the same shape I was in, so despite how I felt, now was when I could take the advantage to beat him. One of his group who wasn't playing came in to throw the ball for the jump. And jump I did. I still remember the searing pain that shot across my midsection as I jumped and stretched up to win the jump and hit it over to J. That was the turning point in the game. My opponent was exhausted from the battle we just had, and J was still able to consistently beat his off the dribble and between J and I, they didn't score again and we won. Some of their numbers had dwindled already as it was, but at that time the rest of them started turning tail and slowly walking back to their school. I think I remember J taunting them on their walk of shame, offering to play them again and asking them where they were going, but none took the bait. It felt good, really good winning that game and watching them all walk away, but better than that, was the look J gave me when we all congratulated each other on the win. I think, on some level, he must have known that I stayed and played as hard as I did just because he said that we were staying. But none of that was necessary, none of that was thought, nothing was said... it was a much simpler celebration. We were challenged, we fought back, we kicked ass, and that put us on the top of the world, plain and simple.

Ahhh, to be 10...

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Choir concerts and missing the dead....

I missed my grandfather today, more than I have in a long time. This would be my father's father who lived in Florida until the time of his death. He came up to visit in when I was in high school, his next to last time up I believe. At the time I was either with K or on my way to being with her and we wanted to go do something with my grandfather. We decided since he said he liked music to take him to the all-eastern concert that was going on that weekend. We all piled in K's father's van and went to the show. It was one of the only things that I can remember that grandpa and I ever really did together and it was awesome. He loved the concert, and just couldn't get over how young the student's were and how good they sounded. My father said that he talked about going to that concert for months after. I purchased a CD of it and sent it to him, which he greatly enjoyed.

The point of this story, I guess, is that I went to another choir concert today and for one reason or another, I was struck with a feeling that grandpa would really have liked the concert and I wish he were there with me to see it. Don't know why it hit like it does, I guess with feelings like that we never do really know. I've been to plenty of other concerts since he died and none of them gave me that feeling... but I keep just going to back to the fact, that he'd have loved that concert.

E was glad that I came to see him conduct again. I've been to see almost every concert of his since he he was my student teacher. That's 7-8 years. I've seen his worst choirs, and his best choirs, bad and good song selections, the works. I may not quite comprehend why my coming every time means so much to him, but I can see it in his face every time he turns around and I'm there. There's so much more than just a simple "thank you, glad you came", it's much deeper than that, and it's a great feeling for me, even if I may not get it. He and his wife just had a baby girl, she's so freaking cute. I'm gonna give him a call in a few weeks and hopefully be able to get together for once outside of me showing up at all of his concerts.

And, I have to remember to write Tiny Dancer's letter tomorrow, I wouldn't want to let her down...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Nothing special...

That last post kinda wore me out. It's like tangle of razor wire just fell on me and now I have to straighten it out without getting massacred in the process. I didn't plan on now being the time I opened all that stuff up, but I guess it's easier to start now than let a few more years add to it? I'll work on convincing myself of that at least. I'll do my best not to let this turn into an outlet for shitty, "I wish you loved me" spoo. So, a topic change.

My father is an interesting character. For all of his life that I can remember, he's stayed up late, done things on the level of guys 20 years his junior, and just always been young in heart and action. Now, he's 59 and I understand that perhaps he can't do that forever, but I find it interesting that only in the last 3 months has he realized this. It was like he did anything until he approached 60 and somehow that clicked something inside of him where it was like, "hey, I can't do this anymore" when in point of fact, he's no different from when he was 58 and doing everything. Personally, I hope I'm not in store for that. With how different he and I are I don't think so... I have every intention of skydiving from now until I'm 80 and then some. At some point I'm sure I'll have to slow down, but I'd like to do it gradually rather than just hit a point where I decide "I'm old" and must grind to a crawl. Though, I've got a few more years of some more important things to concern myself with before I have to decide how I'm going to be when I'm old... er...:-p

Monday, January 14, 2008

What dreams may come....

My head sinks into her pillow as the rest of my body relaxes with it. Eyes closed, every muscle limp, the pounding of my heartbeats coming back under control. Propped up on one elbow, she looks down at me, smiling, clearly pleased with herself. "Can I do anything else for you?" she asks coyly. I chuckle and sigh, keeping my eyes closed, gathering back my energy after the fourth time she had made me orgasm that night. "No, I think I'm good, thanks. You've seen well to that." She giggles and replies with a confident, "Good."

I held her in my arms as she slept. The movie she so emphatically wanted me to see with her couldn't hold her sway against the exhaustion of the day. I stroked her hair, straightening it's brunette lengths across my arm. As Robin Williams desperately searched the depths of hell for his wife, I had eyes for nothing but her. She looked so pensive as she slept... I wondered what it was that pervaded her dreams onto her face.

She takes her left hand and starts to run it over me, first across my shoulders and chest, until she works her way up to my face. My eyes opened now, I stare across the room as silence continues to blanket us. Her fingers trace from one jaw line to the other, work their way up around my brow, and down my nose, over my eyes, across my lips.

Half trying to soothe her worries away, half knowing I'd never want to forget this moment, I took my fingertips and began to lightly trace, lightly caress her face. Coming down from her brow, turning my hand to run the softer backs of my fingers down her cheek and jaw, turning back to my fingertips to trace her lips.

She continued this for minutes. Starting over again or circling back once she had completed mapping my face with her fingers. I spoke no words; she probably felt my jaw tense up. "What's wrong?" she with a look of confused concern. "It's nothing" I said, lying.

I went more slowly over her lips each time I passed over them. On some level, I knew I'd never be this close to her again. I traced every part of her face, consciously trying to not miss a single detail. I wanted to remember every line, every curve, the smooth warmth of every facet of her face. Like a topographer copying the world he knows onto paper, I copied every inch of her into my memory, my eyes never leaving her countenance. She woke with the credits scrolling up the television screen. As she sat up, my hand caressed her face one last time, brushing back a lock of hair that had fallen across her face.

"I know you better than that." she said, seeing past my lie and trying to get me to open up. To lost to bring myself out of the 8 year old memory that held onto me. A quiet voice in the back of my head whispered, that I was once her. Young, innocent, lost in absolutely everything about my first love. That I too traced the face of the one I love and how much you, now, bears a striking resemblance to me, then. But that whisper never left my thoughts as I looked up at her. "I'm fine, it's nothing" I lied again. "Ok, fine. Don't tell me" she conceded, "You just look so pensive all of a sudden, that's all."

I replied to her with silence.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Oh what a night...

My AIM away message reads:

"The arduous process of writing a letter of recommendation."

My away time is listed at: 8hours and 47minutes

Yes, that's the kind of night I had... except for the time between 10pm and 11pm... that was Stargate Atlantis.

But now, it's 3:30am and I have to take a sledgehammer to delicately pound on my car tomorrow and get it ready for new bumpers so I can drive it again.

Yes, the Acura Legend is/was a nice car, though, I imagine with 20yr/200k it's, oh... how shall we say it... seen better days? Acutally, a 1998 Acura 3.2CL was pretty much my 'dream car' for quite a little while. Needless to say though, I've gotten rather attached to my 01 Accord coupe. Here's to it's 3rd life!

Real post or two tomorrow, but at the moment, I'm mildly delusional :-D

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Twice in one day... a record

I know, I know. I saw the pig fly in the backyard. So, updates of sorts. Car search still sucks. I've fully expanded into looking for not only Honda Accord Coupes, but also Acura CL's. Maybe that's not all that much of a full expansion considering the multitude of other makes and models out there, but it's huge for me. Once I find something I like I stick vehemently by it, living or mechanical. My father's calling about one CL tomorrow, and I'm probably going to look at one by the Agency. So yeah, of my initial list, there are 4 more Accords and 4 CL's to look at. I'm sure I'll find something.

Tiny Dancer is back again after successfully coming out of surgery. We've expanded communication lines to txt as well so we'll see how that goes. I'm glad she's alright. I'd have really not been cool if something happened before I really got to know her. Anyway, writing letters and txting are two things I don't do enough of anyway *hah* so the more the merrier! She brings up a good point with relationships (in the conversation we're in the middle of right now) that she and her friend are on the same level. She's so right, having two people be on the same level, the same page is the key to any relationship really working out for the best. So often it's when there's an imbalance that things go awry and people get hurt. Anyway, she's fun, and new, and different... and in those aspects, just I was looking for. It's still infinitely regrettable that GMDN was involved, but things don't always turn out quite as one plans them... just ask every other one of my past relationships.

Distracted Spunk is back safely and that's always good to know. I'm looking forward to my trip out there for sure. And OR, and NC, which, come to think of it, I'd better buy soon or else it's not gonna be that affordable. NC and OR right now, then CA x 2 for March/April. Now that I stop and think about it, I may have to postpone NC with all this car stuff. Either 1. I'm still going to be looking, or 2. I'm gonna just have it back and want to stay in Philly and not go flying all over the country just yet. We'll see.

So, this week up: five wonderful days working at the Agency, looking at 2-7 cars and hopefully buying one of them, court for the accident that totaled my car, trying desperately to spend time in Philly, and spending at least 3 hours on some kind of creative outlet or another. I'm going to try and set a goal a week, either photography, writing, musical composition, inventing... something with a creative twist to start making that a part of my regular life. I'll post updates of what comes, or doesn't come of it. For my own records, as much as for at least the one person who I know reads this...

Weekend Assignment #197: Missing Words

So, one of my favorite author's, whom I've met, John Scalzi, on one of his blogs had a weekend writing series called Weekend Assignments. I didn't realize that he had this until he stopped doing it and posted about closing it. Another reader of his has taken up the colors of this endeavor, so these will pop up here every now and then.

Weekend Assignment #197: Now that the WGA strike has had lots of time to affect the prime time television schedules, how is it affecting you as a viewer? What show do you miss most, aside from reruns?

Extra Credit:
how are you spending the time instead?

Assignment Answer:
Luckilly for me, there aren't that many things that I watched regularly on network television that I'm missing all that much. Honestly a lot of my DVR is filled with more unscripted shows or reruns, Sunrise Earth, Star Trek Voyager, Deep Space 9, stuff like that. Some of the show's that I do watch occasionally though have been affected, Pushing Daisies, 24, Bones, Prison Break, and Bionic Woman. These shows, while I usually record/watch them, I live without them quite easilly. The Sara Connor Chronicles, Stargate Atlantis and Battlestar Galactica, three shows of which I am immensely invested in, all worked it out so that what they planned to show will happen regardless of this WGA situation. So, since 2 of my favorites, and 1 expected favorite aren't affected, I guess it'd probably be Prison Break or Bones that I really miss the most.
Extra Credit Answer: At my parents house, looking for a freaking car. I'd much much rather be watching tv...

Friday, January 04, 2008

I hate posts like this...

Sometimes I wonder about this world. I wonder why everyone needs to be first, or act like they're doing "what has to be done" when in point of fact it's just making what could be a good situation awkward and tense and someplace I don't want to be. I have a habit of thinking about the worst possible outcome of pretty much every situation just so that when it happens, I either can say that I expected it or be pleasantly surprised by it. I'm not looking forward to car shopping tomorrow, and might only mildly be more happy about it if I actually get one, because frankly, the stress and uncomfortableness isn't worth it.

I think dread can be one of the worst emotions out there, even worse than the ones simultaneously felt and experienced. Bad is bad, uncomfortable sucks, but dread, is all of them irrationally rolled into one oppressive ball felt at a time that might otherwise be entirely free from stress, strain, or problem. It eats you faster and more thoroughly than guilt when there's nothing but smiles and sunshine around you.

This is why I can't wait to completely move out and have everything that I have to do and deal with be reliant upon only me. These nights of apprehension, days of anxiety about what the people who are so closely associated with me are going to do and reflect upon me. I can't hide in the shadows enough to completely avoid getting lumped together with attitudes and actions I despise. Hopefully soon, once there's nothing left to transfer to me, and all life responsibility is finally my own, these feelings can join depressing blog posts like these and stay buried in the archives of the past.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

No, I'm not doing a reflective post on the recently passed year...

I want a car. I want to take a nice, long, leisurely drive over to Lake Erie or somewhere really far away just to get back out on the open road. I definitely wouldn't say it's anything other than just wanting to drive again, but I'm keeping an eye on it. That's kinda how it started last time... maybe I should take some D.

In other news, I think the reason I don't know who/what type of girl I want, is because I'm not quite yet set in who I am. Like I'm not set physically who I am, mentally, certainly spiritually, perhaps some emotionally, etc... I'm still wandering this world trying to figure it all out. I spent 6 years with someone else there, and now looking back I don't know if that helped or hindered me getting to where I am right now. Either way, I'm not positive it helped, and I sure don't feel like having anything hinder me, so there.

Rose and I went to go see I Am Legend tonight. Will Smith is the freaking man. He climbed to the top of the world and is now just sitting on it, enjoying the view. The movie really is only starring him... and some special effects. It's bleak, it's dark, it's plausible, it's a picture of who I'd hope to be in that situation, but then again, there goes my hero worship. Oh... still haven't had a full post about that... well, maybe coming up soon. Anyway, now it's time to read the book.

I sent Tiny Dancer a letter the other day. Took the time while waiting for people to proofread my work at the Agency to design my own return address label. I like it a lot actually, more than I thought I would. It's a picture of me sitting on the edge of a cliff, with the sky and a deadly drop that I'm way to close to in the background. Just the way I like it. If you ask nicely I'll even send you a letter with that label on it. I'm kinda interested to see what she thought of the contents. I wrote it at work, and included a poem that I had published back in college. I'm sure she liked just getting the mail, but I'm also interested in her response to the content. I haven't talked to her in like 3-4 days.. probably the longest since we've started talking.

Tomorrow is dinner with Distracted Spunk and about 40 other people. Well, not 40, but a lot. Meeting up in the city and then going from there. I'm looking forward to it. It'll probably be one of if not the last time I see her before she goes and flies back to the wrong coast. Not cool. But of the 10 states I'll be visiting this year, her's is one of them so it's alright, sorta. I laughed out loud the other day, when she asked me to make sure she doesn't stay in the state she's in. I told her I'd promise to kidnap her if she ever decided to settle permanently. I'd probably do it too if she ever did really move out there. There are some friends who can move away and stay, but she's not one of them and neither is Actress which is why I'm so freaking excited that she and I and BigE might be all roommates in a sweet 3-bedroom setup next August. That would set me for the next 5+ years and move me much more permanently to Philly than I am right now, and I think I'd really like that. It really surprises me more and more each day just how much I miss not living in that city and being stuck at home till I get a car again. And now that this post has come full circle.... Bed.