A Life Worth Living

Keeping up with the pace

2010-04-06T00:45:00.002-04:00

It's been an interesting 'holiday' weekend.

I got 5 days off with virtually perfect weather and no real plans to tie me down to anything. It was glorious. Spontaneous bonfires, much catching up with friends I haven't seen in the past few months, a fun time with family, and even finally got working on a secret project for my brother that I've had started for well over a year now. I'll post pics when I finally give it to him, because I'm expecting it to turn out awesome.

I'm comfortable saying I've beaten my cold and am back to about 95% health. My HP bar is full enough to continue on my way without stopping to continue to fill it.

I'm actually ahead (comparably to where I've been) in my financial situation at the moment.

I'll be taking my typewriter and going to my cabin in the woods this coming weekend to knock out 4 chapters of my yet to be started book and hopefully have enough to submit to a week-long workshop I want to go to that's taking place in the fall.

Nothings really wrong at the moment.

It's like a breath is being held while the shoe is in the air dropping. I don't know... I suppose we'll just have to see what happens...

In an interesting twist of male/female relations I actually met someone over the weekend who I am genuinely intrigued by. I'm certainly not attempting to defy the predictions of my "coffee grind reading" but she's intriguing. Maybe it's just that she's someone new, maybe it's cause a close friend of mine who knows her thinks we have a lot of similarities and she's been trying to get us in the same room since before New Years.... Either way, that finally happened this weekend, and while the situation was less than ideal, she still caught my interest. I've got less than no clue if it were the same vice versa, but I have a feeling if it was that I'll know about it in a few days time.

And now, I'm going to hopefully be able to wait and see the first episode of a new Firefly-based web series.

Frame of mind

2010-03-29T22:35:00.003-04:00

When my cousin read my coffee grinds... see previous post... One of the things she said about me right now is that I was burned badly in a previous relationship (right on) and that I had separated that relationship part of me out and have left it to the side.

This couldn't be more right.

I want nothing to do with any relationship right now of any kind... I tease at the thought of it for this person or that... but ultimately... It. Ain't. Happening.

Yes, a lot of it is probably due to that burn. I haven't really set about processing it (frankly I can't quite comprehend it even still) and not processing/comprehending that situation... well... it sure as shit doesn't let me get over it.

More than that though, I just don't want to deal/hear with the minutiae of the other person in a relationship.

I don't want to know how your day was, I don't want to know where you are, where you're going, what you've done, that you're going to fold your laundry, or any other daily shit-task that you're doing. I don't want to make small talk. I don't want a routine to say goodbye at night. I don't want to hear how you're feeling unless I ask...

I have neither the energy or will to care.

Maybe that's cold... but I don't really care about that either.

In regards to relationships that's where my mind is at right now. And if you want to screw... well... you can give it a shot, but 9 times out of 10 it's gonna end up being a no anyway. That's just not typically me. Not for any cockamamie religious belief... those are the furthest things from my mind right now... but simply because the reward isn't worth the risk in my head. It's that simple.

I think I like this spaced out, more stream of conscious type formatting for the blog. I've read other people who use it, and found it annoying at first... however... I've written more in the past week like this then I have in the past few months. And quite frankly, writing something is better than writing nothing for me right now.

Hope it doesn't bother the 3 of you who read this all that much :-p

My Anchor....

2010-03-27T00:03:00.002-04:00

So, the other day, my cousin's wife read my coffee grinds.

That's right, I said coffee grinds... Apparently an old gypsy who lived upstairs in a complex her parent's owned taught her how. I shit you not.

Now, anyone who knows me, knows I don't play with that kind of stuff. Never paid a psychic, had tarot read, fortune told, etc. I have an issue with people monetizing that kind of thing.

However this was just something my cousin did... so, because she's family now, I went with it.

She read my brother first, and was eerily accurate. She talked about my brother's new relationship without being told about, and details about it as well. Like that they're mushy... which they are.

Ok... fine. Then me. Also, right on. Everything I'm working on will go well (gotta love predictions of good fortune). However I've been burned badly by a recent relationship (Dzia, which she totally knew nothing about... in fact... no one did.... cause I haven't told anyone... err... wanted to talk about it at all actually) and that due to that burn I've totally separated out my relationship stuff for at least the next year and a half (till most movie promotion stuff is done, dead on) but at the end of that I'll probably end up with the person I'm going to be with. She said, "You're going to find your anchor in life."

I had never thought of that 'elusive someone' as an "anchor". At first I joked about, oh great... someone to weigh me down and keep me in one place... but the more I thought about it the more that kinda made sense.

Someone who can keep me grounded. Let's me float on top of the water but not get carried away. Holds me securely in a storm. But someone who can come with me on all my journeys and travels. Someone who is an important part of everything I do and the places I will go in life.

I never used the image of an 'anchor' as an analogy for "her" before...

Now, I don't imagine I'll ever not think of her that way.

I bought a typewriter... and other sterotypical things

2010-03-26T00:06:00.002-04:00

It's a nice typewriter. I'm actually very excited about my typewriter. I hope it actually fulfills my expectation of helping me not be distracted when I write (type?) and isn't only "well I want to be a writer so I should get a typewriter like all the other famous writers had and used".

I tend to be ridiculous like that sometimes.

Ok. Maybe more often than sometimes.

But who's keeping score.

I'm not.

In addition to my typewriter, I've secured a cabin in the woods for a weekend to type on it. Just far enough outside the beaten path to not effectively get cell reception or data services.

I'll be cut off from the world.

In a cabin.

Writing what I hope to be the first few chapters of a book.

On a typewriter.

Anyone have recommendations for sufficiently stereotypical meals I can/should cook for myself?

Maybe swordfish steaks??

Perhaps I've just ventured off into the deep end.....

Comfortable vs. Familiar

2010-02-18T20:43:00.003-05:00

Comfortable:
Expecting the other person to be there.
Dropping a deuce while the other person is in the shower.
Pissing while the other person gets ready at the sink in the morning.
Passing gas while watching a movie in the living room
Belching out loud at the dinner table or just randomly
All the little fucking things that your parents always (or should have) told you were "impolite"
And still, expecting the other person to be there, or worse, care as little as you do
(Exceptions are made for couples who previously establish they don't care about those things, ie. not me.)

Familiar:
Noticing yourself smiling when you pull in the driveway because the other person is home first
Taking note of bathroom schedules well enough so that you're both in there for showers only
Waking up 20 minutes early to get ready early so the other doesn't have to work around you
Politely stifling a belch when the other person isn't looking
Waiting for the other person to leave or leaving the room to pass gas quitely
Helping with the dishes cause you know it's not their favorite thing to do
Noticing yourself smiling when going to bed cause you're with them and they're with you.

Maybe I'm just an idealistic, hopeless, romantic...
So what.

Maybe my ideas will change with age...
Maybe.

But settling for just being comfortable...
Not a chance.

My resolution for 2010... is to grow an ego...

2010-01-07T20:50:00.003-05:00

But not too much of one of course. Just a Goldilox sized ego and a bit of a thicker skin while I'm creating my wish list. Let's backtrack slightly...

I've been quite busy these past few months. Dragon*Con was 20-hours days of the most epic sci-fi/fantasy themed part that I had ever been to. For those who have never heard of or been there, it's a 60k person convention in the heart of Atlanta, Ga. Spread out over a series of 4 massive hotels, 24 hour a day programming from start to finish... if you can stay awake the whole time, there will be something scheduled for you to do. It was an amazing experience. The pannel for Browncoats:Redemption was an overwhelming success as well with our "street team" having handed out nearly 6,000 postcards advertizing the time and location. In a room that held 250 individuals, we packed it above fire code and had to turn people away. It was fantastic. It was riding high on a cloud the rest of the time.

Work got back in full swing as well. I'm finding an increasing dislike for the politics and supposed 'benefits' of state employment. It's changing me in a way that I am not taking kindly to. I see people, co-workers, who might work an average of a solid 9-10 hours a week out of a 35 hour work week. I look at myself, objectively, and see that at my 'best' week I might work myself between 20-25 hours. Somehow, that makes me look a head and shoulders above all the rest and a real 'enthusiastic young go-getter'. I'm increasingly disturbed by this. Disturbed enough that if I can find a simple way to get some kind of decent health insurance, even at COBRA rates, I'd take it and start from scratch. Yes, even in this employment climate. Maybe I'm a fool... but it'd one of the first employment (or lack thereof) choices that I've actually made myself rather than simply settling into what I've found myself in. [These thoughts are predominately in the "thinking out loud" category]

Big Apple Comic Con was more or less a bust. A day spent handing out a mere handful of cards and of all the special guests I was willing (or able) to pay for was Miracle Laurie who was an absolute doll, no pun intended. The nicest most down to earth I've met. She was the sole highlight of the convention.

Creation's Firefly/Serenity convention in LA was an experience not to be forgotten. Went out early to see an old friend, got to watch the new Star Trek movie on the bridge of the Enterprise D, went places and met people I'm not legally allowed to even tell anyone about yet. Love to go into more detail, really I would. But suffice it to say, I met just about all the actors that were there and then some. Solidified some friendships, made some new ones and memories to last it all.

As for what started this post... I've been watching a lot of tv/movies in the past month noting all kinds of inconsistencies, ways they achieved desired effects, critiquing story... looking at all of these things with a new eye. While I'm sure this is all due to my working on Redemption, it's made me all too aware that I haven't made good on working toward some of the dreams I had when I was younger. Ever since Babylon 5 I've wanted to make science fiction stories. That's most of the reason why I have the entire scriptbook colection and then some. My thought being" If I have the blueprint for this show, then I can use it to make my own from. It would be like having a walk-through to how it was done before so I could do it for my own while learning from the trials of others. I can see now it's not going to be quite that simple but the frame work holds albeit loosely. A lot of the behind the scenes that I've watched, directors interviews, creators diaries, etc have all talked about 'making the movie/tv show that they wanted to watch'. Perhaps it was Spielberg or Lucas who said it best, and I loosely paraphrase, if I make the best possible show that I want to watch then there are going to be others out there who are going to like it and watch it too. I can't imagine a writer making a living writing books on a subject or in a genra he or she abhors. I've gotta grow just enough of an ego so that I feel more than just a want, but a need to write the stories or shows or movies that I want to see, and to believe that others will want to see them too. Right along with that, the thicker skin that when someone doesn't want to, that's ok too. Most of my friends from HS would never be caught willingly going to Star Trek or seeing any of the hundreds of tv show episodes of various sci-fi programming that I've watched. I've missed out on workshops and conventions because I didn't have, or didn't have enough orriginal material to submit to be considered to invite (Viable Paradise I'm looking at you). I think it's about high time that I change that. So here's to unexpected and extra-ordinary new years resolutions, a right sized ego and a thicker skin. Welcome 2010.

Dragon*Con Day 0

2009-09-03T11:33:00.003-04:00

So, it's anyone's best guess how much 'free' time I'm going to have while at the convention to write, so I figure to help pass the over 3 hours that I'm early to the airport for my flight to Atlanta I might as well start now! My phrase for the day in reagards to how I'm feeling has been that "my excitement bubbleth over" and that certainly applies! Starting with getting here to the airport waaaaaay early and now just sitting here nearly bouncing waiting to go (though part of the bounce I'm sure is the 3 cups of coffee I had at the resturant for breakfast). I'm also of the oppinion that the best waitress/waiter people are in airport resturants. So nice and attentive and actually stop to have a conversation about where you're headed and what's on the itinerary! Pancakes, bacon, potatos, and coffee for $10... that's about all it takes to satisfy me in the morning(free airport wi-fi is just like an added dessert)!

Plane is not here yet, but it takes off around 1pm so I'm not too concerned. I took the time to e-mail the realtor I've been working with looking for a condo and let her know that I'm just not going to be able to swing it right now. I can make the mortgage payments and even the down payment, but after really really detailing out what my budget would look like it turns out I'd have $21 extra unallocated money per month. That's so not going to cut it. Any hickup in the status quo and I'd be underwater faster than a mob informant with a cinderblock chained to his feet. So, I'm back to considering other options, apartment with roomate, staying at home with a bit more strict of a budget/plan, or anything else that might come up. While it wasn't exactly what I'd have liked to have happened, it does work out, and in fact might speed up my overall life plans. In a few short years I can have both my timeshare and movie prop and costume collection entirely paid off which would put me very much ahead, and even have some more saved up so I can get a bigger place sooner. Instead of having the intermedieary condo now, I can pay off my future stuff and then get the bigger more permanent condow before 30 instead of after. Kind of exciting when I look more at the future than my wants in the present.

That would then give me 10 years to find the perfect property on a lake in PA to buy when my life insurance intrest matures enough to where I can pull out a few hundred thousand and possibly have my cabin built and livable before 50! That would totally be awesome. Now, obviously this is just the outline/rough draft as you can imagine. Things like, injury, spouse, WWIII, etc might play a part in how it all goes... but I've got a dream and a plan!

Now, I know this hasn't really been about Dragon*Con yet, but whatever. I'm not there yet, and really haven't really looked at the schedule too well so I should probably get on that while I still have the wi-fi. My main purpose there is really to promote Browncoats:Redemption, overflow our pannel venue (which is Sunday morning, September 6th at 11:30am at the Marriot in rooms L401-403 on the first floor, tell all your friends), and ideally having all the major news outlets covering the convention a buzz with our film!!! And ya know, if I happen to meet Patrick Stewart or someone, well, that's ok too ;-)

Browncoats: Redemption

2009-09-01T00:42:00.004-04:00

So, one of the most prominent activities that has been taking up more time than I've actually ever sat down and counted is the independent film I've been working on called Browncoats:Redemption. Well, since May 4th, which was basically the last real post, I've gone down to MD in excess of twenty times to help build, promote, and show off our set. We had an 8,000 sq ft warehouse in which we built the set for the ship. It probably was the most physically and mentally challenging experience I've been involved with ever. Whether it was the mental intensity required to plan and figure out just how we're going to build the cargo bay, or frame the cockpit window of the ship, or the physical endurance of raising a 12ft wide by 16ft high wall and holding it in place while it was secured to the wall, building these sets took everyone's abilities and forced us to operate as sharp as we ever have to get the job accomplished.

I've helped build the sets for high school musicals, even worked with a friend's construction company for a while, but the amount of confidence and new found ability I've taken away from this project is unparalleled. To quote Firefly, we literally "did the impossible, and that made us mighty." According to Facebook I've made 47 new and close friends from this project. Wonderful, amazing people that possess a dedication and loyalty that is all too rare nowadays. We all truly bonded over Redemption to the level that a score of us get together monthly for our "Shindig's" to keep the spirit and friendship we've formed intact until (and hopefully after too) the movie's official release at Dragon*Con 2010.

I could go on and on, but I'll leave it at that. Over the course of the next year I'll be periodically posting behind the scenes pictures, explanations of how we did what we did, stories, anecdotes, and memories from filming. I've no doubt that over the course of just building the set I've spent hundreds of hours driving to, from or working on this project, and as such is probably the biggest chunk of time that took me away from sitting at a computer typing. I suppose that's the trade off of living life, instead of letting it live you... or something like that.

This coming weekend I will be at Dragon*Con promoting the movie, hanging out with many friends, and trying to conquer the overwhelming scope of this convention so that next year, for the movie premier, I'll be like a pro ;-) If any of the handful of you have your interest piqued please head over to the website for Browncoats:Redemption for more information, behind the scenes videos, and the latest information about our project!!! For now, I leave you with the teaser to our Panel and Trailer release at Dragon*Con 2009:

Browncoats: Redemption Dragon*Con 2009 Panel & Trailer Announcement from browncoatsmovie on Vimeo.

Time passes....

2009-08-26T00:21:00.001-04:00

I finally sorted through well over 500 blog posts clogged up in my reader from my pasts month's endeavors. I will go through what I've been up to, eventually. However for the moment, this will suffice. Hello again world.

I half wrote this so I don't forget what I'm doing....

2009-05-04T16:24:00.006-04:00

So, it's been over a month since I've written here. Somewhere in there I caught a nasty stomach/sinus bug from hell (well before this swine flu BS), spent 4 weekends filming on an independently produces science fiction movie set in the Firefly/Serenity universe (of which I have a production journal from and will be released on here at a later date), got overwhelmed at school (which sucks because I'm not particularly motivated to learn APA format and how to write for a counseling/psychology degree) and had one hell of a busy April at work with my seniors graduating and wanting to know what's the deal with college. So yeah, free time = nonexistent.

As it is, on Wednesday I'm leaving for Los Angeles for the second and final Battlestar Galactica Prop and Costume Auction. I'm not sure what, if anything I'll bid on, because if I'm anything resembling responsible, I've got no money like that to really spend. That being said, I'll be sure to report what I do buy and how much my bank account will be crying about it. Also be seeing a good friend from a summer program we both volunteer at since he lives out there and I'm all about crashing on couches!!

Friday I head to Vegas for 4 days to hang out by the pool and do/think about absolutely nothing except where my next drink is coming from and if I want to jump in the water now or later. I anticipate a lazy, relaxing, awesome good time since our hotel just got upgraded to directly on the Strip down the street from the Bellagio!!! Also meeting up with some friends who will be out there already too.... it's a party in Las Vegas!!!

Then it's a red-eye flight back to work on the Wed after this one and back to the daily grind once again.... at least for two days and then I'm down to Virginia for the weekend when my fellow Browncoats and I invade a Dave and Busters for some good old mischief and mayhem.

Finally to round out the month, our 8th annual camping trip with all my closest friends from HS and starting work on building a spaceship called Redemption. Already purchaced and dumpster dove for items that we'll be using to help make her look awesome. When people ask me what I did after this coming summer... I can't wait to see the look on their face when I say, "Well, I helped build a space ship!"

If only I had a spare $35,000,000

2009-03-24T16:07:00.001-04:00

I'd be moving to England and be called Lord of the Manor...

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE52F4RX20090316

Too much of a fun fantasy to pass up posting. Real post to follow later tonight.

Home till Thursday

2009-03-09T15:51:00.001-04:00

I just can't shake whatever this secondary bug is that I got. I took Tues and Wed off from work because 1. I can, and 2. if I don't I don't see myself getting any better. Here's to 2 days of sleeping, soup, and ..... something else that begins with an "s" that I can't think of right now :-)

Blech

2009-03-05T22:35:00.002-05:00

I'm not happy I'm still sick and unfortunately feeling like I'm getting sicker.

I'm not happy I'm single with 0 current active prospects.

I'm not happy I'm living at home and have to deal with nagging about going to sleep and saving my money.

I'm not happy that I have a stupid midterm test on Monday on information all out of a book that he expected us to just read and 2 power points he whisked through (... just a hint buddy, real life is open book, we can talk to the person next to us, and we don't typically have to answer all the questions in a 45 minute block of time).

I'm not happy my room is messy and things aren't where they belong because I'm still cramming my life into a room in my parents house.

I'm not happy that the highlights of any week consist of driving to Philadelphia and drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

Probably most of all, I'm not happy that if certain things don't pan out, I'm going to have to rent someplace again because I can't live my life where I am or the way I am right now.

But I'm doing fine... how are you?

Unproductivity and the like

2009-03-02T22:12:00.003-05:00

I wish I knew why my time spent on the computer revolves around refreshing my Facebook home page. I would really like to be doing more productive things than that....

Speaking of not being able to be productive... I find it a sick joke that the universe decides to give me not only a Sunday free, but a snow day on Monday, while simultaneously providing me with the worst stomach virus I've had in 15+ years. I'll spare everyone the gory details but it's as bad as you could imagine, maybe worse for those of you with weak stomach's. I was incapacitated on Sunday to the point I couldn't even sit at my computer. It was laying on the bed or laying on the couch and that was it. But, on the upside I suppose, here's to loosing 10 pounds in 32 hours! I'm not sure how much of that was simple dehydration, but hopefully not too much.

Another things sapping my productivity are 4 episodes of 24 in my Hulu queue. And of course, it's not just the filler episodes, but the four leading up to what some might term a 'mid season cliffhanger'. This also means that my attention is riveted to my second monitor except for the 30 second Hulu commercial breaks, where I'm typing this post. One comment on the episodes... if FBI and others don't have waterproof and shockproof cell phones in real life it'd be the most absurd thing I've ever heard. Anyway... I'm going to stop near live-blogging my Hulu watching experience and end this post before I take any more characters to say absolutely nothing of substance or value...

Throwback

2009-02-28T00:42:00.003-05:00

I had a spontaneous dinner today with the person whom I'd probably consider my first 'real girlfriend'. I met her Freshman year in our Freshmen English class. I remember seeing her sit across from me in the chair closest to the door. The classroom was set up in 4 long rows. Two with their backs to the window facing the other two rows with their backs to what was the hallway. I was two seats from the board in the first row.

(Anecdotal note: the guy sitting behind me in that class I was friendly with, but I don't know that I'd say we were ever really friends. He did football; I did basketball; We just ran in different circles. Always pleasant, friendly, gave a wave if we saw each other in the hallway or in the development where he lived and where E and I would play ball every summer. I mention this not because it has anything to do with the story, but because I feel I'd be doing a disservice to his memory if I didn't mention him. He died at Virgina Tech.)

Purl, as I'll call her, the two other girls and I always worked together whenever we had a group project of any kind. When we didn't have a group project, we competed to see who would get the better grade on each and ever assignment. We'd write a "B" or a "B-" on a sheet of notebook paper and flash it up at the other person, teasing them about the grade we thought they'd get. Quickly it progressed passed in class banter and we started hanging out outside of school. I'd get my parents to drop me off at her friend J's house where there would be another quartet of us who would spend virtually all of the summer btw Freshman and Sophmore year together. J&J and Purl and I. We went to the movies, hosted parties, walked around the neighborhood, lit sparklers on the fourth of july, spent a day at Dorney Park, or just stayed in, made popcorn, and watched movies, at least until we'd split off and do 'coupple things'.

So many different memories flood back writing this. The Exorcist (first kiss), Titanic (first other things), the Sprite bottle (J(male) and I pissed in it for some reason I can't quite remember, as a joke or to get back at someone's ex or something. We stopped them before they drank it though), the accident... (J (female) fell in the basement and severely hit her head. She had amnesia for days while in the hospital. I remember going to visit her, brought her a letter/poem I had written for her. Also never forget the moment she looked up at me and said my name because she finally remembered who I was.)

Anway, all these flashbacks played on repeat during the lead in time until our dinner. She looked exactly as I had remembered/expected her to. The wonders of Facebook and knowing more about someone's life than you can typically get from an hour conversation I suppose. Suffice it to say, it was like we were just going out for our weekly Friday dinner. Constant, meaningful conversation peppered with laughter, memories, and the insight that comes from knowing someone over a decade. As much as I figured that's how it would go, it was still nice to have it turn out that way. Married life was good, her house was coming along, and her labrador reminds her daily that she does not and can not handle children at the moment. Which, all things considered, I suppose is a good thing... it's strange enough knowing she's married and I'm just still here...

Not going to lie...

2009-02-22T22:13:00.001-05:00

... totally shed a tear when Heath just won.

Too damn soon...

Grace in Small Things 3

2009-02-13T14:08:00.001-05:00

1. Living yet another 365.25 days on this planet.

2. Alanis Morissette's voice and poignant songwriting.

3. Birthday wishes on Facebook that I can't keep up with :-)

4. An evening of the music of Simon & Garfunkel by the talented A.J Swearingen and Jonathan Beedle.

5. Meeting some of my closest friends after the concert to celebrate the "Havana's" way!

25.

2009-02-13T01:00:00.001-05:00

No, not the Facebook meme.

That's the age I turn today at 2:08pm. I'm not sure I have any specific feelings on the age. I can now rent a car with no extra fees or questions, which I suppose is the last real milestone. From here on out it's counting every age that ends on a '0'. In brief retrospect it feels like the last 25 years were all entirely foundational making me the person I've become today. I'm not sure the process is quite complete yet, but I fully expect that sometime in the next few years I'll be able to live as me rather than continually looking to define a 'me' to live as.

I raise my proverbial glass... to making it this far. Here's to hoping that, at a minimum, I'm only a quarter done.

Zeke

Grace in Small Things 2

2009-02-01T10:25:00.002-05:00

1. The healthy meals that I tend to cook for myself only when I'm in Philly.

2. My new Asus EeePC, because it's awesome and will perfectly suit me for grad school.

3. Birthday's and birthday parties.

4. A hot cup of green tea with honey and lemon first thing in the morning

5. Microsoft Songsmith, because it's awesome

Questions and Answers

2009-01-31T22:09:00.003-05:00

The lovely and eloquent Hope posted a Q&A meme and invited her readers to be interviewed as she was, and of course... how could I refuse! Here's her questions and my answers.

If you would like to take part, here are the rules.

1. Leave me a comment saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I’ll email you five questions, of my determination not yours!
3. You update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here are my answers.

1. Which line or section from President Obama's speech resonated with you?

"As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our founding fathers ... our found fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake."

I still am not sure I have words to explain the feelings behind the tears that those lines brought to my eyes. Those lines form the ideal that I believe that is/should be in the heart of the American Soul. I'm so overcome by such a varied feeling of emotions my vocabulary is woefully inadequate to explain what I mean. I will work to rectify this...

2. What do you think is the biggest or most important difference between men and women?

I think the most important difference is that men and women don't mature at the same time or at the same rate. Maybe I just see it more with the developmentally delayed students that I work with, but a girl at 15 or 18 can do much more than a (diagnostically) similarly delayed boy of the same age. Maybe it's why I've been noticing women 10+ years older than myself in a way I hadn't previously noticed them.

3. If you could have the job of any character from a TV show which would it be?

I'd want the job of Admiral William Adama from Battlestar Galactica. Not just to be out in space or to command a fleet of ships, but because there was never any question about his role in life. The Cylons, their enemies, destroyed their world, chased them from their solar system, and his only task in life is to find Earth; to find a home for those humans who are left. He doesn't have the luxuary to decide if he really wanted to be a gardner, or who to go on a date with. Circumstances never allowed him to throw in the towel and quit. He has to dig deep inside of himself to find the strength to do whatever it is that he needs to do to because there's no one else to do it; there's nowhere else for him to go. That responsibility and that inevitibility of purpose entice me to no end.

4. Choose one single man made object that represents your personality. What would it be and why does represent you?

I think I'd have to say that I'm a Swiss Army Knife. But, not the ones you can hook on your keychain or give a Boy Scout when he turns 13, but the huge, unwieldy 80 tool in 1. There are so many different things that it can do and is useful for, but there's nothing that it's entirely sufficient for. It doesn't really specialize in one thing or have a singular purpose that it can complete to excellence. It has to rely on doing a lot of things well enough in order to have any value to anyone at all...

5. If you could discover that something you thought was true was actually false, what would you wish it to be? And why?

Maybe this is just a bit of a cop out because it's wildly unrealistic but I'd probably most wish that it turned out that my grandparents were all still alive and just vacationing together somewhere on some resort beach with no telephone access. I want/love a big family, extended family, cousins, grandparents, even crazy aunt's... and I have none of it. Having my grandparents back would fill that void quite a bit and being older as I am now (10 days shy of 25) I'd love nothing more than to sit and talk with them. Ironic, in the Alanis Morrisette definition of the word, since now I have the time and desire to sit, listen, and learn... there's no one left to listen to.

Grace in Small Things

2009-01-30T12:01:00.002-05:00

1. A Dirty Chai Tea Latte and Ziti Pizza

2. Starting graduate school

3. Philadelphia 76'ers, my best friend, and any excuse to spend time in Philly!

4. Text messaging, mobile internet, and the many ways to keep in touch with family and friends

5. Science Fiction television shows: Battlestar Galactica tonight at 10pm!!!

I read this on, Notthelifeiordered who got it from, Grace in Small Things

Entertaining text message of the morning

2008-12-30T10:37:00.001-05:00

Me: What do you think of Benjamin Netanyahu? and prospects look sunny for releasing some of my sexual tension come New Years!!!

DS: With Dzia? And it's too early in the morning to discuss Israeli politics.

That amused me greatly and is probably a good reason why getting Twitter will happen sooner rather than later. Makes more sense to use one of their micro-posts rather than take up a whole blog post about a morning laugh. Also helps I have control over my own phone bills now.

Anyway, hopefully only a few hours more left at work, last revisions on the report, print 10 copies, and my extended New Years celebrations can start today!!!! Here I come Philadelphia!!!!!

Enjoyably Entertaining

2008-12-21T15:28:00.003-05:00

I read this from the ever-eloquent and entertaining Hope and it just sounded too interesting to pass up!!!

The rules:

You leave a comment on this post, and I’ll assign you a letter. You write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on.

***
E
***

Edward James Almos
Or rather, Admiral William Adama of the Colonial Fleet. Few other television series' have captured my attention like the remade Battlestar Galactica. I'm a full on science fiction nut to begin with but this is the second series that has absolutely 'consumed' me mentally, emotionally, and every other '-ally' that I can think of. It brings me to the edge of my seat, or puts me into stunned silence; asks me questions I had never contemplated or leaves me in tears blurring the credits as they flash on the screen.

Eggs
Whether it's making breakfast at home, or ordering an omelet at a diner after a long night out, I love eggs. Scrambled, fried, sunny side up, Benedict, or poached; I haven't met a style yet I don't like.

E-books
In addition to my rampant science fiction addiction, I'm also a fan of new technology. I'm an early adopter of the Amazon Kindle and have read scores of e-books and various other writings on it and am absolutely in love. I don't see it replacing physical books, for the simple fact I could only fit so many authors' signatures on it, but for mass market paperbacks of books I'm only nominally interested in, the cheaper price and lack of clutter once I've completed the book are significant pluses in my book.

English
My major in college and my best subject throughout all the education I've had thus far. In fact, it's gone so far as to help me get through other classes seemingly unrelated. I had a statistics class once (math being my absolute worst subject) when I was at community college. I couldn't grasp the concepts the further we went into class, my brain refusing to process abstract math, but it was English that saved me. 75% of our grade in that class was on 3 huge group projects. There were 3 of us in the group, and to this day, it's the only group that we all evenly contributed to. There was an older Israeli man whose house we'd meet at and he'd provide the computer, quiet space to work and 'brain food' as well as a better grasp of the classwork than I , a Polish girl who loved math and understood everything exactly, and myself, an American with English as his first language. He provided the focused work space, she did the work, and I made everything sound sweet and clear. It was the best academic arrangement I was ever a part of.

Eyes
Staring into a lover, or sizing up an opponent eyes say so very much about a person, not to mention how cool they look under macro photography. At the same time though, I also find it amazing how much we actually can still do without them. From public services to adapted skills I could do everything I do now except for driving without them. One of my biggest fears in life used to be going blind, but with the work I've done with The Agency and so many blind friends and co-workers, it's a fear I can say I have no longer.

Echo
I mean, c'mon... who doesn't get into a cave or a big room and shout "Echo!" just to hear it reverberate around the walls. It's just cool.

Eagle
Specifically the bald eagle I suppose. It's just such a majestic looking bird. Strong, powerful, sleek, a lot bigger than you'd expect it to be. I mean seriously, what was Benjamin Franklin thinking... a turkey?? Sheesh...

Eel
Sushi, sashimi, I don't care as long as the Japanese call it Unagi. I swear I could eat eel for the rest of my life and never get tired of it...

Evanescence
Regardless of their wide reaching success there's few things as hauntingly beautiful as hearing Amy Lee's voice in person. The rich, full sound echoing (there's that echo again) throughout the concert hall perfectly in tune with the piano she's playing. Simply beautiful. I also count myself fortunate that in addition to her two major label albums, I also have approximately 50 or so unique tracks from her very early years, back as far as 1997 I believe. Some of my favorite tracks are those not on major label release.

Extra-Terrestrials
Last, but certainly not least, and more than likely tying into my science fiction obsession, I love aliens. Whether portrayed on television or the 'real accounts' I think it's one of the most fascinating topics out there. If they are out there, I'd be one of the first to volunteer and join up with them, no questions asked. Seriously, if a saucer appeared in my backyard and gave me 60 seconds to walk over and bean on up or they're gone, I'd be there before half my time was up.

Pre-Meeting Procrastination

2008-12-02T09:45:00.001-05:00

We've got a huge meeting in about half an hour with all of the people from my particular unit spread out across the state. They're all driving here to the main office, where I work, and going through a day long meeting that will inevitably be filled with more hours of useless information and tactics to evade responsibility than productive dialog. Don't get me wrong, I do like my job quite a lot, but the typical demeanor of what seems to be most of the people I meet who are also state employees, well... it sucks. It seems like many of them never got off of the entitlement bandwagon and spend half the time complaining about what the State hasn't given them or has taken away from them and the rest of the time trying to get out of what they're supposed to be doing. The fact that my supervisor said the other day, "Well, I asked Person X to do this task, but we'll have to see if she actually does it." My jaw still hits the floor after almost two years of hearing language like that. "To see if she does it"?? Are you freaking kidding me!!! You were told to do it, so you do it damn it!!! There are so many people like that I've come across I can't imagine how my job isn't one of the most secure in the whole freaking Agency.

Ok, I'm done now. On to happier news, I was more productive yesterday than I've been in probably the last month combined. I wrote all 19 back case-notes from client visits, actually made a healthy dinner and my Teavanna tea, finished editing the wedding video, organized all 8,691 songs on my computer, and cleaned my e-mail inbox from 679 to 4. I don't know what came over me, but I like it.

So, if there's one thing that I've learned...

2008-11-27T22:52:00.003-05:00

It's that any time I get a week to ten days behind in something I'm supposed to be doing regularly, it seems like too insurmountable a task for me to catch up. Most recent point in case: regular daily blog posting. I'd like to say I'll get to it, but that seems to repeatedly set myself up for failure. (side note: at this point I've written more in these 3 minutes than the previous 7 hours a post had been open for me to write in) I did discover some things today though. One of the most important being, that I think one of the reasons for my severe lack of productivity at home is because I do/did too much in my room and have developed habits (for lack of a better word) that I can't break. You know how they *expert people* say that sometimes people think of eating at night when they go to bed because they eat in their room, or a student can't focus on homework as well in his room as s/he can when sitting at a desk or table... well one or two things like that has never been an issue for me. However, I eat, sleep, play, work, create, film, photograph, talk, write, and have worked through a mild depression all in my room here at my parent's house. Somewhere, one of those must have been the straw because I routinely feel a sense of paralysis in that I can't do what I need or want to. Another reason, I want my own place, and soon.

I was able to write my case notes from visiting my clients at the library with very little trouble. Less than if I were writing them either at home or the office. The latter I need to make sure I get in check sooner rather than later. There were times, before I had my current job responsibilities, where I would be waiting for things to do, or on no specific project with any specific deadline and was more or less just there waiting for them to give me something to do, and I got in the habit of reading articles. And not just one or two, but like 20 or 30 a day. Digg, Google News, NY Times, CNN, AP, Reuters, and then I started reading blogs too... It's sure been one way to keep my Google Reader nice and neatly at '0' but tends to slow the start of my day, and after lunch. Probably something I should fix sooner rather than later.

This is a test...

2008-11-25T14:07:00.001-05:00

To see if the new blogger gadget I added into my iGoogle home page will let me post to my blog while I'm at work, thus further decreasing what was otherwise a rather high level of productivity. More back-posting to continue tonight now that I finally have some free evenings to do them. Gotta live a life before you can write about one, yes?

November 14: Awesomeness and Confederate adventures pt. 1

2008-11-14T22:32:00.000-05:00

So, Dzia stayed over last night. I really didn't expect her too, and it' one more reason that maybe this time is different than the last.... She had planned on coming over so we could go swimming at my gym and then maybe play guitar or watch a movie or something. Well, in a fit of Alzheimer's I left the free pass for her in my gym bag, in my car, locked in the Honda dealership. Awesome. Instead we went out for dinner with Surfer and his gf, both of whom I'll be heading to Richmond, VA with to visit Surfer's brother and sister. When we got back to my house, I stopped into my parents room to let them know she was staying (which they thanked me for and asked if she needed anything before they went back to bed. I love my parents) and then went to sleep. And yes, just to sleep.

In the morning she drove me to get my car since the part was finished being installed and then off to work. Work went by quickly with the anticipation of leaving for Richmond that night. I was supposed to meet Surfer at his parent's house and then we'd all leave from there around 6:30. Well, 6:30 somehow mutated into after 8pm and it started raining and being all sorts of foggy. We stopped for gas, Windex, and other necessities and headed to the Capital of the Confederacy. Around midnight I was done and since I actually had someone in the car whom I felt comfortable with driving my car, I let Surfer finish the drive. We pulled in front of his sister's place at 2:30am. We all had a Magic Hat #9, and were asleep by 3:30am.

November 13:

2008-11-13T22:31:00.001-05:00

Thursday

This morning I dropped my car off at my friendly, neighborhood Honda dealership. I enjoy going in there when my car needs some TLC. I've got a few of the technicians whom I'm friendly with and get joke around from the second I get in until I walk out the door. The last time I went in, I walked out with a $2300 bill that I didn't anticipate getting. Needless to say that kinda drained me for the next few months (from September till, well, now) so I tried to get them to promise me to keep it under a hundred dollars. Luckily it was only the driver side seat belt that had failed and those are covered for the lifetime of the car! So not only was it under a hundred, it was free :-)

Also had my 2-month review at work today. Quite hard to believe that it's been 2 months already but that's what the paper from HR said so might have well as been a page from the Bible as far as I'm concerned. As soon as I got to my supervisor's office she just said, "sign here". No discussion, no hesitation, she had already filled out 'exemplary performance' and it was literally a 45 second review. I love situations like that!

Edit: To close the open thread about my drivers license. I said screw it and went to the DMV this morning (Thursday) before I dropped my car off and just got a new one. Turns out it was up for renewal and from the way the dates worked out, it had been expired since March of 2008. So whatever karmic luck that made me loose it, also made me get it renewed should I (knock on wood) get pulled over anytime in the future.

November 12: Like a great big practical joke...

2008-11-12T23:13:00.002-05:00

My driver's license, has vanished without a trace. It's not in my car, my state car, the pile of artifacts on my bay window that typically fill my pockets, anywhere else in my room, or the wash. The only possible long-shot places are my camera bag at my boss's house or work. Either of which have about a 3% chance of actually being the location of my license. My vote is still my room. Don't know where (obviously) but I feel like I'm just going to come across it one day and be like 'wtf'. So, that was a fun panicked driving around all day. I mean, seriously, I'd have gone at least 5mph slower on the highway if I had known...

In other news, one more piece of the proverbial umbilical cord cut today. I am the proud owner of my own cell phone plan. Yep, at 24 and a day shy of 9 months my cell phone plan is now finally mine. Any charges, overages, internet fees, pictures, calls, everything is my own to deal with. I think the lack of license has overshadowed my feelings on it a bit, but I really am glad. It's one thing I never have to answer a question about ever again. I can call 411 if I freaking feel like it, jump online for a quick KB or two to get a score or e-mail or Google maps (not that I'll need to with my Kindle, but you know, I can now). Also got a second line with mine, so now I have my phone, and my work cell phone, so certain parents will no longer txt message me at 8pm on a Saturday about if their child can attend the program happening 10 months from that date!!! Bah... parents.

November 11: Frustration Abounds

2008-11-11T23:02:00.000-05:00

So, the sleeping in until 3:45pm thing I can deal with. Clearly, I needed it, or else I would have woken up, duh. So, I don't mind that much time out of my day being gone, but today, more than most days I really felt how confined I am living back at home again. It doesn't matter how much it's realistic or not, I confine myself and everything I own to my room. I just can't spread things out to where they belong when I'm here living in my parent's house. Dvd's - closet, instruments - closet, random food- plastic bags in corner, clothes- everywhere, coffee maker - bay window, tool box- floor by my bed. Get the picture? If you're thinking, "Wow, that sounds like a cluttered mess, I bet he can't find anything in there..." you'd be dead accurate.

In my box of DV cassette tapes I should have 5 labeled for a wedding I did, however actually there are only 3 of them (and it took me 4 hours to find the right hard drive folder that had the files of the 5 tapes), I just recently found the power cord for my lap top after months missing, and I still haven't been able to get to the plug for my stero to plug it in so I can use it.

I know that this is messy and disorganized, but I'm not a messy and disorganized person. When I was in my apt in Philly everything was in it's place where it belonged, my bedroom was for sleeping, the entertainment center was for dvd's, kitchen for coffee maker, etc. It's killing me that I can't have it like that, either in actuallity or just feel that way psychologically. I'd be kicking myself and regret it greatly later, but I'm wondering if maybe I can't go out to LA for the Battelstar Galactica auction after all......

November 10:

2008-11-10T19:27:00.000-05:00

Long day at work today. We had a big career fair/ seminar on how to have a positive look on life. It was one of those 6am-5pm kinda days and then had to walk home from the train station on top of it all. Originally I was dreading it. However, the walk home ended up being awesome. Except from the strange muscle/tendon/ligament/thing that I pulled randomly last week it wasn't a painful walk home. It was already dark but the moon was bright. I realized during the walk, that more than the crunch of leaves in the Fall, I enjoy the sound they make when I walk through them. They all fly up in the air, making the subtle crinkling sounds and then delicate, oh so delicate pops and clicks as the tumble back down the pavement. It's the subtle things like that I truly enjoy. Also the moon so bright I could see clearly at night. Like, bright enough to make out my hand, and the little lines and wrinkles in it. Simply awesome.

November 9: Shhh, I'm sleeping.

2008-11-09T22:19:00.001-05:00

Because I didn't get any all weekend. I was up back-posting and reading that Newsweek article till after 6am. By the time the sun started coming up I figured I should head to sleep. If any of you were wondering why the heck I labeled the last post "90210" it's because of Luke Perry.

I fully believe, that every misguided and romanticized view of dating, love, and relationships come from the years I was spellbound by 90210. I feel like I've written about this before, or maybe it's one of those drafts still sitting partially written, but looking back I internalized many things from those characters that I tried to incorporate into me. From why I got my first Zippo lighter to why I felt it was ok to loose my virginity as young as I did and a hundred more subtle things in between. As far as the Zippo story goes, it's simple really. I have an image of a scene in my head of one of the episode's endings. Luke Perry laying down on a couch, in his jeans and shirt, to go to sleep and the episode fading out on him lighting and staring at the lighter, fade to black.

This is short, because I'm actually slepeing right now ;-)

November 8: Mixed weekend

2008-11-08T04:44:00.000-05:00

Last night was awesome. We had a bonfire and cook out back in the woods at my friend's house. Most of our group was there and it was nice to all be together again. We didn't even have to do anything other than all just be together hanging out. That's one of the many things I love about us. We drank more than our fair share and had a great time. The girls would go off and talk their girl talk stuff, and we guys would talk our own talk around the fire when they walked away. Simply awesome.

Today however, was alright. We slept in (9am woo hoo...) made breakfast and then just hung out, I made an appointment to see why my car's SRS light is on, read more of this absolutely awesome NEWSWEEK article about some of the inside story of this historic presidential race, and then fell asleep. That, was apparently not the smartest thing to do, because I was a sour-pus for the rest of the night. We went out to New Brunsiwck to hit up the bars and just have a night out on the town which I was beyond not feeling. I drove so I didn't have to drink and spent money I didn't want to spend which was good, and then spent the rest of the time stressed out for some unknown reason and totally not enjoying myself. No one to txt to distract me, and the rest of them were off either hanging with their significant other or trying to work their magic on some of the bar's female patrons. Me, I found myself very captivated by SportsCenter and then LOST when they turned that on. I'm not really a big LOST fan, probably because I just haven't gotten into it, but it held my attention tonight. I had more cloves this night to try and knock off the edge of the stress than I've had since the summer program. Not that it worked all that well, but the time outside of the bar was helpful enough at least.

And now, as it's 5:10am and I'm writing this, I don't feel all that tired, and am fighting the urge to just drive home. I don't know why but I just wanna go. I can hear DS saying in my head, "Then just go." right now but that still doesn't mean I'm going to do it. It's not that simple, I'd have too many questions to answer about why/when I left, etc. And as much as I'd like to leave and go to sleep in my bed, it's not worth it. I think for tonight, I'm going to set my zippo on the table and stare at the flame for a while till I fall asleep.

November 7: Not enough time in the day

2008-11-07T04:26:00.000-05:00

I love my job. I loved it before, and I love the many new aspects and responsibilities that I have in it now. The benefits are great, my coworkers(most of them) are awesome, and my students are proving a very varied and diverse bunch of interesting and sometimes challenging young adults. One of the things, that most of my friends give me a lot of shit for, is the copious amounts of time off. For example, in the typical 35 hour work week that I have, this week I got paid for the full 35 while actually working only perhaps 20, and less than that when you factor in that some of my job I got paid for driving to and from the schools my students are at. Awesome, right? Well, yes... but also very much no. Sometimes, I work so little that I can't get everything done in the hours I'm being paid for. This means that I have to make a conscious decision that I've gotta get stuff done in some of my 'free time' and that I'm not going to get paid for it. I do it, as much because it relives my stress of not having things done that I need to have done, and hope that eventually I'll work out a routine/schedule that allows me to get everything done I need to as well as have all this crazy time off.

I'm at a friend's house all weekend 'camping' as we're still calling it. I mean, it's at his house, on 10 wooded acres which doesn't get cellular phone reception. Might as well be in the middle of the woods in some state park. Should be a good time!

November 6:

2008-11-06T18:05:00.003-05:00

I've re-discovered a love from my past. A love all the way from back during middle school actually. The 24oz. 99cent cans of Arizona Iced Teas. I remember going through the lunch lines in middle school and it was always my preferred drink of choice. There was enough of it there to quench my thirst without feeling like it was too small of a portion and a very sound buy. I mean, you couldn't get any other drink of that size for that price.

At the Agency, my co-worker Maggie(obvi not her real name) and I usually go out for coffee in the afternoons, and lunch, and walks, and anything else we can do that's a break from the work we're supposed to be doing. Instead of getting what we usually get, I've been trying to switch to healthier and if possible, also cheaper alternatives. It's been a slow process with lunch, but the afternoon coffee has been more successful. I've not only worked myself down to medium coffee's when I do get them, but I found that there's a store that has the Arizona Iced Teas that I used to get in middle school. Not only do they have the awesome original iced tea, but about 15 other flavors: kiwi-strawberry, grape, black&white, energy, plumb, honey and ginseng, etc... I can't even name them all, it's fantastic.

The other fantastic part about it, is that I've gotten to know the guys who run the place now, so they see me with the tea, I hand them the dollar and walk out the door. I think that's probably the coolest thing about the whole situation. Story: When I was younger, sometimes I'd go with my father to pick up the Sunday paper. Being the creatures of habit that we humans are, he'd go to the same place every time to get it. He'd look through to make sure it had all the sections in it, and then walk past everyone in the line, drop the 75cents on the counter, nod to the clerk, and walk out. I thought this was the absolute coolest thing on the face of the planet. My father was so special and known that he didn't even have to wait in line to buy his paper, he could just go right on past and walk out. Now, I know better, but it still reminds me of how cool it seemed then.

November 5: Tears of Joy

2008-11-05T19:51:00.002-05:00

It was surreal.

Throughout last night and into this morning, I just felt like I was in a movie. Like, this stuff doesn't happen in real life. But it did.

I didn't believe it when I was watching it. I had dozed off apparently for a bit, what felt like just closing and opening my eyes for a second, that in real life must have been about an hour. Plastered on the screen it had Obama projected as the winner. I blinked, sat up, and didn't believe my eyes. A few minutes later McCain gave his concession speech, arguably the best speech he's given in the past few months (and no, not just because it was him giving up).

And then the wait. Camera's panned over the 200k gathered to hear their President-Elect. The music started, the crowd roared, millions of eyes all across the country and the world including my own glistened with tears of joy. Tears of hope. The turmoil and seemingly snails pace of the last 20-odd months since this insane shindig started melted away, one tear at a time. I wonder how many eyes, overflowing with pride, were even left able to see him delivering the final stirring paragraphs. I know mine weren't.

This victory alone is not the change we seek - it is only the chance for us to make that change.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world - our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down - we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security - we support you. And to all those who have wondered if Americas beacon still burns as bright - tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

This is our moment. This is our time - to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth - that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we cant, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can.

November 4: Election Day

2008-11-04T17:37:00.003-05:00

I pulled up to the township municipal building, where I had gone countless times before to cast my vote. "Lords of Kobol" had just finished on my mp3 player as I got out of the car and walked under the overcast sky into the building. It was packed. More than I have ever remembered it being. The Smith's who live down the road from my parent's house were there, as always, volunteering to help run the polls. I waited in line, and then walked up to the table for District 3 and gave my name. Sign on the line in the book. Sign on the election ticket. Number 167. Wow, 167 at 10am... Last time I voted I was in the 90's and it was 6pm. I stood in line for the voting machine, making small talk with Mr. Smith as I waited.
"Has it been like this all day?" I asked.
"Yep, there was a line twenty people deep at 6am before we even got here! It hasn't stopped like that since then." He replied.
"Wow. Though, that's how it should be every election."
"Should be..." He trailed off, echoing my thoughts in his silence.
My turn. Through the curtain, the machine bleeped and blinked to life. Entertaingly enough, due to state and local politics, Barack Obama was the only democrat I voted for, the rest Republican either because I personally knew the candidate or I was specifically voting against the other candidate. I answered the ammendement and proposition questions, nothing racy or worth reporting there, appointing judges or open space preservation kinds of things, and then stared at the little green arrow pointing to Obama's name. I stopped for a second, taking it in.

"Today, we make history" and with that, I cast my vote.

I'll keep this short...

2008-11-03T19:39:00.005-05:00

In any other election, I'd say just getting out and voting is enough. Stand in line, sign your name, push the button, even if you don't select anyone, just push the button, and go home knowing that you are doing what millions can't. This year, it's different. This year, there are two candidates, each of whom probably hold the future of this country in their hands. This year, more than ever, it really does matter.

Make a difference.

Change our world.

November 2: An unorriginal naming scheme

2008-11-02T20:01:00.000-05:00

If I'm already putting myself on the juicer to squeeze out 30 blog posts(yes, I had to sing the song to figure out how many days there were in November) and 50,000 words (which I haven't quite started yet, but I've thought tons about it!!) I'm not going to spend any excess cerebral sparkage on post titles. If they naturally happen, then fine... but other than that, it's not worth it.

2 days or so until history gets made in my country, one way or another. Personally, I hope it's the one way or else I'm going to have to see about how The Agency feels about me commuting to work from Canada...

Went out to my Favorite Winery because on the weekends they have their Holiday Spice wine all warmed up and served special for $5. Conclusion: I don't like it. Perhaps I should have tried it before I bought a few bottles, but yeah, it's waaaaay too heavy on the clove spice in it. It honestly reminds me of drinking a liquefied Djarum clove cigarette, which quite frankly, is disgusting. Oh well, I'll give it out as Christmas presents to people, I'm sure someone else might like it. Hopefully. I went there with Dzia, who, after recent circumstances, I have a feeling I'm going to be seeing a lot more of again. Normally I'm not one to really consider re-doing relationships for another go-round, but maybe if we're both in different places then it might work out eventually. Stranger things have happened... though, even with how many votes of conficence my closest friends have given her, I'm not quite holding my breath yet.

NaNoWriBloPoMo... FoSho?

2008-11-01T19:53:00.000-04:00

If backdating blog posts isn't cheating, which I'm assuming it isn't (even if it is), who thinks I can do both, simultaneously this year? If none of you are raising your hand (I'm not raising my own hand) my money's with all of you. I figure 1 of two things will happen here. Either, eventually I'll get so fed up of setting goals like this and failing miserably at them, that it'll finally spur me on to complete one or I'll actually do it for once, and huzzah! I can't qualify what kinds of posts these will be, or that I won't have to back-date a few(hopefully not too many) but about all I can say, is I hope to be slightly more pertinent than George Orwell. Not that it isn't fascinating for me to see what he considers pertinent enough to write daily in a diary about, but I wouldn't subject anyone else to it, until I'm as famous as... well... George Orwell.

Oh geez....

2008-10-29T23:28:00.004-04:00

Where does the time go?? I've been gone a month. Wow. That's awesome and very helpful for my desire to write more often.

Um, hi....

Here's a list of links taking up my on-line time:

Superstruct

Second Life

Google News

Babylon Podcast

Anything Obama related

And soon to hopefully sap my life dry: NaNoWriMo

That's not to mention the days long process of cleaning my room, a friend having another round of biopsy's, attempting some sort of meager social life, being jealous of other people dating, dealing with living at home with the 'rents, and continually feeling unprepared and unqualified for the job position that I have.

The only recent up-side, my brother and I shot another wedding last Saturday and we rocked it. It looks like (knock on wood) that there were a few of the bride&groom's friends there who are looking for photographers and guess who's card they have!!! 2 more weddings and I'll have my second camera paid off, and then I get to buy/start paying off my 100-400 and decide on whether I want the 24-70 f2.8 or the 24-105 f4.

G'night

Overtime

2008-09-25T00:09:00.002-04:00

So, it's official. My inherited caseload is so massively screwed up that I can't even start on any one new, let alone do what I need to for existing clients because what's on the computer end and what's in the physical file end aren't even close. There are unquestionably over a hundred individuals that I need to track down, close from my services, transfer to co-workers, transfer to other agencies, or worst of all, make up their info to get them off of my grid (my list) because there so far out of our system we have no contact info for them. So, until further notice, my work hours just became 8am to 6pm every day. As much of a pain in the royal behind this is going to be, I am really happy that I can build up 15+ hours of 'comp time'. Comp time basically means that I can just add it to any random day whenever I feel like it to make it add up to a full day. Example, I visit clients till noon, write on my time sheet I used comp time to fill up the rest of my required hours for the day, and then go rafting for the rest of the day on the river that happens to be close to the client I just went to see. We can store up to 60 hours and then the Powers That Be take it away from us with no reimbursement. Which, when thought about is reasonable enough considering with my 35 hour work week it's continual, self replenishing vacation time. And that doesn't count in our actual vacation, sick, or administrative time given to us. I've got two words for that: sweet deal.

I met with the financial planner guy who one of my employee's I hired seasonally last year gave my name too. After doing some research on the company he represents, I came to the quick conclusion that if I went out looking for someone in his field rather than him finding me, I would have most definitely chosen his company. He's a part of Northwestern Mutual has an unbelievably impressive and stable history in personal wealth management and life insurance. If they could maintain all of their workforce and even grow a little bit during the Great Depression of the 1920's, then whatever economic crisis we're going through now also shouldn't be a problem. Since I have a feeling that I will end up investing/starting some financial relationship with him, I'm going to use the name Tony for whenever I talk about him. No, not Chris's Tony but rather because of Tony Soprano. It entertains me greatly to nickname him for the most famous, fictitious, Jersey mobster and to think that he's in charge of my future financial stability. I'm easily amused...

Yesterday (because I passed out at 6:30 until my alarm this morning and didn't get to write or anything else for that matter), after job shadowing my counterpart in the southern part of the state I met Dzia to hang out for a bit. I hadn't seen her since she came up on a rainy Saturday three weekends back attempting to wash our cars together. Were I not a bit under the weather and the weather a bit warmer than it was we might have washed them anyway, but ultimately decided Starbucks was a better plan. Anyway, we met on the River and did all the fun cliche things that a boy and a girl do, talked, laughed, skipped rocks, joked around, went for a walk, etcetera etcetera. It was nice to see her and I did have a really good time. I really do believe that when she and I had our 'go round' the first time we just met a bit too early in each of our lives, and now, while we've got better timing in that respect, we just gotta not go too fast and we just might end up with something... or, at least there's the possibility of it. Just the fact that she entertained and seemed enthused at the idea of coming to Vegas with myself and a few friends is a significant step from whence I last knew her.

My Internet is actually out as I'm typing this, so if it doesn't come back up before I'm ready to head to sleep, which is quite soon, I have every intention of back dating this post to the proper day and time. Now if only there were a way to transfer this to my Kindle and I could post it from there...

Headaches, weddings, and then some...

2008-09-22T22:40:00.005-04:00

Today, was the first day in nearly a week and a half where I haven't had a splitting migraine like headache just about exactly 4 hours after I woke up. It's nice, really nice to be pain free like that, but at the same time after having it been so consistent there's still a little fear in the back of my head that this is only a tease. I'm not sure quite when that irrational fear crept up on me, but if I'm sick for more than a week I don't really enjoy the places that my thoughts go to. Intense feelings of inevitability; that I'm never going to get better and I'm only going to get worse. Unrealistic and ridiculous, I know, but that doesn't prevent them from coming. Maybe it was from watching my uncle degrade in the months leading up to his death, maybe just the amount of times I've been sick, or just one too many episodes of House.

In other news, I finally e-mailed myself home a bunch quotes and sayings that I had collected while I was at work that I wanted to add to my Commonplace Book. So far it consists mostly quotes and the definition of what it is taped on the inside cover lest I ever forget. If I had a color printer I feel like it might fill up faster, but then again, not having one just means maybe I can coerce myself into drawing or constructing something artistic rather than easy.

I went to a wedding on Saturday for a friend of mine who I knew from high school. We were definitely friends then and had managed, more or less, to keep in semi consistent contact throughout the college years but I'll admit, I was kinda surprised when I got the invite. Anyway, it was a beautiful, hi tech, 'contemporary christian' wedding as it gets. (Interestingly enough, he found the exact same evangelical christian group on his college campus that I found on mine, which could have been enough of a connection...) Except for the headache I still had at that point, exacerbated by the flashing lights and loud dance music, that is. I found out that I had a hidden boccie ball talent I never knew about. He also had up a video camera where guests could step out of the reception and leave a message, personal, crazy, or a mildly inebriated mix of both. We did a group crazy one from high school, but I did go back and leave him a personal, dare I say even religiously inspirational, message to him and his new bride. It was probably one of the first times in the past year I've referred to anything remotely christian/religious.

My uncle came up in conversation again tonight. It's strange how from June-Sept his memory always seems to resurface just a little more than it would have any other time of the year. It's like there's still an indent in the fabric of life where he's missing from. Anyway, his first name was one of the pen-names I used in college when I was writing poetry I didn't want to have to explain to the fellowship. I sent the link to said poem to Dzia, whom I've had the greatest resurgence of a relationship with since we talked early last month, and she asked me to explain the name that I used. So I did, and I of course thought of my uncle, and then something hit me that I never quite thought of before. I was thinking about how much else I wish he could teach me, guitar, music, painting, drawing... when I realized he taught me something infinitely more valuable. Infinitely more personal. In that last day I spent with him, he taught me how to die.

As morbid as that may sound it gives me as much greater level of peace and contentment in the ongoing process of dealing with him being gone. Up until now, I think I felt a more significant touch of jealousy toward my cousins than I was aware of. They had learned music and art from him while I just got to see him on holidays and think on memories of watching in awe rather than being taught to participate with. (There was one time, only one, that I can ever remember participating musically with him to such a point where he looked at me and smiled, and took notice. Him, my cousins, and I broke out in Rufus Wainwright's Hallelujah for a reason now lost to time) That day I spent with him, watching the Yankees, talking about life and relationships, eating a whole pint of Strawberry Hagen Daaz.... all in the face of an inevitable amount of just days left... Maybe what I learned that day can't be accurately passed on in words, but to be able to breath just a little bit easier when the memory of him stirs this time next year will make all the difference.

A rough week

2008-09-20T01:07:00.004-04:00

For whatever reason I just can't seem to shake whatever germ army I have floating around in my bloodstream. It's definitely a German or Swiss germ army though... very intense and very precise. At 9am every morning I've felt the headache come on, by 10am it's near migraine or migraine status, beats hard until about 4 or 5pm, and then retreats for the evening and quietly lingers not causing any pain, but reminding me it's still there. It's probably from just having been sick so many times growing up, but I don't do well with long, consistent illnesses like that. They tend to bring my ordinarily optimistic demeanor to a very abrupt dark pessimism. I've been getting by this time because even with the headaches still here, I can definitely feel the cough, sore throat, achy rest of the sickness has just about cleared up.

I'm unrealistically hoping that tomorrow(Saturday) will be my first really good day, because I'm going to be at a wedding and spending the night at a hotel. I'm about 3/4 excited and 1/4 nervous for tomorrow. I'm not in the wedding, or doing photography/video for it (which I do if anyone's getting married and looking for a photographer/videographer ;-) but it's a good friend of mine from high school, and a girl he met from his fellowship up at his school. A chapter of the exact same fellowship that was at my school. Considering the amount of contact I've wanted to keep in with that time in my life (about nil) and the fact that I'm going to be around more of them and more of their music and beliefs and conversations and 'traditions' if you will, than I have been in the last year at least, probably closer to two. Frankly, I dont' think that his wedding is the time or place to get into any of it, my current thoughts or simple lack thereof, so I'll say what I need to say and do what I need to do to pass and should someone be sensitive enough to see through it, then I'll call it fate and see where it leads. Might as well start discussing the elephant in the room....

Caught up on the TV shows I've been missing not having regular tv channels/DVR. In a short recap: Knight Rider, as much as I want to love it will probably be the earliest canceled show of the season, and rightfully so; Terminator, was fantastic as expected. The season premire had me bowing to Bear McCreary's musical genious for the whole first act, and by the last act my jaw was on the floor with the reveal of Shirley Manson's character; Prison Break, continues to add depth to already deep characters and totally earns the increase in viewrship it's been steadilly getting; Bones, continues to just feel real, dealing with interpersonal issues in a realistic manner. David Boreanaz is more amazing with each episode and as much as I didn't like him at first, Sweets is growing on me. Still a few shows I'm missing, but I can only watch so much tv for so long...

Reading however, ever since I got the Amazon Kindle, has been steadilly increasing to the point of taking time away from sleeping again. I imagine it'll simmer down eventually, but it's nice to want to read and have so many things to read again. All the paperback Star Trek series and other little books that I felt were a waste of space reading once and then storing, but wanting to have and not just take out from the library are now becoming mine. I can attach notes to lines or concepts in them I like and have all those notes magically appear in one file, it's delicious. A full post/review on the Kindle is still in the pipeline... just not sure where.

So here's to a hopefully better coming week. If I can just get through work productively, a few scheduled meetings passibly, and not be in pain/sick for the coming festival where I'll be rendevouxing with a few people I'm very interested in seeing again I'll be a very happy individual.

Penicillin is my friend

2008-09-17T21:47:00.002-04:00

So, to combat Sinus Infection of Doom, the doctor, of course, gave me medicine. By far, this isn't the first time this has happened. I spent every other week in the pediatrician's office when I was growing up with some ear or throat, or tonsil, or sinus infection of some kind or another. Back then, before the prevalence of antibiotic resistant germs, it was prescription after prescription of bubble gum flavored penicillin. We had barely just finished the one that was just in the fridge before the new one was there for whatever was ailing me next. Sometimes I seriously think that I owe more thanks to science and the pharmaceutical companies for bringing and keeping me in this world than I do my parents. Before I digress into the "How I came into this world" story....

This antibiotic, Avelox, which they prescribed me the other day is apparently some newer class of antibiotic designed to kick the crap out of penicillin resistant germs. That's fine, so I can see if we can add something else that actually works to the list of drugs I can take to fight infections. Apparently, my fragile little body is not capable of handling that newer and stronger class of drug because woah side effects. The first day it was just headache and dizziness. Today however, full on migrane, upset stomach, dizziness, nausea... you get the picture. Needless to say, the doctor thought it prudent to have me stop taking that and prescribe something new. And by new I mean old, tried and true, penicillin derived Augmentin.

This got me thinking, and knocking on wood real hard, but what if penicillin ever stopped working for me. The last two not-penicillin based drugs didn't go so well, at all. Logically there must be hundreds of other drugs out there in various strengths and forms but still... it's kind of a scary thought when it's probably inevitable that one day I'll catch a bug that it won't work on. Then what? I know I've never had the immune system of Superman, but I found myself contemplating whether I need to slow down life a bit and start living a bit more in moderation. Maybe just because I can function on 4 hours sleep doesn't mean that I should. Maybe a more static routine is a better thing for at least my health. Could it be that at 24 I need to start thinking about slowing down my life?!?! Growing up, I always pictured my 20's and 30's as wild and crazy times filled with parties, trips, vacations, countless nights spent at the bar or club... Maybe at the end of my 30's or 40's once I've got a wife and kids and bills and a house and stuff could I start to slow things down a bit. I've never been the party pooper. I've always been the last one up to squeeze all the life and experience out of any given moment but maybe I don't need to do that every time. Maybe the summer program will run itself just fine if I don't work 14+ hours a day for a month straight. Maybe giving some time to moderation now will give back more time in longevity. Maybe.... maybe I'm just overreacting.

Letters, vol. 2 (at least)

2008-09-16T23:51:00.003-04:00

Dear Sinus Headache of Doom,
It's been fun. No really, I mean it. But seriously now, you're just about at the point where you've overstayed your welcome. Tonight's the last night you can stay but after that I fully expect for you to have your bags packed and for you to move on. We both know that you'll be back again someday.

Best of luck,
Zeke and Tylenol Sinus

Dear New Job,
I think we're going to get along just fine. I know that you were abused and neglected by at least the previous two people in my position and that we've got a lot of work to get you up to snuff, but we can do it. We can fill the over 50 physical files that were never started and make sure that those students don't fall through the cracks, or at least that no one else does. Yes, it's also been quite an adjustment for me moving down a floor and having to establish relationships with a whole new set of co-workers, but you've rewarded me thus far with a new boss equally as awesome as my old one and a cubicle the size of Texas. I mean, c'mon... I've got a window and enough space to set up a Twister mat and not roll over it when I'm working at my computer. Not that I'm suggesting we get in an office sized game of Twister, but you know... We could.

Keep up the awesome,
Satisfied employee Zeke

Dear Summer Program 2009,
I know that programs 2006-2008 owned my life for the month of July but I'm putting my foot down right now: I will not accept more of the same. We are going to have little deadlines starting in March so that there's no craziness leading up to July, and by Jove I will find or make out of legos competent assistant(s) to my position who I can delegate tasks to and be sure they'll get done to my satisfaction. I will have days off, I will not completely disappear from those I care about in my life, and I will sacrifice what it takes to see to that happening.

Forewarned,
Director Zeke

Dear Room,
You look only moderately better than Galveston, TX does right now. There is a method and order to my chaos with all the things I've thrown about and it will be better soon. Ever since moving back out of Philly it's been difficult to re-adjust to having everything from clothes to toasters in my room because it's the only place for *my* stuff. If E does change jobs, hopefully you'll be cleaned out for good within the next year or so. Pretty soon you'll forget about the piles of stuff on my bay window.... and floor... and desk... and in it's place will be a new desk, a finished window and an uncluttered floor.

Promise,
me

Dear John Mayer,
I may not be able to stand the rest of your catalog of music, but you hit it out of the park with "Stay".

Just because it's on repeat,
Zeke

I'm mobile

2008-09-04T07:31:00.000-04:00

This is a test post from my new Amazon Kindle. If you're into reading, new technology, and just plain cool stuff this device is for you. Full review is forthcoming.

Looking for the Elusive "Her" #1: She's Independent

2008-08-17T23:28:00.008-04:00

Her physical characteristics are vague, but that's not what's important about her. We're at a gallery opening, my gallery opening, or some similar type event. It's your typical movie scene wine and cheese affair. White walls with various pictures and paintings hanging and people milling about. Shiny wooden floor, a mix of recessed and track lighting, you can picture the place... I'm on one side of the room, having just finished talking to someone or some reporter like people but whomever they were, they were individuals who had clearly taken me away from something else I had been doing. There was a silence as they disbursed and I turned around to survey the room and find who I was looking for. There she was, across the room, straight black dress, lightly sequined/sparkly, glass of white wine cupped in her hands, talking to 2 or 3 people. I don't know what she looked like or even what color hair she had, I just remember being wildly impressed, overwhelmed even, by the air of independence she gave off. That regardless of the situation, or what was going on, or who was or wasn't there, she could hold her own and take care of things.... that I could feel comfortable letting her take care of things. I didn't feel like I had to run over and save or help her. She was fully independent, but there with me as well...

In some ways, I think it's that feeling that I'm waiting for from someone else to really allow me to let go and fall into love with them. I'm a control freak about many things and I know that. I deal with that and try (often successfully) to control it so it's not detrimental to the projects I'm working on or things I'm doing.

This past month I've been the director of a summer program(A.K.A Why I've Disappeared) and have had no choice but to let go of a lot of things I'd rather have retained control over myself. However, it was stipulated in my contract that I could only work 192 hours in a two week period, compared to the 273 I had last year. I very closely trusted the two individuals who I had working right under me making decisions in my place, and that helped a lot. But there was always that feeling where I had to be around, not over them, but around because I knew them well enough to know when they'd make decisions based upon their feelings and not the overall good of what needed to be done. That was fine and expected, I still do it too. In the end the program this year turned out more than fantastic and it was the best it's been (though, I had the added assistance of two prior years to build on and adjust from, so I can't take nearly all the credit).

That image, of 'the woman in the black dress', that's a whole other level than like it was at the program. I felt more comfortable, more trusting, more able to let go of the need to control with that 'mythical' woman. I put that word in quotes because I hope very much she's not mythical. To have that deep a trusting with someone would be exactly what I'd be looking for in a life partner to compliment me. I would need to feel that while we made a perfect pair, she could stand all on her own in the multitude of every-day settings that life throws at us. If I had to continually second guess if she could, the relationship would not last.

I've been trying for months to really figure out the kind of person I want to be with so I can either 1. look for those traits in people I meet, and/or 2. not pass over someone I already know who has them but I'm just blind to it at the moment. Figuring out what's really important to me hasn't been as easy as it sounds. "Just create your ideal woman" really is a shitty guideline to try and go by since that always seems to turn into some type of deluded sexual fantasy. So instead of that, I took the only thing I knew... that one fleeting image of whoever she was in whatever dream or imaginary world she came from and decided to start there. Hopefully, one post at a time, I'll be able to collect the personality and character of that elusive woman I keep searching for, and finally end up with a physical body to go with it.....

The rumors of my disappearance have been greatly... well, maybe slightly exaggerated...

2008-07-24T09:11:00.004-04:00

But that doesn't mean that I'm back here full time yet either. For those of you who don't know me in real life, I'm currently running a work skills training program for blind or visually impaired high school aged students. I'm the Coordinator of Student Life, aka: Director of the program when the program manager (my boss) isn't around... which has been quite frequently. I oversee all activities related to dorm life (the students live on campus for 2 weeks), Independent Daily Living skills from showering to getting to class on time, recreational activities, schedules for Orientation and Mobility training, as well as overseeing my staff of 7 who interact directly with the students. I'm up every day at 6am and working till about 12am and then hanging and talking with my really really awesome staff until about 2am. I've been here since July 5th and will be here until August 2nd, at which point I will promptly fall face first onto my bed and sleep for at least a day. After that, I'm off to Vegas and Sequoia National Park with my parents for a mini vacation, and then I start work at The Agency full time!! I just got offered a permanent position and while I may be too tired to be excited about it now, I'm pretty sure inside I am. I'm going to be a Transition Counselor for students aged 14-21 for the northern part of my state. Getting them technology, sitting in on IEP meetings, making sure they have an IPE when they graduate, getting them any and all other services they need, that's me for about 200 of them. It may sound like a lot, but believe it or not, it's doable.

That's all for now, and probably the foreseeable next 3 weeks... I've got a metric shit-ton of stuff to do, and quite a long list of incidents/ideas for posts here or other writing so that hopefully once I've got my life back from this program, I'll be able to schedule a regular time to write and actually get some of this out of my head and into reality. I'll try not to make any more empty promises of this time or that time and just say, eventually.

Blogging the week in pictures (and subtitles) #2

2008-05-20T23:34:00.008-04:00

Hey, your name is written in the pavement... haha!

Progress.

Bingo. Checkers. Monopoly. Chess. Independence.

If you're a fan of Battlestar Galactica....

Just a little nap after dinner.

If you're really lucky, tomorrow I'll show you my photocopier at the office.....

Blogging the week in pictures (and subtitles) #1

2008-05-19T23:10:00.000-04:00

I couldn't not walk through the set on my way to catch the 6:33am train...

Taped to the wall of Track 4 Section A.

Sometimes, I get a little bit OCD at work...

A routine visitor to my cubicle.

Finally, the first 150 copies of my report completed!

I've watched too many "made for TV" movies...

2008-05-15T01:01:00.003-04:00

When I was in high school, it was called "being a romantic."
In college, it became "hopeless romantic."
Now.... I think "delusionaly romantic" is appropriate.
I don't know why it is, but every time I go to meet someone new of the female gender, a little part of me starts whispering in the back of my head, "Maybe this one. Maybe this time you'll walk around a corner, see her, she'll look at you, and there will be this magic connection with imaginary bells chiming and you'll just know she's the one and you can stop looking."

I've probably hear that voice 40 or 50 legitimate times(or at least times that voice thought was legit) in the past few years. So often, that it's probably one of the single biggest reasons that I'm still single at the moment. It comes on so often in fact, that it makes me hesitate about starting something with someone who I don't have that spark with. Who might instead, just be a nice, attractive, willing, loyal person who's interested in me. That's not enough. Maybe it should be, and I'm missing out on what could grow into something better than I imagine that spark of a moment to be. But right now I can't do that, it'd be unfair to whomever I was dating at the time. As much as I'd be with them, my mind, my heart wouldn't be completely in it, because around that next corner I'd always be looking for that one person. It's the irony of of all ironies, but I can't stand movies with that plot line.

I hate them so much apparently that I've become one. Shaving, dressing up, trying to look good because I'm going to be meeting a newly hired co-worker tomorrow whom I've never met before. And for whatever reason this week, that voice decided to start talking about her, and "how perfect it would be and how her being it would fit". That I'll walk down to her cubicle and turn the corner and that spark will be waiting there for me in her eyes. Do I sound as pathetic as I feel?

This shares a similarity I think to the reason I can't watch Smallville on TV. Instead of enjoying an episode, I find myself almost depressed after watching one... the more I watch the more depressed I get. Feelings of inadequacy overwhelm me, while even though I know it's just a made up TV show, I still feel like I'm insignificant and doing nothing in comparison to them. I feel guilty that I'm not Superman, or making a difference as an 'ordinary' person like Chloe.

I use what of it I can to my advantage. Using that drive to find ways to do things more efficiently and quickly than others would expect, which has, upon occasion led to praise from bosses and supervisors. I'm sure it's why I have trouble just doing something, and always have to do it well or work at it until I can. It's disconcerting and agitating to me when I feel average, or below at something. I don't have to be the best at everything, I know that's unrealistic, but I'd better be at least in the upper tier of ability (or have a good reason why I'm not, eg. gymnastics - I'm not a flexible 12 year old female) or it's gonna get to me.

So I go to sleep every night, and wake up ever morning, hoping to run into that spark that some part of me is convinced exists somewhere. I don't want to exist on the "maybe you're the one maybe you're not the one" plane of existence I see most everywhere I look. I don't want to wait on their every word or be let down by errant words they might or might not have meant anyway. A equal spark. Like two single lane roads merging seamlessly into one two lane road. Each road still exists unhindered but joined. I don't want to look in the mirror and see my happiness dependent on that person being in my mirror. I want to look at myself in the mirror and see happiness, and then look in the mirror next to mine and see happiness.
I don't want 1+1=2
I want 1+1=11

It wasn't quite this simple...

2008-05-04T05:05:00.003-04:00

Boy meets girl.

Boy likes girl.

Boy and girl get to know each other.

Mutual attraction develops.

Dating occurs.

Relationship begins.

Awesome honeymoon period of 1-4 months.

Boy sees things he doesn't like anymore in girl.

Boy decides ending the relationship is the best choice.

Awkward ending relationship time period.

Relationship ends.

Time passes.

Boy talks to girl again because as much as he knows they didn't work out he still misses the things about her that caused him to like her in the first place.

Enter familiar flirtation stage right.

Boy sees how fun and exciting flirtation is.

Boy begins to doubt whether the things that were worth ending the relationship, really were.

Boy feels desire to kiss girl, just to... you know... see what happens.

Boy is faced with a choice: 1. To logically accept that of course since he liked her once, he would like the same things about her again and he really made the right choice ending things because he is blinded to anything but what he likes seeing... 2. Maybe he made a mistake the first time around and hey, let's try this thing again because he really likes her and this time will be different.

Boy looks at other relationships in his past and evaluates how same or different this one would be.

Boy begrudgingly accepts choice one after realizing that "this time" is never any different.

Boy kicks himself for being stupid... again... and gets ready for bed, after setting an alarm so he can wake up and make her breakfast....

What happens when you stare at a screen and the dam finally breaks....

2008-04-20T23:45:00.005-04:00

So, I made the decision this weekend that I'm not staying on another year in Philadelphia. I'm relieved, but not happy. In a way, it feels like I've failed. I've failed at moving out and supporting myself on my own. Now, I have to crawl back to my parents house and live there and save money before I try again. In reality it's nothing like that. My parents would most likely have helped me pay the few bills that I needed help with, and supported me as I needed for at least another year at which time I might have been able to save up enough to keep on making a go of it. No, I wouldn't have had a big nest egg to work with, if any.... but who does now? I read so often about friends who are making it paycheck to paycheck, moving around restlessly, searching desperately for roommates to bring the bills down to a barely reasonable level, and part of me thinks, "yeah, that's what this time of life is all about".

But then Vulcan logic kicks in and I remember a piece of advice I once gave to a girl I thought I was going to marry. This was my High School Sweetheart and we were both going through college application craziness. She was applying to a whole bunch of schools that she really wanted to get into and taking it as seriously as most guidance counselors tell most high school students they should. I, on the other hand, hadn't yet even begun to fill out my one page application to community college because I knew I was going there and they don't reject anyone, so why worry?

In retrospect, I think she resented me for that. We planned to take our SAT's on the same day so we could go to the park after we had finished. She went to bed early that night before, ate a breakfast and was there 20 minutes early, just like her Princeton Review course had told her to be. I didn't take any courses, didn't go to bed any earlier, slept in too late, and went to take the test in the shorts and t-shirt that I had slept in. My bed-head conveniently camouflaged under a New York Yankees baseball cap.

She, being a music major (the first of many major changes), had the benefit of an audition where she could prove that she was better than her SAT's said she was. I knew that's where she would shine. I could listen to her sing for hours (less if she chose to sing soprano, but when she sang alto... endless), smile watching her connect with 3-5 year old's until my face was sore, or drift into such a peaceful state listening to her flute echo throughout the church sanctuary. Being with her, made me know that if no other quality, being musically inclined would be one of the quickest ways into my heart.

I digress. She had a contact, a teacher, at her first choice school who her father played with regularly in a band. He mentioned to her father, knowing her talent was more than tests and grades showed, that if she ever decided to come to his school to let him know and he'd help her out. Now, this wouldn't have disproportionately advantaged her against any other applicant, rather, leveled the playing field so to speak. My advice to her at the time (spoken with a heavy grain of religious salt) was that, "[If God] had given you this contact, this ability, isn't it unnecessarily handicapping yourself [and going against God's Will] not to use everything you've been given to accomplish what you want?"

As luck, chance, [God?] would have it, I was born to extraordinary parents, who have enough confidence in how they raised me that they will selflessly give to me above and beyond the call of other parents knowing I won't let them down. Was I entirely out of money for living in Philly? No. Between no interest offers and loans from friends who'd I'd loaned large amounts of money in the past, could I make it? Yes. Would it be easy and would I have much, besides saying I lived in Philly for 2 years, to show for it? No. So I'd be 2 years behind in what life should be [I guess], and have little if any savings to start some real attempt at a stable life because frankly, working 35 hours a week, and commuting 30 hours a week at a minimum is not realistic for anyone.

DS called it before I even really felt it. She knew that this was ridiculous and that I need to stop being whatever I was being and do what needed to be done. As we sat in the Vietnamese place for lunch, "So you're not happy with life at the moment"
"No."
"You're not happy with your commute and overall lack of free time."
"No."
"You're not even happy with the way you look or feel physically."
"Nope."
"Then what the hell are you doing?"
And of course, she was right. I think my trip out to see her was the first step, and my weekend spent at home, just at home this past weekend was the second and final step. I've got someplace to go home too which I've always had. I'm already in the routine of paying out for rent, utilities, etc, so now I can keep that up and just pay it right into a savings account (which my father has agreed to keep so I'm not stupid with the extra money floating around). I'm used to missing 30 hours a week, so now I can take that time, put an extra 2 a day to sleeping (bringing it from 4 hours a night back up to 6ish) and focus those other 4 hours on creative endeavors. I'm going to start keeping a "creative log" of sorts to make sure I don't squander my newfound time on stupid things, like getting lost on the Internet or something else unproductive. I want to try painting. I want to get back to writing music. I need to have 8,000 words in an intelligible novelette or few chapters of a novel by June 30th for a week long Science Fiction writing seminar I want to attend. I'd like to put Linux on my laptop, and make it fully functional on my desktop. I'd like to go rock climbing with Superman again. I'd like to not run myself into the ground during the week, and have to sleep at 12 hour clips on the weekend to catch up.

And now, that it's 3:49ish and I've managed to combine what looks like at least 3 individual posts in to one (possibly) semi-coherent ramble, I'm going to sleep. I'm also reserving the right to edit this once I'm awake and, well... awake.

Blogmark - California

2008-04-16T02:47:00.002-04:00

Like the scores of books sitting on myself with colored tassels hanging out of their tops and down their spines, marking places I've long since forgotten that I've read to, so this blogmark holds a place in my blog for my trip to California. This will be where I will explicate the following potentially confusing list of events.

In only a minor representation of no particular order, where:

- I met Gaius Baltar, the harbinger of death to the 12 colonies of Kobol, all for a hot blond and glowing spine;

- I met one of the most significant contemporary musical influences in my life currently;

- I learned that geeks everywhere can bond anywhere;

- Sleeping in an airport is an acceptable means of overnight accommodations;

- I walked 2 miles uphill because 1. I said I would and 2. was too stubborn to stop anywhere but the top;

- I decided to watch a tear-jerker of a movie on a plane surrounded by 5 adult women from the same eye doctor's office coming back from a conference of some sort, presumably having to do with optometry;

- I helped DS successfully think up a good excuse to play hookey from work and spend the day roaming her world, meeting her friends, and enjoying her company just like the old times;

- I traveled the countryside to have lunch with far off friends, because they weren't so far off anymore;

- I decided it was a great idea to take a 10:25pm flight to get me home at 6:45am after the appropriate amount of time and time zone adjustments, and then go right to work at The Agency (my blind co-workers can't see me sleeping, so I won't actually be sleeping then, right?)

- I now go to sleep to rest for my last day with the ocean on the wrong side me and turn off DS's iTunes I've been enjoying listening to (I forgot how much I missed my Robert Miles cassette tape, which I should probably get on CD now...)

Terminator:TSC season finale

2008-04-10T00:15:00.004-04:00

The orange creamsicle tasted sweeter than I remembered. Maybe because it had been so long since I had a chance to enjoy such a simple pleasure. This was the first break I had gotten in a long time from trying to save the world... except for school. If you can really count school as a break....

Derek was more relaxed than I'd ever seen him, elbows propped up on the picnic table we were sitting at. Seeing him that relaxed made me tense up and I scanned the park, making note of all the faces and finding at least 4 paths for a quick escape. At least one of us should have our guard up. Mom's training.

I only half listen to Derek as he talks to me. I look around the park again, trying this time to see it from his point of view. Knowing what this place will look like after Judgment Day... and yet, sitting here, barely believing your eyes that it could ever have looked like it does now. Sun shining, kids playing, green grass... hell, the sun or grass of any kind at all....

The baseball, bright white against the emerald grass, brings me back to the present. I had noted the kids playing earlier, but had already deemed them not a threat. That's all the Machines would need to do... create child Terminators. The ball stopped a few feet in front of me and I knelt down to pick it up. The littlest one ran over to get it from me. I smiled at him, or more accurately, the innocent, carefree spirit I saw within him. In his world, there was no other concern but getting that ball and continuing to play with his older brother. For a split second we stared at each other, eyes locked in a familiar sort of gaze. 'Cute kid,' I thought, secretly hoping to myself that he might be one of the ones spared from living through the war with Skynet; That he would never have to loose his innocence....

As he smiles his 'thank you' and runs back to his brother my gaze lingers upon them, observing a life I never led. A life of playing in parks, not living in constant fear that a Machine might be sitting on the bench across the street calculating the best time to kill me. As the children exchange gear and the older one takes the ball something catches my eye. For a split second, it looked like there was a name on the back of the shirt... I watch, silently willing him to turn around again to prove to me it was just an apparition. The older one turns around and I freeze. A million thoughts fly through my head at once, eyes widen, mouth falls agape. It can't be... R-E-E-S-E. It is. My mouth starts to move but no sound comes out. Is that Derek? If that's Derek then that means....

I regain control of my body before my voice and spin to face Derek sitting, smirking at the table, knowing I had just discovered his birthday present to me. "Is.... Is that.... you?" I'm hardly capable of stammering those words out. He says nothing. His eyes move from the kids up to me, a silent answer. I turn back and continue to stare at them, my mouth moving, yet soundless. I turn back, needing to know... "And the younger one... is that...." Derek answers as I trail off, already knowing the question that was coming. "Kyle." It is. That's my father, or rather will be my father....

He's in mid throw as I turn back around to look at him. He looks so focused, completely concentrating on throwing the ball back to his brother. The satisfied look on his face after he makes the 20ft throw causes a smile to tick at the corners of my lips. He runs back to pick up the bat again. "Throws pretty good for a 5-year old, huh?" Derek asks. I didn't need to answer. I couldn't answer. The emotional weight on my chest was beginning to choke me up. He picked up the bat, clearly too big and heavy for him, and choked up almost 4 inches. "Your father always had a nice arm." My heart skips a beat... He knows! Shit, did I give it away? Mom told me not to tell him, I didn't just do that... did I? I swing my torso to face him. Barely louder than a whisper, I choked out, "How'd you know?" Derek looks me in the eye, not hesitating for a moment. "Every time I look at you I see him" as his eyes dart back to the 5-year old Kyle swinging his bat.

My heart once again fills my throat as I'm lost for words. Half a smiling, half in awe my mind is reeling with the events of the past few minutes. My uncle, introducing me to my father decades before my father will conceive me with my mother. It's almost too complex for me to get my head around, but there it is... right in front of me. "Besides, your mom's his type" Derek adds. I slowly turn back to face my father. My body quivers with emotions I can't even being to distinguish. Part of me wants to cry, wants to run over to him and say ' it's ok dad, mom and I are here' .... but he's only 5.

My eyes tear up in the realization that this moment, here and now, is as close as I will ever get to having a complete family.... a normal family like everyone else. A mother, a father, and their child. This is the only time the three of us will ever physically be in the same place during the same time. My lip quivers and an unseen chill runs down my back. "Happy Birthday" Kyle says quietly. My eyes stay locked on my father as I burn every detail of each second into my memory. I've finally met my father.

I swallow hard against the lump in my throat. Happy Birthday.....

Quicksand

2008-04-08T23:28:00.004-04:00

14 hour days. That's what I'm running right now. Up at 5:30am, out at 6, on trains from 6:30 to 8:45, working till 4:30, on trains from 4:56 through 6:40pm if I'm lucky(7:40 if I'm not). I'm not looking for a pity party... I'm the idiot who decided to live in Philadelphia and work 20 min from NYC. However what this is, is an excuse. That until I adjust, the phrase "spotty at best" pretty much describes me. Words are a struggle, taking me 3 days to draft and write an e-mail to a friend(hope I didn't ramble too much). Work is slow, and luckily I won't have anything too intense for a while; planning for a program months away and unjamming a copier 23 times in one day isn't too mentally intensive. Basketball tonight was like a slow motion dance where my mind couldn't make my body catch up to the events happening around me.

I'd like to adjust soon, if that's alright with life, that is...

Stories, but no time

2008-04-02T00:16:00.003-04:00

So, while my life speeds along and I actually accumulate things that I can pretend are worth writing about... I tide you over with a philosophical cartoon, on the purpose of life. Coincidentally, or maybe not so, this has been a big concept on my mind right now, or at least one of two (the other being the oh so simple yet oh so complex question"Who am I?"). Enjoy!

Transcript:

We've got a system of schooling which gives a completely different impression. It's all graded, and what we do is we put the child into the corridor of this grade system, with a kind of "C'mon, kitty kitty kitty!". And you go to kindergarten, you know, and that's a great thing because when you finish that you get into 1st grade. And then, "C'mon, 1st grade leads to 2nd grade!" and so on. And then you get out of grade school and you go to high school and it's revving up, the thing is coming, then you're gonna go to college, and by jove, then you get into graduate school, and when you're through with graduate school you go out to join the world.

And then you get into some racket where you're selling insurance. And they've got that quota to make! And you gotta make that! And all the time, the "thing" is coming! It's coming! It's coming, that great "thing", the success you're working for. And then when you wake up one day, about 40 years old, you say, "My God, I've arrived. I'm there." And you don't feel very different from what you always felt. And there's a slight let-down because you feel there's a hoax.

And there WAS a hoax. A dreadful hoax. They made you miss everything… by expectation. Look at the people who live to retire, who put those savings away. And then when they're 65, they don't have any energy left, they're more or less impotent, and they go and rot in a . . . "Senior Citizens Community".

Because we've simply cheated ourselves the whole way down the line. We thought of life by analogy with a journey, with a pilgrimage, which had a serious purpose at the end, the thing was to get to that end, "success" or whatever it is or maybe heaven, after you're dead. But we missed the point the whole way along. It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing, or to dance, while the music was being played.

Nights like these

2008-03-31T05:54:00.004-04:00

What does one do, when the words won't come, the spirit won't rest, and the body won't sleep?

Looks like for me, it's having an open blog window sitting on my desktop all night long, pace mentally and physically, and I don't.

Happy Monday.

I love Germans... and other various happenings

2008-03-22T03:28:00.004-04:00

It's 3:30am and in the past week I've had enough meat and beer to kill a small elephant. Seriously, I'm not trying to stereotype an entire culture, but the 5 Germans that I've spent time with this past week really do live on beer, bread, meat, and cheese. Like, woah. Just this weekend, we've gone through almost 7 or 8 pounds of London Broil steak, and 4 cases of beer(not counting what we had out at bars). If you're thinking, "wow, that sounds really excessive" you're right. It is excessive, but lucky for my body 2 have left already, 2 leave tomorrow, and that leaves only one German here until the middle of April.

Besides the 'blitzkreig' on my digestive system, it's been such a blast having them here. M has been home on spring break, Surfer just got back from a stay in costa rica(for surfing), and since almost all the Germans have been friends of GC's he's been around all the time too. The cool thing about that, is that all 4 of us took an extensive amount of German in high school (personally, German 1,2,3,4,and AP, as well as a 201 and 301 in college, while both M, Surfer, and GC have spent a minimum of 6 months in Germany at one time or another in addition to the classes in school) So we'll be sitting around talking, or huddling by a bonfire to keep warm(like tonight) and spend 70% of the conversation all speaking in German. I've used my German more in the last two weeks then I have in the last two years combined and the improvement I can hear in myself is quite refreshing. I know that I've lost sooooo much having not spoken it often, but it's also coming back much quicker than I expected.

In other, non-German related news... the Intranet I have been developing since November finally went live on Thursday!!! It's still a bit sparse and a little rough, but it's up for testing and the scores of suggestions that I hope to get for content. It wasn't without it's glitches though. So, one of the things my boss's boss (the one who assigned me this project) wanted was a way for the counselors to all communicate with each other and have an interactive calendar for events they want to let other counselors know about. So I did my research and found an module for the PHPBB2.0.23 bulletin board/forum program. Great, it does everything we wanted and we couldn't ask for more. Well, I get the message Thursday freaking morning, that the servers we're hosting the Intranet on, are not allowed to have the language PHP installed on them. That forum, is made entirely in PHP. About 20 minutes later, I have a 4 page sheet on my desk outlining all the languages and programs that are either preferred, accepted, or denied. Would this not have been helpful for me to have oh... say... back in NOVEMBER!!!! I told boss's boss that he can forget about his counselor communication method for the foreseeable future until I find something else that will work. Luckily for me, he's also a geek like myself and knew exactly how stupid it was for them to refuse to install PHP and didn't blame me for it in any way.

After work on Thurs my boss, MJ, and I all went out for a few drinks to celebrate MJ's birthday. It was a lot of fun even just the 3 of us. We all get along really well, both in a professional and personal environment. I'm sure though, that we looked like quite the odd gathering, a man almost in his 50's with kids starting college, a woman in her 30's with a guide dog, and a 24 year old just getting started. Personally, I think my boss just wanted to hear stories of MJ and I when we were in college so he had an idea what his daughters were actually doing while they were away at school, especially since I've spent weekends parting at the school his eldest now goes to.

Saturday(technically today), I'm taking my mother to see a play of Macbeth staring Patrick Stewart(Captain Jean Luc Piccard/ Professor X) in Brooklyn. It will be my second time going and I'm so very excited.... again. The first time was utterly amazing, and I look forward to any more nuisances that I can pick up on this time around.

Sunday we'll undoubted do our traditional hunt for plastic, money filled easter eggs. We've done it every year as long as I can remember, and I still find it amazing that my father can hide those eggs in the same room for 10 years and my brother and I still usually have trouble finding the last few. After dinner then I head back to Philly, just about for good. I've got monthly train passes for April from Philly, basketball and indoor soccer leagues(kickball was canceled much to my dismay) start in just under 3 weeks, and I'd like to actually spend some time living in my apartment and city. Wednesday E and I are headed to a 76ers game and at some point the last German and GC are coming in to hang out and see the bars... I mean... sights :-)

A Night To Remember...

2008-03-16T05:12:00.003-04:00

Tonight, I learned a lot of things. I learned that there's a reason that I'm not someone who can just talk to people at bars and walk home with numbers... or more. That's just not me, and that's alright. Tonight, I finally became ok with that. 97% of the female population at bars, really just aren't my type of person. And that's alright. I don't know if anyone knows how good it finally feels for me to feel that way.

I learned that there's a reason that I learned German in school. I spent the night talking half in German and half in English and found myself very comfortable in both. That means a lot to me. It means that the 7 years that I spent studying it in school weren't for nothing. That there are over 100 million more people in the world that I can communicate with in addition to those who speak English, and that's absolutely awesome.

I learned that the first and only individuals who were female whom I talked with at a bar and actually hung out with after the bar closed, were German. That just trying to speak their language was so much more than the average person and that made a difference. I was encouraged to speak as much German as I could, even as broken and random as it was. Anything was so much better than nothing.

I learned that I was a good kisser. Yes, that's all that happened and frankly, that's all that was appropriate to happen. I'm not your average guy who brings people home to whatever, that's unquestionably not me. Maybe it's the most superficial of the things that I learned, but it makes a difference to me. It's one thing to think that I'm good, but it's quite another to be told quite certainly that (at least according to her opinion) I certainly am, and that one day "I will have a lucky girlfriend who will enjoy my kissing good". I think that made me feel the best about myself that I've felt in a long time.

I was told that one day I'm going to find a good girl, someone who will appreciate how nice I am and that it will mean a lot for her to be with me. Now, anyone who knows me, knows that this is my deepest wish. If I want nothing else in this world, that's what I want. Someone who's with me for me, and truly loves me, and my optimism and sensitive completes our relationship. Someone who I can build a friendship, and relationship, and life with; someone with whom I can share an unconditional love that transcends any obstacle. Call me a hopeless romantic, I don't care. That's what I want and I won't settle for anything less.

I realized tonight that I've still been on the path of finding myself since I've been un-engaged. Yes, for those of you who didn't know, I was engaged for almost 2 years and I've been spending the last 2 years dealing with that relationship and finding myself. I've been learning and growing for a while now, but can't remember a jump in understanding like this ever before. I'm so glad that we went to Fedo tonight and met everyone we met. The were like emissary's to me and there wasn't a more perfect time for them to fall into my life.

I learned, that for as much as an optimist in though that I am, I now know that everything is going to work out for the best. I feel completely reassured that I will find "her" whomever or wherever she may be. I feel a weight off of my spirit and I'm can't wait to let it soar and find what it may.... I don't care how cliche it sounds, sometimes we just feel something that can't be explained in any other way than using one, and oh well. I'm closer to being at peace than I have in a long long time....

The shadows fade into the light
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me
All I was meant to be?
What if our love
Never went away...

Daughtry"What About Now"

Are pictures worth a thousand words?

2008-03-12T20:34:00.002-04:00

Here’s how it works:

1. Go to www.photobucket.com
2. Type in your answer to the question in the “search” box
3. Use only the first page
4. Copy the html and paste for the answer. (For Wordpress [not sure about other hosts] you’ll have to click on the Code tab and paste, not Visual.)

****

1. What is your relationship status?

2. Who is your celebrity crush?

3. Who is your favorite band?

4. What is your favorite movie?

5. What kind of pet do you have?

6. Where do you live?

7. Where do you work?

8. What do you look like?

9. What do you want most in life?

10. What do you drive?

11. What is your favorite tv show?

12. Describe yourself:

13. What is your name?

14. What’s your favorite candy?

Smooth Move (this is a stolen title)

2008-03-10T21:25:00.005-04:00

So the title of this post is stolen. I stole it. I did that because it fits so absolutely perfectly to the ending of my day at work I couldn't not steal it. I'll take this moment to beg the writer's forgiveness for taking the title and even link back to her post just like if I were citing a source in a paper I was writing. Now, with that taken care of...

So today at work, the main event of the day, was moving the contents of my cubicle across the office to the my new cubicle. I think I like the new one much better than the old one I had. First, it's bigger... and when it comes to cubicle space, bigger is most definitely better. Second, it's part of a office wide reorganization to group units together, so now instead of getting 20 phone calls from a team member, she is within talking distance of me so she can just ask me whatever she needs. The second part of this second reason is now that I'm over so close to her, chances are I'll be getting a large, black, four-legged visitor walking over to my cubicle to say hello to me multiple times a day. I love my job :-)

So, I move all the big boxes of hanging file folders and desk organizers and miscellaneous Battlestar Galactica merchandise I've brought in to the new spot with no problems. I go back to bring boxes of paper that I use to print up copies of my report and I don't know if I was just tired and forgot to loosen my pants, or if they were defective to begin with, or what, but I kneel down and as I pick up the first case of paper, I hear a gigantic rip. As loud and as comical sounding a rip as you'd hear in any half hour sitcom on television. I almost thought it was fake, until I felt a draft...

Yes, that's right, it doesn't just happen on tv and in the movies, I split the ass seam of my pants right down the middle. I wasn't quite sure what to do that moment, since I still had the box of paper in my arms, so I looked out both directions of the cubicle, and then just walked over when no one was coming. No one had needle and thread for me to attempt some sort of re-seaming by hand on it (yes, I sew) nor saftey pins, so from 2pm until I left the office today, I had the arms of my jacket tied around my waist, coving the foot long hole exposing my boxers to my colleagues.

I was actually much less embarrassed than I would have though that I'd be in that situation, probably as a result of reading the original "smooth move" and remembering my own advice. Yeah, it felt a little awkward walking around making sure my coat was tied around my waist, but other than that... I think more people were confused by the amused smile I had on my face than anything else. So yes, that was my "smooth move" today and why I had to absolutely steal that title for this post. And just to prove it to anyone who thinks I'm telling a tall tale:

Rock around the clock...

2008-03-10T06:30:00.004-04:00

Sun 10am: Wake up in Chicago to spend the last time of day with Actress before Surfer and I head back east.

Sun 12pm: We put in Office Space to watch for the first time. I thought it was ok, but thought the plot was super weak and couldn't relate at all. I actually love my job and love working in cubicles more than I ever expected to!

Sun 3pm: Get to airport and bid Chicago farewell.

Sun 4:30pm: Run into same Relationship Girl from Philly that we met on the flight here (what are the odds we all picked the same flights). If I didn't explain this before, I'll clarify later.

Sun 8pm: Back in Philly safely, got Surfer's luggage, and took taxi back to my apartment

Sun 9pm: I get the key that E left for me after he finished installing our new door, that actually closes and locks now! It'll be nice to feel safe in my own apartment again. Took out the garbage and showed Surfer my finally repaired car which he was mighty impressed with

Sun 10:30pm: Spend time at Surfer's house talking with his parents and helping him pack for Costa Rica which he was leaving for tomorrow

Sun 11:30pm: Finally decide that I'm going to drive Surfer and his friends to the airport in GW's truck once he gets back from NYC but after we drop Surfer's sister's car off to get fixed.

Monday 12:30am: Drop Surfer's sister's car off to get fixed. Narrowly avoid 3rd major accident by not getting hit by idiot who decided to run the red light when I was making a left turn on green. Unanimous decision to officially name my car "Lazarus" or "Laz" for short as a result of it's death and resurrection experiences. Finally, after 133,476 miles my car has an official name. I'm happy.

Mon 1am: Go over to GW's apartment to pick up his truck. Hang out with a random German and GW's little sis for a while.

Mon 1:30am: Back to Surfer's house where he makes pancakes for us to eat cause we didn't get dinner really and were still kinda hungry from the day's events. Realize at this point there will be no sleep tonight.

Mon 2:30am: Leave Surfer's house all packed, get gas for GW's truck, a Red Bull (the big 12oz) for me, and go to his friend's house to pick everyone else up.

Mon 3:45am: Pick the 4 of them up, load 11 surf boards and 5 bags into the bed of GW's truck and head to Newark Airport

Mon 4:45am: Get to Newark, drop Surfer and friends off safely and I head back to GW's with his truck since he needs it for work at 6:30am

Mon 6am: Drop keys and a $20 off at GW's place. The genius he is locked the front door, so I had to break into the back sliding door to leave the keys and money inside.

Mon 6:30am Get back to my parents house to change, get what I need for work, and write this post, because blogging is starting to become a minor obsession... and I like it.

PRESENT TIME: Finishing this post, making lunch, and getting ready to go to the train

For those of you keeping score, that's correct, I will have gotten exactly 0 hours sleep for work today! Luckily my main task for today is moving the contents of my cubicle across the office to be closer to the rest of my Executive Services Unit people. This means that I will now have a large black lab randomly wandering over into my cubicle during the day to say hi when he feels like it.... and that's made of awesomeness. I'd like to take this moment to once again thank my father's genetic history that allows me to do these crazy things to help out my friends. I'm really really glad that it's something I'm capable of doing.

And now, I'm off to work! Have a good day everyone!!!

Pre, during, and post weekend updates.

2008-03-09T03:29:00.003-04:00

My day started at 5am today… after going to sleep at 2am (my own damn fault, but the pilot episode of New Amsterdam showed real promise for the rest of the series). I power-walked it all the way to the train station from my apartment (which is not easy to do that early in the morning) and made it on the train with 2 minutes to spare. For the first 5 station stops I think I seriously just contemplated what was going on in my head when I decided to move to Philadelphia. If E had said Hoboken, well now, that would have made an infinite amount more sense for me… but he didn’t, and I’m in Philly.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen when it’s Actress, E and I starting in August. If the 3 bedroom units aren’t available at the complex we’re at now, my time in Philly may be drastically shortened simply due to the cost of commuting to Newark. If I didn’t mention yet, that’s the plan starting in August. Actress is moving from Chicago to Philly to live with E and I which I think I’m excited about. At the very least it means that Surfer will be around more since they’ve got a ‘thing’ going on, and it’d be cool to have him around more. I love her to death and she’s one of my best friends, but if there’s one thing the apartment won’t be anymore, it is quiet :-P I don’t mind saying it here, cause it’s something I’ve said to her before, and she knows well. I try not to say anything I wouldn’t say to that person directly. Unless it’s one of those “I like you but I don’t know/doubt that you like me” situations… but that’s understandable.

The sun didn’t come up until I was already in Trenton, or get through the morning fog until I got to Newark. The ride from Trenton to Newark was a load of fun though. Two women and 4 little girls were all taking a trip to NYC, and the one woman was as talkative to strangers as my father is. So we chatted the entire ride. I explained to her how the trains work (they were from Delaware), talked about jobs, kids, teaching, and the progression from childhood through adolescence. It was exactly the positive experience in the morning that made up for having the off-peak train ticket, when I thought I had the peak ticket, which forced me to give the conductor my last dollar bill, and fish out 5 quarters, 4 dimes, and 2 nickels to complete the rest of my fare. I think he thought I was being an ass by giving him change, but that was seriously the only money I had with me… today’s pay day thankfully.

Tonight I leave for Chicago for Actress’s birthday! No, if you’re wondering, I really didn’t have the money to afford this plane ticket but fortunately and unfortunately it was bought before I realized the predicament that I was in. I’ll be paying for nothing but train tickets, gasoline, and bills for the next two months at least. Oh well, on the positive side, maybe they’ll be a financial incentive to start working out more and eating a bit less to get in ‘summer shape’ a little earlier this year. I’m starting to feel optimistic about even that. My car is finally back, fully repaired and running flawlessly so I can go rock climbing again and E and I are going to be joining a city indoor soccer and kickball (yes, an adult kickball league) starting the end of this month. I’ve missed organized sports.

Somehow that last paragraph went from Chicago to kickball… anyway.

Post Script:

I’m fully convinced that the copier on the second floor, not only has a personality of it’s own, it spites me for coming down only to print out more copies of my report, and is developing the means with which to strike back at me. I think it might be Skynet… details to follow if today isn’t Judgment Day.

Post Post Script (on Sunday at 3:31AM) Everything written above was from work on Friday when I was actually being productive in the office as well as writing a blog. I can't do much else when the copier is churning out 50 more coppies of my report... Apparently other people in the office liked it so much when the walked by my cubicle and saw it that they wanted some to give out to the trainings and things they're hosing in the coming weeks. That's on top of the 150 we're sending to every NJ state senator, state assemblyman, and county freeholder.

Right now I'm in Chicago and it's been overall a good time. Yes, I had the tendency to get in my usual overanalyzing mood, but other than that it's all good. After our plane got delayed 5 hours and we finally got to Chicago, we went to sleep. Saturday we went to the top of the Sears Tower, out to Giordano's for stuffed pizza for lunch, dropped Actress's sister off at the bus station to head back to school, then went out to dinner at a place aptly named "Stuff Yer Face", and then finished the night out at the Chicago Brauhaus which was the most kick ass bar I've ever been to. Nothing but true German beers on the menu, polka music (or polka renditions of familiar songs), and lots of musicians and waitresses and friends who spoke German! It felt really good to use it again... and to drink liter glasses of "ausgezeichnete Deutsches Bier"!!! *roughly translated, "awesome German beer" Now, it's time to sleep, because once again I decided to travel on the weekend where Daylight Savings Time changes (I think this is like 3 out of the last 4 times, no joke) and then we're cooking breakfast in the morning! Plane leaves for home at 4:25pm on Sunday and then work on Monday!

Adventures in time travel...

2008-03-02T04:54:00.001-05:00

Dear Zeke,
Hi. This is your future self, about 10 years from now. I just wanted to write to you and tell you that there's no need to worry. In the future, you've got all the answers to all the questions you're asking yourself, you're fit and in the shape you want to be, and are comfortable with where you are in life. You're married to a great girl, having a grand old time watching your daughter grow up (who's now entering kindergarten by the way), and just started finishing the basement of the house you bought a few years back. All your close friends from high school are well within driving distance and you still get together regularly with them.

Sound too good to be true? Ding ding ding... Zeke, tell yourself what you've won!! Well, for one, reassurance that your sarcastic wit is as sharp as ever, that's for sure. Alright, sorry... I had to pull that prank on you because you know that's exactly what you wanted to hear, and you'd never actually believe it if it were told to you. Sure, some of it's accurate, but I'll leave that up to you to figure out which part.

Anyway, on to the point of this letter, since it really wasn't that easy to send back in time to you. I think Wil WheatonQ sums it up best when he said, "Your 20s are about gathering information and experience, and your 30s are about putting it to use." I know it's hard, and confusing, and most days you don't really know what you want or where you're going, but just keep on pushing through it. As ‘glass half full’ as this sounds, it really will pay off for you later, in that “it’s about the journey not the destination” kind of way.

You're going to spend countless hours driving aimlessly trying to make sense of things you can't even put a name to. You'll find scores of introspective songs to pass the miles to while you're trying to let your mind straighten itself out. Even if it doesn't seem like it's really helping then, it does. Don't underestimate the benefit of walking away and taking that personal time, it'll be the greatest help to your sanity besides maybe DS. Yes, you're still close friends with her, and the stuff you've been through together makes these current issues you're in the middle of look like the minor annoyance having to stop for gas when you’re already late to work.

I know that right now, you don’t have a clue about what type of girl you’re looking for and that it’s really bothering you. The confusion of not knowing what the hell you want and overanalyzing why you do or don’t want a particular quality is rather frustrating. Trust me, I know… I’ve been there. Unfortunately though, I don’t have a silver bullet for you on this. It’s not enough to tell you all the qualities of the woman I married, or rather, you will marry, because you’d just look at the list I give you and start overanalyzing it. But, I guess that’s about the only advice I can give you. Make a list. List what you like in your female friends, list what attracts you physically or mentally to someone, write about it; the process of working through it will be infinitely more valuable to you than just getting handed the answer, and infinitely quicker than betting on random chance that you’ll just happen to find her. Just know that you will find her. Maybe not in the way you expected, or where you expected, but she’s out there.

For a long while, longer than you’re comfortable with, your budget is going to be tight. That’s what happens when 20-somethings are starting out, and you’re not immune to that either. As tight as it may be though, keep finding ways to travel and make those random trips. Go to Chicago, Portland, and Los Angeles. Make those random, “Are you insane?” trips out to visit people you’ve never met in person before, or to see old friends for their birthday. Those will be memories and experiences that will go a long way in shaping who you become. You will meet some amazing people that you never expected to change your life, and others who you expected to, but ultimately left you unfulfilled. It’s alright, at the very least they’ll all make great characters in your future books.

So this is my, “Your 20’s really aren’t so bad… seriously” pep talk, because I know that’s exactly what you’ve been needing to hear right now. The reassurance that you will figure it all out, you will overcome these obstacles and you won’t completely f*** up your life. In a way, that’s probably all that anyone really wants. To be reassured that the path they’re on is the right one, or at least, just not the wrong one. You’ll figure out some of your problems, you’ll realize some aren’t as important as you thought, you’ll find new problems to over think and obsess over, but in the end you’ll still get up each morning and go to sleep each night.

Now go heed my advice, be reassured about life, and don’t make me have to write another one of these. It wasn’t easy or cheap re-wiring my quantum computer to send this back in time.

Me

Portland, a pictorial summary of my trip...

2008-03-01T02:51:00.001-05:00

Playing a bit of catch up

2008-02-26T01:01:00.002-05:00

So, I'm back in my apartment for the majority of this week... which I significantly hope is a sign of things to come. I've been saying for weeks that next week I'm going to get my car back... and that next week hasn't come yet. First it's the headlights that don't come in on time, then it's a broke attachment on the rear bumper that hasn't come in, and last weekend my father decided to get the flu while nature simultaneously opened up 6-8 inches of snow on us. I know it's out of my control, but c'mon... pretty please..... I want my car back!!! /rant

It's nice to be in my apartment, as opposed to being at my parents place and paying rent on an apartment I'm not living in. I've missed my city. Though, since I had to take the train to get here there are a score of things that I forgot to bring, a bunch of fresh cold cuts for sandwiches (to save money on lunches... that plan is going well), bills that need paying, some of my guitar music and also pictures from my trip to Portland that I've promised to some of you. Well, I'll be going home to babysit on Wednesday so I'll be sure to bring them back or take care of that post that night. I feel like I've got a hundred things to write about but no time to write about them in. I guess that's a good thing considering the sparcity of the recent weeks. Oh well, when my life gets back in order (stop laughing... that loudly) then maybe I'll get back to posting regularly. However, I will say that for those few of you who read/care (and that I'm aware of) I have been trying to comment on your posts that so that you don't take it personally that I dropped off the face of the planet... cause I didn't ;-P

So what's the point of turning 24...

2008-02-13T01:40:00.003-05:00

Sure, aging is inevitable, but seriously... 24? I actually Googled that question and do you know what I found out?? A whole lot of nothing, which obviously didn't help me one bit. It's one of those ages that just feels weird. It has no special significance attached to it. It's not old by any stretch of the imagination, but it's also not quite "frat house" young. It's just there... staring back at you just being like, "yep, here I am". Well, regardless, at 2:08pm today I'm one more year older.

So, how do I intend to spend my day you wonder? Well, besides starting now with this post, I'm going to go back to sleep for a few hours to wake up at 6am EST to catch the 6:30 train into Penn Station, and then transfer to another rail line to get to one of The Agency's training facilities where I'll be from 9-4 under going intense blindness immersion training. Yep, today and tomorrow I get to spend under blindfolds basically, learning traveling and life skills as if I were blind. Then back on the train to get back to my parents house around 6:30pm, cutting together video footage from this past summer's program for a presentation to the State Council on Friday, and then sleep. Now, this is what I have planned, there's every chance that some random other things will occur, like my family's traditional Carvel birthday ice cream cake, a few presents, and possibly a drink out if the weather's good, but we'll see. With the mood that permeated the house this evening(I can't wait to be back at my apartment), it might just be early to bed.... who knows.

Birthday wishes have already started coming in from Facebook, the first three nicely enough are from people who actually care, rather than just the annual birthday post-ers. It's always interesting to see who logs on to Facebook tomorrow and sees my birthday and decides to pop out of the wood work and say something. I'm half afraid, half hopeful that Jenny might call. If she realizes she probably will, and then I'll have that to deal with, and probably quite the rant to post about.

In any case, it's 2am, and I have to be up in 4 hours so I'd better take my birthday nap while I still can...

My liver doesn't like my weekend activities...

2008-02-09T10:44:00.000-05:00

So my plan yesterday, was to come into Philly, make a quiet dinner, catch up on all of the wonderful Sci-fi show's that my DVR so graciously records for me, edit a blog post into a more refined form, and pack what I need for Portland next weekend. Yeah, not so much. I get in, and start my evening, but then E comes out of his room and mentions that he and a bunch of colleagues from work are going out for one of their birthday's and invites me along. There goes quiet night. E and I ordered food and then everyone come over to our place for a few drinks before we went out. We went to this local bar that's only a few block walk from our apartment (but then again most things are just a few blocks from my apartment) and met up with the birthday girl and a bunch of her friends from work. It wasn't nearly the fiasco that was last weekend, and thank goodness because two of those in that short of a time would probably have done me in. It was pretty much the ideal night out. A few drinks before, awesome place, good loud music though not too loud to talk, sports on the tv's, little bit of dancing, reasonable amount of money spent, and then good pizza back at the apartment to end the night. Did it end then, of course not... I was up till 5:30am talking on IM, and catching up on some of the show's that I planned on watching earlier in the evening. But the time I start having regular sleep habits, is well... let's just say probably a long time from now.

Anyway, now to continue the weekend. Packing everything I need and taking off from Philly within the hour, hanging out at home for a while, then out to another birthday party for a friend of mine who went to high school with me, but we only met Junior year in college. Funny world like that. I leave with a quote I just heard on one of the show's (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles) I watched and plan on pondering during the drive home:

"We can't predict the future, only try and prevent it."

Tonight is the night, of the night of......

2008-02-03T04:20:00.000-05:00

What a weekend, and it's only just begun. Let's just start with the fact that it's 4:21am my time and I'm up eating Grand's Oven Baked Biscut's and drinking tea because it's not quite safe to go to sleep yet... not because of how I feel, but because how of my best friend JP feels... *update, it's 4:49am and I just spent a half hour taking care of him in the bathroom. He's now comfortably sleeping on the bathroom floor*

Friday: We went out to New Hope. Awesome time, JP, Surfer and myself... the three amigos... (I just came up with that, it's late, shut up) went out for drinks to start the weekend of awesome. We went to Havana's, where we actually didn't see anyone we knew from high school, and just enjoyed the live music. Luckily for us, the band was actually pretty damn good that night. Craziness ensued... round after round of beer's ensued... and lots of great conversation on the presidential candidates policies about Immigration... no, I'm not joking. Randomly through the night, JP offered himself up to a random woman to dance, and we ended up spending the rest of the night dancing and talking and hanging out with their group as well. 4 of them and 3 of us made for one awesome group. We all danced... well, correction, JP and I danced while Surfer stayed with whomever was at the table and talked with them. Now, to better imagine this scene in your head, JP can dance, is pretty much the mac daddy of the group, and just all definitions of 'the man'... I on the other hand, while a good guy am not nearly as smooth as he is. So by saying dancing, it means he was dancing well, and I was getting points for effort just being out there. Long, self-deprecating story short, we had a blast, got their numbers and invited them to Memorial Day skydiving with us. I hope they come, it'd be an awesome time! We left the bar around 2am... maybe 1:30 ish but not before because we all had stuff to do in the morning. JP thought he was all set to drive home, until when we were walking back to his truck, he decided that it would be a good idea to do a pull up on the flagpole that one of the store's had up. Now, Surfer and I were waiting for the catastrophe that was about to happen, but JP was rather oblivious..... until the pole snapped down from the building's face and the end that used to be sticking up in the air was now being held up by the ground. At that point, we promptly continued walking while he gave me his key's to drive home. Smart plan.

Saturday: AL meeting in the morning... blah blah blah.... politics politics politics.... happy ending. JP picks me up from TCNJ to go back to my apt in Philly to start our crazy freaking Superbowl weekend. It's pretty much uneventful till the evening, we get food, hang out and talk with old friends, stop at the beer distributer to have some on hand for tomorrow, more friends come in, it's a grand old time. We head out to dinner, have dinner at what I believe is the same restaurant that Sly Stallone filmed Rocky's son watching the simulated Rocky/Dixon fight in.... (and that's just one of the big reasons I love Philly) and then all planned to go out for the night. We go to Fedo to start the night, and as much as E loves the place because it's somewhere he's been and likes making habits like that... the rest of us are kinda like, eh... music's not that great, atmosphere's not really that good, and drinks could be a bit better. *and then the clock struck 5:16am in real life, JP still passed out on the bathroom floor* So after we decide to go, E leaves J and I in charge of finding the next awesome place. And since, by his own description, J is a fabulously flamboyant homosexual, we decide that a gay bar is the best place to go to. (Side note, I do consider my life now complete since I've went to a lesbian bar in NYC with Distracted Spunk and a gay bar in Philly with, well, a group of people) We start walking until all the street signs have rainbows underneath them (no joke) and turn down a side alley, barely big enough for a car to fit down and stop at a door that has a huge crowd around it and a large rainbow flag flying proud and high (this is no exaggeration). I'm mildly concerned but trust J enough that if he says this place is better, then it's gotta be better. We walk in, make our way through the throngs of men, to the stairs to the second floor, the dance floor. We enter the second floor and it's a scene out of a gay movie I've never seen but always imagined. It was a dancing sausage-fest that almost made me nervous at first, but for whatever reason (I'm guessing the alcohol already in my system) I was alright enough to give it a shot. E got us all really really strong vodka/red bull's and that was it. J was quite right, despite my melancholy mood of the evening (due in part to DS's woe's of life and love) the music was better, the drinks were stronger/better, and the music was also worth listening/dancing to! J came over and said to me, "There's just something liberating about being at a gay bar that you can't find at any other bar." and quite frankly, he's right. It's not like I was looking for someone... but maybe it was just that we were all looking for ourselves there that made the atmosphere what it was. Anyway, as the night went, JP disappeared, E and his lady friend kissed for the first time, though under significantly dubious circumstances, J enjoyed the fact we were all on his territory and enjoying ourselves, and I was spending the bulk of my time txting DS, enjoying the music, and trying to analyze the atmosphere. The night ended roughly. JP's coat disappeared only to be found on another individual... and being in the current significantly inebriated state he was in (and currently still is, 5:37am) he had to be taken outside while I negotiated with the bouncers on his behalf, ultimately ending in his coat being returned and him walking away cursing off the bar staff who wouldn't deal with his belligerent behind. Me, JP and L walked home, stopped to oogle at the beauty of Independence hall, run in front of traffic, piss behind a dumpster, for JP to profess his undying love to L for finding such an article of sentimental value as his coat was, and then finally, finally to make it back to my apartment. At that point we stayed up and talked about all the different things that alcohol loosens our tongue's about. L and E went to sleep, I stayed up taking care of JP until this very minute still.

Sure, there's more I could go into... E and his lady friend's woe's tonight, E's profession of extreme thanks and commitment to our best friendship, JP's helping poor Michael bail his cousin out of jail, L and how good it was to have her with us, and I haven't even though about the plethora of emotions and feelings that passed through me all night - up to and through now... but I'll deal with me another time. I wish, I could write, that at 5:49am I'm going to sleep, but I'm actually not... I'll be up at least another hour to make sure JP is alright, as warm and as comfortable as he can be on the bathroom floor. This is why I was made to deal without sleep when necessary, right?

A memory stirs...

2008-01-31T00:21:00.000-05:00

Growing up, I was never really that confident, self assured kid that could say what he wanted or had friends who followed him around. My defining characteristic growing up was an unreasonably fierce loyalty to my friends in the face of anything, and I mean... anything. From walking a mile on a sprained ankle because friends wanted me to go get breakfast with them, to getting chased by police, or having another group of older, bigger, kids come try to bully us off the basketball court behind the township little league fields. 3 of us, 20 of them, and there was no hesitation on my part, if J said we were staying then we were staying. When they came on the court to try to stop us from playing and J said keep playing, I kept playing. It wasn't that I was just a blind follower of anyone but that for whatever reason, whatever charisma that J had 10 years old 'hooked me' so to speak and I'd go wherever, do whatever he'd ask.

We were playing basketball back behind the little league fields in the city I grew up in. J, R, E, and myself if I remember correctly. This court, this set of little league fields, snack bar, etc. were ours. All our fathers' were coaches, on the Exec board, coaches on the All-Star team that we were all on, had keys to the whole place.... it was ours. We were about 10-11 years old at that time. There was a private school across the way for more middle school aged kids and that particular day, they came over and decided they wanted the court. There were about 15-20 of them in total compared to the 4 of us and they decided they wanted the whole court and we had to leave. At this juncture, R decided the best choice was to actually vacate the court and go sit on the swings, which was a move significantly indicative of his character. J on the other hand, was pretty much telling them to f* off with me standing to his right unwavering in support, and E slightly further off to the left slightly, but still with us. More words might have been exchanged at this point, but ultimately it was decided that they could pick any 3 of their group to play us for the court. If we won, the court stayed ours and if they won we left the court to them.

The exact details have long since faded, but basically we played a half court game, to like 5 or 7 baskets, with the rest of them looking on/cheering for them, and R all the way across the field swinging by himself. J being captain of the All-Star team pulled E and I in at the top of the key, spoke a few short abrupt inspirational sentences probably something along the lines of: this is our court and we're not going to let them take it now let's go f*ing kick their asses. The game commenced, three 10 year olds against three bigger 13 year olds.... it was a veritable playground David versus Goliath.

Who knows who scored first, or how physical the game was or wasn't. It was essentially a street ball game so there were undoubtedly pushes and elbows and multiple time hitting the ground. This much, I do remember. J was always a smaller faster kid and this helped him get around the kids they picked to play with little difficulty. E was average sized for our age and as such he got in a few shots here and there but was largely shutdown. Me, being taller than average, did have a few inches on my opponent, which helped make the difference but I remember him being a much heavier individual than I was so he had the body weight advantage. It was close through the first 3-5 points, back and forth with no clear leader. A shot came off the rim right between my bigger opponent and I. As it happened we both grabbed it at the same time, and that's when things got interesting. He was bigger, probably a bit stronger, but I remember hearing J start yelling at me to get that f*ing ball and don't let go. That pretty much settled that, because what I didn't have in brute strength or size, I more than could make up for in drive, in 'heart' as they call it. I remember thinking at the time, that no matter what happened or how much I got hurt or anything, I was not letting go of that ball and was getting it for J. It never got violent but all his friends started yelling, and J and kept yelling and we must have pulled each other all over the court for at least a minute or two with neither grip loosening. I could hardly feel my arms or abs at that point because of how unwaveringly I set them around that ball. After it was clear neither of us were giving it up and everyone else got bored of watching us go at it, it was decided that we'd have a jump ball between him and I to determine who got it. I remember, even as we were told it was ok to let go, that I had to have the ball and yanked it out of his hands at the end to give over for the jump. As I tried to straighten myself up I felt how tight my abs were, and saw him wince the same way. I remember thinking at the time that he was in the same shape I was in, so despite how I felt, now was when I could take the advantage to beat him. One of his group who wasn't playing came in to throw the ball for the jump. And jump I did. I still remember the searing pain that shot across my midsection as I jumped and stretched up to win the jump and hit it over to J. That was the turning point in the game. My opponent was exhausted from the battle we just had, and J was still able to consistently beat his off the dribble and between J and I, they didn't score again and we won. Some of their numbers had dwindled already as it was, but at that time the rest of them started turning tail and slowly walking back to their school. I think I remember J taunting them on their walk of shame, offering to play them again and asking them where they were going, but none took the bait. It felt good, really good winning that game and watching them all walk away, but better than that, was the look J gave me when we all congratulated each other on the win. I think, on some level, he must have known that I stayed and played as hard as I did just because he said that we were staying. But none of that was necessary, none of that was thought, nothing was said... it was a much simpler celebration. We were challenged, we fought back, we kicked ass, and that put us on the top of the world, plain and simple.

Ahhh, to be 10...

Choir concerts and missing the dead....

2008-01-16T23:56:00.000-05:00

I missed my grandfather today, more than I have in a long time. This would be my father's father who lived in Florida until the time of his death. He came up to visit in when I was in high school, his next to last time up I believe. At the time I was either with K or on my way to being with her and we wanted to go do something with my grandfather. We decided since he said he liked music to take him to the all-eastern concert that was going on that weekend. We all piled in K's father's van and went to the show. It was one of the only things that I can remember that grandpa and I ever really did together and it was awesome. He loved the concert, and just couldn't get over how young the student's were and how good they sounded. My father said that he talked about going to that concert for months after. I purchased a CD of it and sent it to him, which he greatly enjoyed.

The point of this story, I guess, is that I went to another choir concert today and for one reason or another, I was struck with a feeling that grandpa would really have liked the concert and I wish he were there with me to see it. Don't know why it hit like it does, I guess with feelings like that we never do really know. I've been to plenty of other concerts since he died and none of them gave me that feeling... but I keep just going to back to the fact, that he'd have loved that concert.

E was glad that I came to see him conduct again. I've been to see almost every concert of his since he he was my student teacher. That's 7-8 years. I've seen his worst choirs, and his best choirs, bad and good song selections, the works. I may not quite comprehend why my coming every time means so much to him, but I can see it in his face every time he turns around and I'm there. There's so much more than just a simple "thank you, glad you came", it's much deeper than that, and it's a great feeling for me, even if I may not get it. He and his wife just had a baby girl, she's so freaking cute. I'm gonna give him a call in a few weeks and hopefully be able to get together for once outside of me showing up at all of his concerts.

And, I have to remember to write Tiny Dancer's letter tomorrow, I wouldn't want to let her down...

Nothing special...

2008-01-15T22:59:00.000-05:00

That last post kinda wore me out. It's like tangle of razor wire just fell on me and now I have to straighten it out without getting massacred in the process. I didn't plan on now being the time I opened all that stuff up, but I guess it's easier to start now than let a few more years add to it? I'll work on convincing myself of that at least. I'll do my best not to let this turn into an outlet for shitty, "I wish you loved me" spoo. So, a topic change.

My father is an interesting character. For all of his life that I can remember, he's stayed up late, done things on the level of guys 20 years his junior, and just always been young in heart and action. Now, he's 59 and I understand that perhaps he can't do that forever, but I find it interesting that only in the last 3 months has he realized this. It was like he did anything until he approached 60 and somehow that clicked something inside of him where it was like, "hey, I can't do this anymore" when in point of fact, he's no different from when he was 58 and doing everything. Personally, I hope I'm not in store for that. With how different he and I are I don't think so... I have every intention of skydiving from now until I'm 80 and then some. At some point I'm sure I'll have to slow down, but I'd like to do it gradually rather than just hit a point where I decide "I'm old" and must grind to a crawl. Though, I've got a few more years of some more important things to concern myself with before I have to decide how I'm going to be when I'm old... er...:-p

What dreams may come....

2008-01-14T02:16:00.000-05:00

My head sinks into her pillow as the rest of my body relaxes with it. Eyes closed, every muscle limp, the pounding of my heartbeats coming back under control. Propped up on one elbow, she looks down at me, smiling, clearly pleased with herself. "Can I do anything else for you?" she asks coyly. I chuckle and sigh, keeping my eyes closed, gathering back my energy after the fourth time she had made me orgasm that night. "No, I think I'm good, thanks. You've seen well to that." She giggles and replies with a confident, "Good."

I held her in my arms as she slept. The movie she so emphatically wanted me to see with her couldn't hold her sway against the exhaustion of the day. I stroked her hair, straightening it's brunette lengths across my arm. As Robin Williams desperately searched the depths of hell for his wife, I had eyes for nothing but her. She looked so pensive as she slept... I wondered what it was that pervaded her dreams onto her face.

She takes her left hand and starts to run it over me, first across my shoulders and chest, until she works her way up to my face. My eyes opened now, I stare across the room as silence continues to blanket us. Her fingers trace from one jaw line to the other, work their way up around my brow, and down my nose, over my eyes, across my lips.

Half trying to soothe her worries away, half knowing I'd never want to forget this moment, I took my fingertips and began to lightly trace, lightly caress her face. Coming down from her brow, turning my hand to run the softer backs of my fingers down her cheek and jaw, turning back to my fingertips to trace her lips.

She continued this for minutes. Starting over again or circling back once she had completed mapping my face with her fingers. I spoke no words; she probably felt my jaw tense up. "What's wrong?" she with a look of confused concern. "It's nothing" I said, lying.

I went more slowly over her lips each time I passed over them. On some level, I knew I'd never be this close to her again. I traced every part of her face, consciously trying to not miss a single detail. I wanted to remember every line, every curve, the smooth warmth of every facet of her face. Like a topographer copying the world he knows onto paper, I copied every inch of her into my memory, my eyes never leaving her countenance. She woke with the credits scrolling up the television screen. As she sat up, my hand caressed her face one last time, brushing back a lock of hair that had fallen across her face.

"I know you better than that." she said, seeing past my lie and trying to get me to open up. To lost to bring myself out of the 8 year old memory that held onto me. A quiet voice in the back of my head whispered, that I was once her. Young, innocent, lost in absolutely everything about my first love. That I too traced the face of the one I love and how much you, now, bears a striking resemblance to me, then. But that whisper never left my thoughts as I looked up at her. "I'm fine, it's nothing" I lied again. "Ok, fine. Don't tell me" she conceded, "You just look so pensive all of a sudden, that's all."

I replied to her with silence.

Oh what a night...

2008-01-12T02:45:00.000-05:00

My AIM away message reads:

"The arduous process of writing a letter of recommendation."

My away time is listed at: 8hours and 47minutes

Yes, that's the kind of night I had... except for the time between 10pm and 11pm... that was Stargate Atlantis.

But now, it's 3:30am and I have to take a sledgehammer to delicately pound on my car tomorrow and get it ready for new bumpers so I can drive it again.

Yes, the Acura Legend is/was a nice car, though, I imagine with 20yr/200k it's, oh... how shall we say it... seen better days? Acutally, a 1998 Acura 3.2CL was pretty much my 'dream car' for quite a little while. Needless to say though, I've gotten rather attached to my 01 Accord coupe. Here's to it's 3rd life!

Real post or two tomorrow, but at the moment, I'm mildly delusional :-D

Twice in one day... a record

2008-01-06T22:08:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. I saw the pig fly in the backyard. So, updates of sorts. Car search still sucks. I've fully expanded into looking for not only Honda Accord Coupes, but also Acura CL's. Maybe that's not all that much of a full expansion considering the multitude of other makes and models out there, but it's huge for me. Once I find something I like I stick vehemently by it, living or mechanical. My father's calling about one CL tomorrow, and I'm probably going to look at one by the Agency. So yeah, of my initial list, there are 4 more Accords and 4 CL's to look at. I'm sure I'll find something.

Tiny Dancer is back again after successfully coming out of surgery. We've expanded communication lines to txt as well so we'll see how that goes. I'm glad she's alright. I'd have really not been cool if something happened before I really got to know her. Anyway, writing letters and txting are two things I don't do enough of anyway *hah* so the more the merrier! She brings up a good point with relationships (in the conversation we're in the middle of right now) that she and her friend are on the same level. She's so right, having two people be on the same level, the same page is the key to any relationship really working out for the best. So often it's when there's an imbalance that things go awry and people get hurt. Anyway, she's fun, and new, and different... and in those aspects, just I was looking for. It's still infinitely regrettable that GMDN was involved, but things don't always turn out quite as one plans them... just ask every other one of my past relationships.

Distracted Spunk is back safely and that's always good to know. I'm looking forward to my trip out there for sure. And OR, and NC, which, come to think of it, I'd better buy soon or else it's not gonna be that affordable. NC and OR right now, then CA x 2 for March/April. Now that I stop and think about it, I may have to postpone NC with all this car stuff. Either 1. I'm still going to be looking, or 2. I'm gonna just have it back and want to stay in Philly and not go flying all over the country just yet. We'll see.

So, this week up: five wonderful days working at the Agency, looking at 2-7 cars and hopefully buying one of them, court for the accident that totaled my car, trying desperately to spend time in Philly, and spending at least 3 hours on some kind of creative outlet or another. I'm going to try and set a goal a week, either photography, writing, musical composition, inventing... something with a creative twist to start making that a part of my regular life. I'll post updates of what comes, or doesn't come of it. For my own records, as much as for at least the one person who I know reads this...

Weekend Assignment #197: Missing Words

2008-01-06T14:58:00.000-05:00

So, one of my favorite author's, whom I've met, John Scalzi, on one of his blogs had a weekend writing series called Weekend Assignments. I didn't realize that he had this until he stopped doing it and posted about closing it. Another reader of his has taken up the colors of this endeavor, so these will pop up here every now and then.

Weekend Assignment #197: Now that the WGA strike has had lots of time to affect the prime time television schedules, how is it affecting you as a viewer? What show do you miss most, aside from reruns?

Extra Credit: how are you spending the time instead?

Assignment Answer: Luckilly for me, there aren't that many things that I watched regularly on network television that I'm missing all that much. Honestly a lot of my DVR is filled with more unscripted shows or reruns, Sunrise Earth, Star Trek Voyager, Deep Space 9, stuff like that. Some of the show's that I do watch occasionally though have been affected, Pushing Daisies, 24, Bones, Prison Break, and Bionic Woman. These shows, while I usually record/watch them, I live without them quite easilly. The Sara Connor Chronicles, Stargate Atlantis and Battlestar Galactica, three shows of which I am immensely invested in, all worked it out so that what they planned to show will happen regardless of this WGA situation. So, since 2 of my favorites, and 1 expected favorite aren't affected, I guess it'd probably be Prison Break or Bones that I really miss the most.
Extra Credit Answer: At my parents house, looking for a freaking car. I'd much much rather be watching tv...

I hate posts like this...

2008-01-04T21:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder about this world. I wonder why everyone needs to be first, or act like they're doing "what has to be done" when in point of fact it's just making what could be a good situation awkward and tense and someplace I don't want to be. I have a habit of thinking about the worst possible outcome of pretty much every situation just so that when it happens, I either can say that I expected it or be pleasantly surprised by it. I'm not looking forward to car shopping tomorrow, and might only mildly be more happy about it if I actually get one, because frankly, the stress and uncomfortableness isn't worth it.

I think dread can be one of the worst emotions out there, even worse than the ones simultaneously felt and experienced. Bad is bad, uncomfortable sucks, but dread, is all of them irrationally rolled into one oppressive ball felt at a time that might otherwise be entirely free from stress, strain, or problem. It eats you faster and more thoroughly than guilt when there's nothing but smiles and sunshine around you.

This is why I can't wait to completely move out and have everything that I have to do and deal with be reliant upon only me. These nights of apprehension, days of anxiety about what the people who are so closely associated with me are going to do and reflect upon me. I can't hide in the shadows enough to completely avoid getting lumped together with attitudes and actions I despise. Hopefully soon, once there's nothing left to transfer to me, and all life responsibility is finally my own, these feelings can join depressing blog posts like these and stay buried in the archives of the past.

No, I'm not doing a reflective post on the recently passed year...

2008-01-03T01:30:00.000-05:00

I want a car. I want to take a nice, long, leisurely drive over to Lake Erie or somewhere really far away just to get back out on the open road. I definitely wouldn't say it's anything other than just wanting to drive again, but I'm keeping an eye on it. That's kinda how it started last time... maybe I should take some D.

In other news, I think the reason I don't know who/what type of girl I want, is because I'm not quite yet set in who I am. Like I'm not set physically who I am, mentally, certainly spiritually, perhaps some emotionally, etc... I'm still wandering this world trying to figure it all out. I spent 6 years with someone else there, and now looking back I don't know if that helped or hindered me getting to where I am right now. Either way, I'm not positive it helped, and I sure don't feel like having anything hinder me, so there.

Rose and I went to go see I Am Legend tonight. Will Smith is the freaking man. He climbed to the top of the world and is now just sitting on it, enjoying the view. The movie really is only starring him... and some special effects. It's bleak, it's dark, it's plausible, it's a picture of who I'd hope to be in that situation, but then again, there goes my hero worship. Oh... still haven't had a full post about that... well, maybe coming up soon. Anyway, now it's time to read the book.

I sent Tiny Dancer a letter the other day. Took the time while waiting for people to proofread my work at the Agency to design my own return address label. I like it a lot actually, more than I thought I would. It's a picture of me sitting on the edge of a cliff, with the sky and a deadly drop that I'm way to close to in the background. Just the way I like it. If you ask nicely I'll even send you a letter with that label on it. I'm kinda interested to see what she thought of the contents. I wrote it at work, and included a poem that I had published back in college. I'm sure she liked just getting the mail, but I'm also interested in her response to the content. I haven't talked to her in like 3-4 days.. probably the longest since we've started talking.

Tomorrow is dinner with Distracted Spunk and about 40 other people. Well, not 40, but a lot. Meeting up in the city and then going from there. I'm looking forward to it. It'll probably be one of if not the last time I see her before she goes and flies back to the wrong coast. Not cool. But of the 10 states I'll be visiting this year, her's is one of them so it's alright, sorta. I laughed out loud the other day, when she asked me to make sure she doesn't stay in the state she's in. I told her I'd promise to kidnap her if she ever decided to settle permanently. I'd probably do it too if she ever did really move out there. There are some friends who can move away and stay, but she's not one of them and neither is Actress which is why I'm so freaking excited that she and I and BigE might be all roommates in a sweet 3-bedroom setup next August. That would set me for the next 5+ years and move me much more permanently to Philly than I am right now, and I think I'd really like that. It really surprises me more and more each day just how much I miss not living in that city and being stuck at home till I get a car again. And now that this post has come full circle.... Bed.

Thinking backwards...

2007-12-30T01:52:00.000-05:00

I had two different discussions today about the past. Normally, sure things would come up since pretty much everything we do has some root in the past, and with old friends, well, we'll be laughing about some of things we've done for many more years to come. But these conversations, were actually about the same thing even though neither person knew the other was talking about it to me. Both individuals, were longing to go back to a "simpler time" when they were more carefree, could see that what the had then was what they wanted now, and the more they tried to get that now, the further lost they ended up.

Distracted Spunk was first on the night. She was watching old home videos, and seeing how happy, carefree, really just how simple everything seemed back then and how much she desired that simplicity now compared to the chaos she's been enduring. Similarly, my first real relationship (and many other firsts) Village Cheerleader expressed the same sentiment to me about how when we first began our relationship life seemed so much simpler, between her and I as well as life in general then. She just wanted to go back to that and stop dealing with all of the ridiculousness that has occupied her life since we broke up back then. Was everything really so much simpler then? What would life even be like if we could somehow revert to that simpler state of being? In 5 years, 10 years... will we just look back again and see this time and comment on how silly we were and things were simple now too? Distracted Spunk posed just that question in a way, "Do we know too much, or expect too much?" Could we realistically function in the world we're all living in now if we were able to revert back to as naive as we were then?

Now, call me skeptical but I kinda think we're not that naive any more for a reason. Sure, for some of us it might have been the choice to do things we thought were grown up and cool and what we should be doing, way before we were ready for it. I consider myself not all that naive of a person and can say that I've been thankful for that on more times than I've cursed it. It's allowed me to answer questions for people without them having to get their hands dirty on something or someone that any of us non naive can see is a mistake. I've helped more than one friend avoid or get rid of a person or situation that would have been detrimental to them as a person, and for that my lack of naiveness is all the more valuable to me. Yes, I'm sure it's jaded me, and made some acts of just living more difficult than others, but in the end, I wouldn't have been able to make the choices I needed to make if I were as green as a cucumber. No matter where I stand on religion/faith/spirituality, I refuse for a second to believe that what we've learned in life and what we know can be wrong. Whether it's 2+3=5 or getting an STD because you slept with a stranger because you felt in the mood and got an STD, it's there, it's a knowledge you now have and can do something with. Wishing you didn't have it won't do you or anyone else around you any good. Some people had the good fortune in life to go through it more naively than others, envying them won't get you a hair's width closer to being as naive as them. We're in the world we're in, with the information we possess, heading on whatever path life takes us for a reason.

So no, as much as those "simpler" times seemed nicer, maybe even were nicer, I'm not going to waste a moment of my life dwelling on how much I miss them. The best, most positive way I see at the moment to go through life, is to take whatever information you have and accept it, learn from it, experiment with it, understand it, and then use it in the best way you can for yourself and those around you. It most likely will not be easy, will not be fun, but living your life as it is in the present, instead of longing for what was in the past, will be the legacy in 10 years, you wish you had done from this day forward.

Ever try to get a retiree to work ahead of schedule...

2007-12-28T22:34:00.000-05:00

And because I could not make such a herculean feat happen, I now have to work on Monday. How awesome is that. Is the entire report now done and together? Yes. Could this report have been together last week? Also, yes. However, because these freaking parts too so damn long, it might be late.... again. I look forward to eventually having the seniority to make people jump when I ask for things. Now, I'll be the first to admit it, I'm totally chock full of that young employee eagerness. I want it done, and have motivation to get it done because I haven't been jaded by who knows what. Seriously though, would it have killed him to humor me? I wrote what had to be written in about an hour. Anyway, it's ok... because I love The Agency.

I'll finally get to spend a night at my apartment since the accident. I'm headed back tonight to help pick up a friend from the airport and since it's closer to my apt then back home, it didn't take much to convince them to stay with me. Honestly, when I first moved in I was just kinda like, sure... why not, it helps out BigE, it'd be nice to have somewhere to retreat to, maybe even I could have a weekend place I could write poetry or a novel from in a city. It's turned into a most refreshing feeling of having my own, laid back, relaxed place from which to start my own life. If I'm up writing a blog post through 5am, so be it. If I want tea and to leave it out, or make pancakes, or do whatever there's no more comments to deal with, and if someone happens to make one, frakk 'em, it's my apartment.

So, Tiny Dancer sent me a letter today, just like she promised she would. It was very stream of consciousness, which she warned me about, but it was good. It's nice to see someone else's mind jump around and how it does to make me feel a bit less concerned about my own (in)sanity. No revelations really, but it was nice. I can't recall the last time I'd gotten a letter. Sure a card or two with a personal message inside, but that's different than a snail mail letter. About the only thing that could top that is if it would have been handwritten. I'm even more of a sucker for something that personal. I intended on writing back to her tonight, but the plane flight didn't get in until 2am, then we had to finish watching Downfall, and then it was after 4am. I'll write her tomorrow. My friend and I have a nice long day with nothing to do so it'll give time to chill, and just hang.

New layout now, new year around the corner

2007-12-27T02:52:00.000-05:00

So, I probably should have been doing graphic editing work for The Agency these last 2-3 hours, but I decided that I was just gonna change layout's around and such. Yeah, I'm smart. I've spent a lot of time with some of my best friends this past week. I managed again, to get my dose of large, loud, family holiday goodness since I don't get it from mine. Two of my bests (I have a bunch) and I have been going through the Bourne trilogy... a feat we will complete on this coming Friday night.l I'll be seeing Distracted Spunk hopefully tomorrow, since I haven't seen her yet over this break, and then having a sleepover on the 29th with most of my bests in anticipation of New Years festivities.

For anyone keeping records, this Christmas will be dubbed "The Practical Christmas", work clothes, work tools, sewing kit, candy, gift cards, money. I'm cool with that.... must be getting old.

I'm in the process of ordering supplies for my desk at the Agency. Apparently it's sure enough now that I'm staying that they're letting me take all sorts of supplies from the closet and place a requisition for the things they don't have. It's crazy looking through a catalog like that for myself and settling in how I want my desk and drawer files arranged. I'm starting my career... and I like that a lot. I've said/felt all along that I didn't really just want another job, I wanted a career. I have every intention of staying with The Agency for the next 25+ years. I'll have fantastic benefits, a surprisingly flexible schedule, virtually no work taken home that I don't want taken home, weekends totally free, a good commute, and I get to work with good people performing very rewarding services. It's the job of a lifetime and I'm very lucky to have found it.

I'm starting a list of my plans for the coming year, so that next year I can see what I anticipated and what I got... In no particular order,
Getting a new (used) car
Traveling to NC, NY, VA, WV, ME, OR, CA twice, and hopefully Canada,
To continue writing A Life Worth Living...
Exploring Philadelphia
Becoming a permanent employee of The Agency
Feeling good about my level of physical health, appearance, and long term well being
Finally writing a part or whole of a book
Developing my ideas for a comic book series
Composing some seriously awesome BSG inspired music, and an 'orriginal' Christmas album
Learning to play the djembe and guitar better
Growing a bonsai tree

and maybe... just maybe, finding a girlfriend.... wherever she might be hiding.

What a frakking week...

2007-12-24T01:07:00.000-05:00

This week started and ended on the two of some of the worst two freaking notes that I could pretty much have. Or maybe, just two of the biggest inconveniences. Or maybe not even that, and I'm just a materialistic frakking American. I don't know. I mean, signed on to write this post about how two of the worst things possible happened to me but I can't figure out why I'm still alright and not as phased as I feel that maybe I should be. As my fingers start to flow over the keyboard, and my mind fuels their direction, I find that I'm not really writing what I expected to be writing. So, the facts of the matter, are that on last Saturday my car was totaled, and this Saturday my $500 phone was somehow crushed in a car door. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a person who thinks things are just simply expendable, and have the ability to throw money at the problem like whatever, but I don't feel nearly as upset about those things as I feel like I should be... like I was last year this time.

Last year this time, I was just about to break through and start to come out of my full on depression. I had watched 87 episodes of Inu Yasha and scores of other movies and tv shows online, closed, in my room avoiding the world. I spent till all hours of the night perfecting my first report for The Agency, back when they still had me on a long leash working from home. Looking back I was so closed to the world that I wouldn't even want my windows opened in my room. Yeah, it was more than just the first accident with my car, it was that "post-college graduate funk" that we all go through, it was the complete withdrawal from anything IV at all, and of course my seasonal affective disorder. I was a mess... in the lowest point that I've been to thus far in life.

Now, they're just things. The car can be replaced, shit like that happens, it wasn't my fault and it'll all be alright. I'll get a car that I like, or I'll get some other good fortune out of it, like taking transplanting the old dark interior into my new car with a light interior with Surfer Boy. We'll spend the weekend, bond, have a good time, and I'll learn a hell of a lot more about my car. Is it an inconvenience now, yeah, but there's really nothing permanently detrimental in any way happening. The train takes me to work, my parents help out cause they're awesome, and I get to re-appreciate the value of just having a car. The phone can be replaced, it's just a phone, there are over 2 billion of them out there. Yes, it sucks it was my money I just cracked, and that I have to endure whatever reaction I'm gonna get from dad, but I screwed it up and nothing's really gonna change that. So I suck it up, deal with it, and move on.

There are so many worse things that could have happened. Deaths, personal injuries, global incidents.... Seriously, something like a Christmas bombing in Jerusalem would be loads worse than my personal auto or shitty phone. My aunt has been through an unbelievable road of some really rough shit in the past five years. These things of mine don't even play into any of it. They're so far removed from being anything remotely important it's absurd. Maybe I'm just in a better place this time, maybe this is part of my transition to a more adult thought process, maybe I'm starting to accurately assess the value in the different things in my life..... but whatever it is, I think it's definitely a step in the right direction, to a better me.

The blind leading the sighted...

2007-12-20T22:19:00.000-05:00

Today was one of those days, that 2 years ago I would never have though possible. Not because it wasn't possible, but just because I'd had a cumulative total of "zero" experience with it. So I was at The Agency at work, like I am every day, and my boss was out so it was just me and MJ. Around leaving time, she asked if I wanted to figure out how to take the subway back to the train station. Now let's pause a moment. I'm you're normal, average, wearing glasses but see 20/20 like most people. MJ on the other hand, has a seeing eye dog. I know she can tell light/dark and some shades, but beyond that I'm not all too sure. And yes, she's going to teach me how to use the subway. I have no idea where the subway is and I'm not really a subway traveler except when I'm in DC or Chicago... even NYC until just very recently.

Working daily with MJ inspires me by itself, let alone the times like these that just become overwhelming in their own way. She's amazing too, in that she seemed to think nothing of it. That she was just showing a colleague another mode of transportation for them when the weather's bad or something. It went just like that... I met her at closing time and we walked out of the building. Took the elevator down to the lobby and then I basically just told her to lead the way, and lead she did. She turned right and led us out the other door than the one we usually take when we just walk through the city to the trains. Down the street, through two lights, made a left, walked down to the middle of the block and turned right into the stairway down to the subway entrance that I didn't even see from the road until we were almost on top of it. She took me right down the steps, showed me where the tickets were and how to use the system because it was different from the normal train tickets. Knew which stop to get off at and how to get up to the main level of the train station. All this, with virtually an insignificant amount of functional vision. These are the kinds of things she does every day.... and every day she's extraordinary.

Under the weather...

2007-12-19T22:57:00.000-05:00

Ick. That's about how I feel. It's definitely not a full on flu thing, but man, it's just one nagging, "I feel shitty" feeling. Soup and tea for lunch and dinner, that's how I'm rollin'.

So, now that I've got my id and passkey for The Agency it was really awesome to see some of my fellow employee's be happy for me that I'm now "one of them". Usually I tend to enjoy keeping an unique (Ok, so I'm sidetracked in the middle of this sentence. Grammatically, we would use the word "an" in front of any word beginning with a vowel, an egg, an apple, an igloo, an understanding, etc. and the word "a" in front of words beginning with a consonant, a cat, a dog, a perfect, a zoo, etc... Now, I don't recall ever reading about any exceptions to that rule, though I admit that if any language will have an exception to it's established rules it's English, but that sentence confuses me!! It sounds right using "a" with either a long or short vowel sound... but no matter how many times I repeat it, "an unique" just doesn't quite cut it. Is it me? Am I sicker than I though and when I feel better I'm gonna read this and realize that "an" does sound right? Wow, anyway...)

What I was starting to say before my grammatical ADD kicked in, was that it was nice to have those employee's who've been at The Agency for a long time, accept me into the fold so that I can start my career with them. It's heartening, exciting, and just flipping cool.

Another one bites the dust....

2007-12-18T20:04:00.000-05:00

So, after over 133k miles my car might just finally have to be retired for good. I was in a pointless 4 car pile up in Cherry Hill on Saturday evening. I'm fine, everyone involved was actually, but I'm 95% sure the car's gonna be totaled, and that's the end of it. No last minute pardons this time and that upsets me. I'm attached to that car. Not nearly as much as I was the first time, but I like it. I'm pretty set now on getting the same model used again... with the possible exception of a 98-01 Acura 3.2CL. That was the first car I really really wanted. The one my student council adviser had, before his girlfriend bought him whatever ridiculous car she bought him. Whatever. The sooner I get this figured out the better. It bugs me to have an apartment I'm paying for and not living in.

I got my ID and rfid badge to get into all the doors at The Agency today. It's one little exciting step at a time. Though, I don't see there being many more before the permanent job offer has to come. 2-4 more months hopefully. With how long I've stuck it out so far, that seems like just a few days....

I met and hung out with John Scalzi, which is probably one of the highlights of this year. It's amazing to meet, let along hang out with someone who is a celebrity of sorts in you head. He's a science fiction author of high regard for good reason. He's been blogging since before the word existed for it. I went to a meeting of the Science Fiction Society of Philadelphia where he was the guest speaker. We talked about his books to come, things that helped or didn't help writing specific characters, when he'd be back in the area, and funny stories that happened in life. He's a great, down to earth guy.

So, I met a new person the other day, which was cool timing to my post. GMDN sent me it a few weeks back with a promise of keeping in touch better. Yeah, that never happened. Shocking. Anyway, it's as fun and awkward and uncertain as I hoped it would be. I like it. If there's one thing I have to give her though, it's that she knew that this new person, Tiny Dancer, and I would hit it right off with the vast amount of things that we have in common. I don't know, I'm just trying not to over analyze any of this, because right now that would be the simplest thing in the world for me to do, especially with the outlet I have here.

DS and I have been on all hours of the night recently. These are the times I wish I were there or she were here because it's so much easier to give/get support when best friends aren't 2,878 miles from town to town away. Long story made painfully short, a potential love interest was taken over by aliens and trashed 9 months of relationship building in one week. Think Animorphs or Dark Skies, that kind of taken over and abrupt change in personality. She deserves a fantastic guy, and she experienced that for a brief while, but as has become all to common, each and every one has crashed and burned on the "staying fantastic" part. Sometimes I feel like my reassurances that she'll find someone who will last sound empty to her, but they're the farthest thing from it. They're more full and hopeful than my own feelings that I'll find someone one day.....

My first little sister popped back into my world yesterday which was awesome! It's always cool to see how we manage to just play catch up and then jump back into knowing each other like life never made us too busy. She's still happy and going strong.

And that rocks.

Lacking witty title...

2007-12-14T00:21:00.000-05:00

I need new. It doesn't matter who, or what, or where, just new. I thought I might be able to start that tonight, but it seems like that's not going to happen. I'm just too unsure of what all's going on with her, and she's just too close still with others.... I wish, but no. I gave up today and talked to the friend of GMDN. I figure if I'm gonna throw my world upside down like I want to, then all preconceptions have to go out the window, even dealing with GMDN. I don't even give a shit if anything goes anywhere, I just want to meet new girls. People I have no history with, no preconceptions, no knowledge of, no idea where they're from, going, or how we'll get along. I'm clearly not getting anywhere where I am now.... so it's not like I could be any worse off.

My six guys and I...

2007-12-10T00:39:00.000-05:00

So, during the winter season, I work at a Christmas Tree farm, which I'm going to abbreviate CTF (despite how much that makes me think of 24). I love it. In fact, I love it so much , I'm debating about offering to assist during the 'off season' to learn how to run, take care of a farm because I think I want one myself one day. In another 10 years or so, I'd love to get a house, 10-15 acres and have the farm take up 10 or so. Today, in particular, was a fantastic day at the CTF. Not because of good weather, or phenomenal tips, but because we all got along so well and were so happy and having so much fun together. We laughed and joked and had a grand time the entire day. That's where the title of this post came from. We decided we're making a mini series that'll start on the Lifetime channel, and then on the sequels we'll make it bigger, onto HBO or something like that. It's gonna be like a kind of Brady Bunch Christmas Tree Farm. Such a great time... it made working there pass so quickly. I never really realized it before, but I'm the oldest one there. By 7 years. When they were born, I was in the middle of first/second grade. It kinda too me aback in all honesty. We all got along so well and had so much fun, it was nice to just joke around like a kid, more innocently again. Hah. "like a kid" I'm even talking like I'm an old man now. I wish we had a bit more time than just these three weekends, two of which have vanished already. I don't think it'd ever be the same if we met outside of it. Then the difference would be so much more evident. Why is a college grad hanging out with my child who's in high school, curfew's, parents giving rides, appearances, and etc... Maybe that's it. Maybe what I enjoy the most, as much as it's them, their personalities, our interactions, it's the fact that we can do so with out all of the differences/questions. That bubble of a little world on that wonderful 10 acre farm lets us fall back to a simpler time where everyone's actions weren't called into question first. Where you had to do something wrong before someone thought you were going to do something wrong.

Ok, enough of that. I rambled on for about 15 minutes to Distracted Spunk today. I'm glad she's one of my best friends. It makes it so much easier for me to talk about anything and just vent when necessary. I'm definitely in that stage in life where I'm moving forward but don't have a clue to what. Some days I don't even feel like I can see the road underneath each passing footstep. I can't imagine being 30, having worked for 8 years, and not feel any closer to having a direction/path in life. I can't imagine what clock's are ticking or voices are second guessing inside of one's head. I can't even feign confidence for a solid month at a time, I can't imagine near a decade.

I think this anonymity that I have here is good to develop the consistency of writing here on a regular basis, however, I can feel myself outgrowing it. There's something inside that wants people to be able to come and know who I am and read about my life knowing me. To put thoughts and feelings and stories and hyperboles associated with who I am. To blur the line between fact and fiction because I can, but also to just be able to write it all. I desire immortality. And since it's clear I'm not going to conquer any new worlds or be any kind of super hero.... an author, might be the best piece of ambrosia I've had with me all along...

For the picture of the day, I was behind this vehicle on the way home, and it was just too freaking cool to pass up:

Too tired to write in depth, but in line with yesterday...

2007-12-08T23:49:00.000-05:00

I had to post this utterly disheartening news. If there's one thing that can be said for this, you really get to see both sides. These are cut and paste the words of both parties involved with the WGA/AMPTP negotiations. I think it's a great side by side rundown of the current states of minds of both of the parties involved in these negotiations. I think writer J. Michael Straczynski says it best:

I wish it could've come at a different time, but everyone wishes that whenever
it does come. But this...this was inevitable.

Support the writers, buy a box of pencils, call or write to the media companies, as fans together, whether it's Battlestar Galactica, Lost, Smallville, The Office, The Daily Show, or whatever program you enjoy watching, let's all put the pressure in the right places to end this.

My world, in a bit more than 60 seconds

2007-12-07T23:44:00.001-05:00

Maybe it's ingenuitive or maybe it's lazy. Probably, it's a nice awkward combo of both, but this post is going to be the 'headlines' that make my life on a daily basis.

First up, Writers Guild of America strike:

To put it succinctly, it sucks. Not just the strike itself, but the lack of progress and generally distrustful atmosphere that has been permeating the negotiations. Now, I'll admit right from the get go, that I'm partial to the WGA. I generally believe the word of the writers over the word of the studios participating in the talks. As much as it's bias, it may also have slightly to do with the fact that there is always more than one source backing up what the WGA says, and only the AMPTP backing up what the AMPTP says. Posts like this and this concern me to absolutely no end. I'm not only concerned about not getting to see the end of BSG, but there's talk of not just the spring line up getting tabled, but the fall one now too. If this keeps up like it seems like it's going to, I'm gonna get my chance to march with them.... which will simultaneously be a privileged and saddening day.

DMCA and general Digital Rights Management:

It seems like just when it's forgotten for a little while, it comes right back, slightly more prevalent than before. First, go click through this presentation. This spells it out more clearly than I've ever heard it done before. Now, personally I'm much more a 'letter of the law' kind of person because getting into the 'spirit of the law' is much to subjective to be effective. However, when the letter of the law is designed to keep bad people out and you're not one of the bad people, it can be more than a little unreasonable. The above presentation I actually got from two entirely different sources today, which is why it's at the forefront of my mind. The second source has another link to more specifically DRM with music. And then there's also this stupidity, which I literally found just seconds ago. Maybe if you're not a big computer geek you don't care, but well, I am, and I do.

American politics:

It's unnervingly frightening to feel a bit apprehensive about posting this, but I'm going to for discussion anyway, as any free, democratic, patriotic, citizen is allowed to do in this country. This one is also a fun read too, right from the quill of the president himself. I don't know where we're going as a country or how it's going to make as abrupt an about-face as it needs to in the time it needs to.

I listened to Christian music for the first time since the program this summer today. It was only for a handful of minutes, but it was noteworthy enough to mention. I'm sure there are topics I'm forgetting, but these 3 are mostly what goes through a large part of my mind daily.

Baby steps...

2007-12-07T01:03:00.000-05:00

That's what it's felt like I've been taking for the last 2 days. Nothing coming anything remotely close to quickly, just one baby step after another. On the bright side though, it's been baby steps forward at least. I just got more time and projects at the Agency, I can finally drive myself to public transportation in the mornings instead of having to be driven, and it looks like my financial situation might just clear up sooner rather than later. It'll still be rough each month, but at least it looks like there's a good chance of making it now. And should a full time job roll my way, there's gonna be a party that night and drinks are on me...

I copied wedding videos off the tapes and on to my hard drive today, only missing one cassette I think (I can picture it in my head on my 'desk' at the apt). While that was going, (and I was downloading fan produced episodes of Star Trek based series'), I finally got to organize all the random files I had laying around on my K:/ drive from various Linux installations in the past. I cleaned up about 20GB worth of garbage, and the other 34GB are all organized by type in nice, neat folders. I figure I'm about one or two more good hard drive cleanings away from finally having a unified My Documents, from the past 11 years. This excites me. Significantly.

I saw the saddest thing ever on the way into work today. I don't know why exactly it struck me as it did, but I couldn't get the image out of my head. I wanted to ask the guy why, but he was in his truck before I had a chance to talk with him. Maybe tomorrow if it's still there. Yes, of course I took a picture:

Working for the Agency, dinner with Rapunzel, and Tin Man

2007-12-04T22:14:00.000-05:00

So I've decided that this week I'll be wearing a different 'hat' each day. Sunday, I was a Christmas Tree farm worker, Monday I was a lazy bum, today (Tuesday) I was a photographer, Wednesday I'll be a web page designer, Thursday I'll be an office assistant, Friday I'll be graphic layout editor, and Saturday I think I'll go back to the beginning and be a Christmas Tree farm worker. Some day's I love the variety, and some days I simply abhor it. Today, I'm in the middle.

Playing photographer today was fun, I enjoyed that, to an extent. It's easy, and I see immediate results of my work which is always a nice thing. I can put down about a half days working hours too, which gods above know I desperately need the money from. I may have to drop more severe hints that I'm not going to be able to keep this temporary shit up for much longer... not that I know what/where else I'd do/go...

So, on a happy note for a change, it was so unbelievably fantastic to get to see Rapunzel after I don't know even how many months it's been. We talked and ate dinner at our special little Italian restaurant that we love so much and had a wonderful time as we have every time. Sometimes it boggles the mind to think just how long I've known her... over 6 years of history between us. I don't know where we'll end up, but if where we are now, is a result of where we've come from, I'm not all too concerned.

So, I've restrained from writing about the Sci Fi Channel's movie, Tin Man. I don't want to just say it sucked, however this is no glowing review either. It had its moments, and it certainly had it's ideas, but the acting except for a few sparks, and overall story was significantly uninspiring. There was enough difference that I could definitely take the 6 hours of my life I spent watching it and easily pretend it was a stand along mini-series that only remotely took some ideas from their childhood. At the very least, I hope that this has prompted someone to write something much more deserving of a Wizard of Oz sequel/spin off.

No, I'm not volunteering... I don't have the time... for the foreseeable future, that is...

No pictures tonight, I need to go to sleep, working at the Agency in the morning.

Sabbath, in the not so religous sense...

2007-12-03T22:17:00.000-05:00

I want to say today was nice. I want to say it was exactly what I needed. I want to say I feel like I'm firing on all cylinders again. But... those would all be inaccurate. I had to force myself to sleep in and still felt just as off as before. I don't think it's the vitamin D, that gives me a different feeling than this, and I got plenty on Saturday. Actually, I'm afraid it's my sleeping habits. Yes, I can function adequately on 4-5 hours of sleep an night, but I do believe that adequately isn't what I'm used to. Like Distracted Spunk I tend to operate on a plane above what is simply adequate and the reduced sleep may be behind the adequacy. So that was supposed to be the point of today's "sabbath", to take time off, sleep in, veg out, and refresh my batteries in a manner of speaking. Did it help, yes, just not to the extent that I would have liked it to.

So, here's something that's been troubling me. First, go off and read Phillybits for reference and then return here.

I read that, don't know where exactly I found it, I think off of a Digg link, and was immediately flooded with quite an array of emotions:

I was frustrated, because religion and politics should not converge, except when politics is required to to preserve every individual's right to believe in whatever they wish
I was angry, that in a political debate, a question that had so little to do with anything of political, policy, or international importance had time wasted on it
I was humbled, because 18 months ago I still would have thought that was an important question and would probably have based my vote on the candidates' answers
I was saddened, thinking just how many people will end up basing their votes on the answers that the candidates gave.
I was disappointed, to think that these are the criterion we have reverted back to using to elect our leaders
I was upset, to see how far we've deviated from the Founders original plan and destiny for this country which they gave themselves to found

But most of all, I was ashamed, in myself, that for all I tout myself for being American and proudly supporting the democracy the Founders established, I wouldn't have known my own constitution well enough to give that reply....

Rain rain.... give me a day off...

2007-12-02T23:55:00.000-05:00

I'm tired. Still. Still improper synapse firing. Still searching for everything. But, the Christmas tree in my apartment is decorated. Progress!!!

Ok, now for complete sentences. I made dinner tonight, a whole chicken baked in the oven and rice. I was tired of not having a real meal so damn it, I made one. It was so good there's only a bit or rice left over, that's it. Yes, BigE and I ate the whole bird. It was glorious. I've decided that carving a chicken properly is one of those life skills I need to learn before I have my own family. It's one thing to butcher it when it's just us guys eating, but it's another when it's half a presentation for a family too. I will add, that as much as I sucked at the whole carving thing, I did save the wishbone intact which is drying on top of my stove as we speak :-)

So here's a question: How much does one spend on a blind gamble, that's most likely a once in a lifetime experience, especially when that person's just scraping by on bills as it is? Right now, I'm between $500 and $3,000. Yeah, it's worth 3-grand to me... if it were guaranteed I wouldn't hesitate, but it's not... and I'm not positive how I'd feel if I dropped that much and didn't get it, or rather, wasn't even close. I imagine my competition isn't that severe... Neilsen ratings estimate a 2 million viewer pool not counting other countries; figure half are fans enough to keep up with information online; at least half actively searching for information and participating in blogs/fan clubs/forums, which brings us down to 500k people; from here it's subjective guessing how many people have the money for this, are willing to spend said money, both have the money and willingness to spend it, and are fans of that character enough to spend it on seeing them, and of course any other variables I've forgotten. So approximately I'd be competing against 1-100,000 people? Give or take a few thousand? Maybe 1-50k? I really don't have a clue, but now isn't a time to underestimate. I need to find the deadline for this.

And apply for a passport... just in case.

"You say you want to talk about a better world, but you've closed that beautiful door"

Artist: Billy Bob Thornton (yes, the actor)
Album: Beautiful Door (2007)

Christmas trees and family meals...

2007-12-02T01:09:00.000-05:00

Well, here's to day two of commitment to write. I can't guarantee the quality of this post. Hell, it took me 3 minutes to just spell guarantee correctly. Today was a good day. After about 15 minutes in the sun at the Christmas Tree Farm I couldn't stop smiling about how nice it was to be out and in the sun. The level of depression that hits me in the winter is near frightening, or rather, debilitating. I think the Vitamin D supplements will work, there's no reason to think that they won't... but if they ever stop, I may have to relocate to somewhere or figure out some way to be in the sun daily.

After work was dinner with the Ohana at P.F.Chang's. It was without a doubt a very family-feeling dinner. I think, if I didn't have my family of friends from HS I would probably have been in even closer with them. It was nice to see everyone and hang out, whether it was during dinner or after playing 'adult' hidden pictures in the bar we went to after dinner.

I would love to have stayed and played longer, but I needed to get back to the apt to shower and set up our tree, and most importantly get off the road before I got too tired to be on it. I've got a number of ideas and things I want to write about, most of which I'm sure I'll get to eventually, but not tonight. I couldn't even focus and find the words I wanted in a txt message to Distracted Spunk. I literally stared at the screen on my phone and still haven't figured it out. I needs some catch up sleep. Happy December, it's now officially the Christmas season.

Catching up

2007-12-01T02:48:00.000-05:00

So, I may have failed at the NaNoWriMo thing, but I kinda expected that. As punishment, or rather, perhaps motivation, I'm going to attempt to write here every time I sit in front of a computer. Whether it's 3pm or 3am I need to get this going. I've had 3 or 4 ideas on things to write but haven't been somewhere that I could write them down. It's like the ideas wait until the most inopportune moment they could possible hit and choose that one. Oh well.

I'm at the apartment, having just finished my nightly doses of tea, scrabble, and taking with my Distracted Spunk. I'm taking her idea and giving everyone witty names, it's the easiest option I think. Then I can talk about everyone and feel at least a bit less like I'm censoring my writing. It's funny, I think that the Writers Guild strike has actually put me in more of a mood to write. Maybe because they can't/shouldn't, or maybe it's simple idol worship in that I want to be like them. I'd like to create a series and characters that people can make a part of their lives someday. Until then, I'll support the ones who are doing that with every dollar that I don't have...

Pencils2MediaMoguls just upped the ante to try to get more supporters. For fans of Smallville and Battlestar Galactica a few of the actors have expressed a willingness to reward fans with a phone call, personalized memorabilia, or more. Aaron Douglas has even offered to take his biggest pencil donater out to a hockey game, provided they can make it up to Vancouver. I'll admit, I'm wildly tempted to buy a thousand boxes right now. No lie. 12,000 pencils. I'm beyond not able to spend that kind of money, but it helps the cause and to hang out with the Chief.... it'd be worth the years of debt I might incur from that. And then to go to Bear's soundtrack concert and be able to go up to him like a friend, cause we'd have gone to a hockey game before... yeah, woah. A good idea may be to find out when said contest ends.

I'm also going to add a picture with every post. All will be ones I've personally taken/edited unless otherwise noted. It's about time I start getting my proverbial "shit" together and accomplishing something in addition to working 4 part time jobs and hanging out with friends. I've got video's to edit, websites to make, Christmas presents to make, furniture to make, ships in bottles to make, and I'm sure about 7 other things. Ready. Set. Go.

Ahh a lack of motivation, with a side of revelation...

2007-10-08T14:34:00.000-04:00

So, I've got my own place, a comfortable general life situation, no real worries to concern myself with... so why do I also have such a lack of motivation. What's the old saying, "Success breeds complacency but complacency breeds failure." I guess I'm in the process of that one first hand. Luckily though, I still have time to make it not apply to my situation. Finding the motivation to do the work that I have though is going to have to become a priority for me. I know I work well under deadlines, that wonderful productive pressure of writing papers or finishing the project, but how to get done what needs to be done just because it needs to. I have process the pictures, I have to make the dvd's, I have to clean and make my room here an actual room, and no amount of sitting around writing about it is going to get it done. Maybe this is a good thing though. If I can use this as an exercise in self-exploration to actually figure out what gets me motivated it could be the key to the lifestyle I truly desire.

I hate how I sound when I write thoughts/feelings sometimes... it's like everything every creative writing teacher ever told you not to do, is how it just comes out sometimes. Though I imagine it's like that for most people, to use a pottery analogy, we all spit out the same shitty lump of clay but it's just a matter of how we sculpt what we've got to work with.... Anyway,

...I could logically tie this back to not really knowing who I am. Always defining myself by those around my rather than what I'm supposed to. What am I even supposed to define myself by? When I such a diverse group of people around me, from agnostic to fundamentalist, ignorant to tolerant, every spectrum of color and walk of life... how do I use that as a basis for a definition? Can't. Do I define myself by a God or religion, maybe. I'll put that in the possible category. Do I use the sum of my experiences, my past to tell me how to run my present and what to expect from my future. If I do that I'd never know who I am till I look at who I was. That's a no. Could I do that whole introspective look in yourself to find yourself circular reasoning? Sounds like a never ending roller coaster, but maybe. But maybe that's it in a way, I've gotta know who I am to know how to make myself work on my own, how to motivate myself. Most of the things I do, in fact, now that I think about it, near all of them are done because someone else either asks me to, or needs me to and I don't have an objection to them. Climbing, dvd's, pictures, moving, work, you name it... it's not because it's something I actively pursued and desired/wanted myself, it's because someone else did and I didn't have an objection offering my services for the ride. When was the last time I really desired something, went after it, and got it? I don't even know? That realization takes the wind out of me like a sucker punch.

The Great Maker is right with his four questions: 1. Who are you? 2. What do you want? 3. Why are you here? 4. Where are you going?

Clearly, I've got a 0 on the test so far....

Inspired by... who knows what.

2007-09-07T01:07:00.000-04:00

So, I was writing a Facebook message to a friend tonight, and realized that the message to that person in particular while originally intended to be a one-off message, has the potential for something much greater. I'm not going to try and pretend that it's an original concept or that it's part of my personal brilliance in any way at all, but it could have some really cool repercussions. I wrote this short message to a friend whom I miss. Just basically took a cross-section of what my heart felt at that exact moment, put it in a message, and pressed "send". I titled the subject of the message as "Two Minutes of Truth..." because for lack of an original title, that's what it was: a short near two minute message of exactly how I was feeling at that moment. I don't know what's going to come of it, but that's the wonderful risk of putting yourself out there, the surprise of never knowing what might or might not come of it...

Anyway, I've been distracted all night by listening to my uncle's music. He may be gone over four years now, but I can turn on his music, close my eyes, and almost pretend he's still alive. His collection of music is probably one of the most difficult blessings that I've ever been bestowed.

I wanted to work on videos tonight, but I think I'm thoroughly too distracted. So, I think I'm just going to watch the newest episode of Star Trek: New Voyages and then hit the couch...

My "About Me" says it all...

2007-08-01T01:20:00.000-04:00

This blog, is no longer necessarily going to be censored, restrained, politically correct, appropriate, or repressed any longer. It's going to serve as a useful tool of personal discovery and/or ventilation or I'm no longer going to have it frustrate my time.

I return to the life I lived on August 5th after having been nearly completely cut off and away from everyone since July 11th. I really only spoke in depth to two people... one who just had their significant other move out, and another who's about set to loose 2 grandparents much too close together. That's it. I let those two through, but if those situations weren't going it it probably would have been no one. No one should take it personally that I haven't spoken with them. It's been an interesting time of self-exploration being away from so many of the people who have shaped who I am. Not to mention the fact that these students at the program deserve and will have every spare minute of my time that I can give them, and it really doesn't matter who you are or what the issue is, I'm pushing silent on my phone and will call if/when I have time. I'm not trying to be harsh or offensive, just straight with ya'll. I've got exactly 21 days to impact the lives of these students and I'm going to use every minute I have. I've got hundreds of pictures and countless hours of video to edit into tangible memories for the students and staff that unfortunately none of you can ever see lest I dare break the HIPPA laws, which, quite frankly, won't happen. But, the program is winding down, it's party time for K's birthday to relieve some of the stress that's been riding pretty high this past week, and sooner or later, "even this too shall pass."

Happy August.