Frame of mind

When my cousin read my coffee grinds... see previous post... One of the things she said about me right now is that I was burned badly in a previous relationship (right on) and that I had separated that relationship part of me out and have left it to the side.

This couldn't be more right.

I want nothing to do with any relationship right now of any kind... I tease at the thought of it for this person or that... but ultimately... It. Ain't. Happening.

Yes, a lot of it is probably due to that burn. I haven't really set about processing it (frankly I can't quite comprehend it even still) and not processing/comprehending that situation... well... it sure as shit doesn't let me get over it.

More than that though, I just don't want to deal/hear with the minutiae of the other person in a relationship.

I don't want to know how your day was, I don't want to know where you are, where you're going, what you've done, that you're going to fold your laundry, or any other daily shit-task that you're doing. I don't want to make small talk. I don't want a routine to say goodbye at night. I don't want to hear how you're feeling unless I ask...

I have neither the energy or will to care.

Maybe that's cold... but I don't really care about that either.

In regards to relationships that's where my mind is at right now. And if you want to screw... well... you can give it a shot, but 9 times out of 10 it's gonna end up being a no anyway. That's just not typically me. Not for any cockamamie religious belief... those are the furthest things from my mind right now... but simply because the reward isn't worth the risk in my head. It's that simple.

I think I like this spaced out, more stream of conscious type formatting for the blog. I've read other people who use it, and found it annoying at first... however... I've written more in the past week like this then I have in the past few months. And quite frankly, writing something is better than writing nothing for me right now.

Hope it doesn't bother the 3 of you who read this all that much :-p

Blech

I'm not happy I'm still sick and unfortunately feeling like I'm getting sicker.

I'm not happy I'm single with 0 current active prospects.

I'm not happy I'm living at home and have to deal with nagging about going to sleep and saving my money.

I'm not happy that I have a stupid midterm test on Monday on information all out of a book that he expected us to just read and 2 power points he whisked through (... just a hint buddy, real life is open book, we can talk to the person next to us, and we don't typically have to answer all the questions in a 45 minute block of time).

I'm not happy my room is messy and things aren't where they belong because I'm still cramming my life into a room in my parents house.

I'm not happy that the highlights of any week consist of driving to Philadelphia and drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

Probably most of all, I'm not happy that if certain things don't pan out, I'm going to have to rent someplace again because I can't live my life where I am or the way I am right now.

But I'm doing fine... how are you?

What happens when you stare at a screen and the dam finally breaks....

So, I made the decision this weekend that I'm not staying on another year in Philadelphia. I'm relieved, but not happy. In a way, it feels like I've failed. I've failed at moving out and supporting myself on my own. Now, I have to crawl back to my parents house and live there and save money before I try again. In reality it's nothing like that. My parents would most likely have helped me pay the few bills that I needed help with, and supported me as I needed for at least another year at which time I might have been able to save up enough to keep on making a go of it. No, I wouldn't have had a big nest egg to work with, if any.... but who does now? I read so often about friends who are making it paycheck to paycheck, moving around restlessly, searching desperately for roommates to bring the bills down to a barely reasonable level, and part of me thinks, "yeah, that's what this time of life is all about".

But then Vulcan logic kicks in and I remember a piece of advice I once gave to a girl I thought I was going to marry. This was my High School Sweetheart and we were both going through college application craziness. She was applying to a whole bunch of schools that she really wanted to get into and taking it as seriously as most guidance counselors tell most high school students they should. I, on the other hand, hadn't yet even begun to fill out my one page application to community college because I knew I was going there and they don't reject anyone, so why worry?

In retrospect, I think she resented me for that. We planned to take our SAT's on the same day so we could go to the park after we had finished. She went to bed early that night before, ate a breakfast and was there 20 minutes early, just like her Princeton Review course had told her to be. I didn't take any courses, didn't go to bed any earlier, slept in too late, and went to take the test in the shorts and t-shirt that I had slept in. My bed-head conveniently camouflaged under a New York Yankees baseball cap.

She, being a music major (the first of many major changes), had the benefit of an audition where she could prove that she was better than her SAT's said she was. I knew that's where she would shine. I could listen to her sing for hours (less if she chose to sing soprano, but when she sang alto... endless), smile watching her connect with 3-5 year old's until my face was sore, or drift into such a peaceful state listening to her flute echo throughout the church sanctuary. Being with her, made me know that if no other quality, being musically inclined would be one of the quickest ways into my heart.

I digress. She had a contact, a teacher, at her first choice school who her father played with regularly in a band. He mentioned to her father, knowing her talent was more than tests and grades showed, that if she ever decided to come to his school to let him know and he'd help her out. Now, this wouldn't have disproportionately advantaged her against any other applicant, rather, leveled the playing field so to speak. My advice to her at the time (spoken with a heavy grain of religious salt) was that, "[If God] had given you this contact, this ability, isn't it unnecessarily handicapping yourself [and going against God's Will] not to use everything you've been given to accomplish what you want?"

As luck, chance, [God?] would have it, I was born to extraordinary parents, who have enough confidence in how they raised me that they will selflessly give to me above and beyond the call of other parents knowing I won't let them down. Was I entirely out of money for living in Philly? No. Between no interest offers and loans from friends who'd I'd loaned large amounts of money in the past, could I make it? Yes. Would it be easy and would I have much, besides saying I lived in Philly for 2 years, to show for it? No. So I'd be 2 years behind in what life should be [I guess], and have little if any savings to start some real attempt at a stable life because frankly, working 35 hours a week, and commuting 30 hours a week at a minimum is not realistic for anyone.

DS called it before I even really felt it. She knew that this was ridiculous and that I need to stop being whatever I was being and do what needed to be done. As we sat in the Vietnamese place for lunch, "So you're not happy with life at the moment"
"No."
"You're not happy with your commute and overall lack of free time."
"No."
"You're not even happy with the way you look or feel physically."
"Nope."
"Then what the hell are you doing?"
And of course, she was right. I think my trip out to see her was the first step, and my weekend spent at home, just at home this past weekend was the second and final step. I've got someplace to go home too which I've always had. I'm already in the routine of paying out for rent, utilities, etc, so now I can keep that up and just pay it right into a savings account (which my father has agreed to keep so I'm not stupid with the extra money floating around). I'm used to missing 30 hours a week, so now I can take that time, put an extra 2 a day to sleeping (bringing it from 4 hours a night back up to 6ish) and focus those other 4 hours on creative endeavors. I'm going to start keeping a "creative log" of sorts to make sure I don't squander my newfound time on stupid things, like getting lost on the Internet or something else unproductive. I want to try painting. I want to get back to writing music. I need to have 8,000 words in an intelligible novelette or few chapters of a novel by June 30th for a week long Science Fiction writing seminar I want to attend. I'd like to put Linux on my laptop, and make it fully functional on my desktop. I'd like to go rock climbing with Superman again. I'd like to not run myself into the ground during the week, and have to sleep at 12 hour clips on the weekend to catch up.

And now, that it's 3:49ish and I've managed to combine what looks like at least 3 individual posts in to one (possibly) semi-coherent ramble, I'm going to sleep. I'm also reserving the right to edit this once I'm awake and, well... awake.

Playing a bit of catch up

So, I'm back in my apartment for the majority of this week... which I significantly hope is a sign of things to come. I've been saying for weeks that next week I'm going to get my car back... and that next week hasn't come yet. First it's the headlights that don't come in on time, then it's a broke attachment on the rear bumper that hasn't come in, and last weekend my father decided to get the flu while nature simultaneously opened up 6-8 inches of snow on us. I know it's out of my control, but c'mon... pretty please..... I want my car back!!! /rant

It's nice to be in my apartment, as opposed to being at my parents place and paying rent on an apartment I'm not living in. I've missed my city. Though, since I had to take the train to get here there are a score of things that I forgot to bring, a bunch of fresh cold cuts for sandwiches (to save money on lunches... that plan is going well), bills that need paying, some of my guitar music and also pictures from my trip to Portland that I've promised to some of you. Well, I'll be going home to babysit on Wednesday so I'll be sure to bring them back or take care of that post that night. I feel like I've got a hundred things to write about but no time to write about them in. I guess that's a good thing considering the sparcity of the recent weeks. Oh well, when my life gets back in order (stop laughing... that loudly) then maybe I'll get back to posting regularly. However, I will say that for those few of you who read/care (and that I'm aware of) I have been trying to comment on your posts that so that you don't take it personally that I dropped off the face of the planet... cause I didn't ;-P