Another one bites the dust....

So, after over 133k miles my car might just finally have to be retired for good. I was in a pointless 4 car pile up in Cherry Hill on Saturday evening. I'm fine, everyone involved was actually, but I'm 95% sure the car's gonna be totaled, and that's the end of it. No last minute pardons this time and that upsets me. I'm attached to that car. Not nearly as much as I was the first time, but I like it. I'm pretty set now on getting the same model used again... with the possible exception of a 98-01 Acura 3.2CL. That was the first car I really really wanted. The one my student council adviser had, before his girlfriend bought him whatever ridiculous car she bought him. Whatever. The sooner I get this figured out the better. It bugs me to have an apartment I'm paying for and not living in.

I got my ID and rfid badge to get into all the doors at The Agency today. It's one little exciting step at a time. Though, I don't see there being many more before the permanent job offer has to come. 2-4 more months hopefully. With how long I've stuck it out so far, that seems like just a few days....

I met and hung out with John Scalzi, which is probably one of the highlights of this year. It's amazing to meet, let along hang out with someone who is a celebrity of sorts in you head. He's a science fiction author of high regard for good reason. He's been blogging since before the word existed for it. I went to a meeting of the Science Fiction Society of Philadelphia where he was the guest speaker. We talked about his books to come, things that helped or didn't help writing specific characters, when he'd be back in the area, and funny stories that happened in life. He's a great, down to earth guy.

So, I met a new person the other day, which was cool timing to my post. GMDN sent me it a few weeks back with a promise of keeping in touch better. Yeah, that never happened. Shocking. Anyway, it's as fun and awkward and uncertain as I hoped it would be. I like it. If there's one thing I have to give her though, it's that she knew that this new person, Tiny Dancer, and I would hit it right off with the vast amount of things that we have in common. I don't know, I'm just trying not to over analyze any of this, because right now that would be the simplest thing in the world for me to do, especially with the outlet I have here.

DS and I have been on all hours of the night recently. These are the times I wish I were there or she were here because it's so much easier to give/get support when best friends aren't 2,878 miles from town to town away. Long story made painfully short, a potential love interest was taken over by aliens and trashed 9 months of relationship building in one week. Think Animorphs or Dark Skies, that kind of taken over and abrupt change in personality. She deserves a fantastic guy, and she experienced that for a brief while, but as has become all to common, each and every one has crashed and burned on the "staying fantastic" part. Sometimes I feel like my reassurances that she'll find someone who will last sound empty to her, but they're the farthest thing from it. They're more full and hopeful than my own feelings that I'll find someone one day.....

My first little sister popped back into my world yesterday which was awesome! It's always cool to see how we manage to just play catch up and then jump back into knowing each other like life never made us too busy. She's still happy and going strong.

And that rocks.

Lacking witty title...

I need new. It doesn't matter who, or what, or where, just new. I thought I might be able to start that tonight, but it seems like that's not going to happen. I'm just too unsure of what all's going on with her, and she's just too close still with others.... I wish, but no. I gave up today and talked to the friend of GMDN. I figure if I'm gonna throw my world upside down like I want to, then all preconceptions have to go out the window, even dealing with GMDN. I don't even give a shit if anything goes anywhere, I just want to meet new girls. People I have no history with, no preconceptions, no knowledge of, no idea where they're from, going, or how we'll get along. I'm clearly not getting anywhere where I am now.... so it's not like I could be any worse off.

My six guys and I...

So, during the winter season, I work at a Christmas Tree farm, which I'm going to abbreviate CTF (despite how much that makes me think of 24). I love it. In fact, I love it so much , I'm debating about offering to assist during the 'off season' to learn how to run, take care of a farm because I think I want one myself one day. In another 10 years or so, I'd love to get a house, 10-15 acres and have the farm take up 10 or so. Today, in particular, was a fantastic day at the CTF. Not because of good weather, or phenomenal tips, but because we all got along so well and were so happy and having so much fun together. We laughed and joked and had a grand time the entire day. That's where the title of this post came from. We decided we're making a mini series that'll start on the Lifetime channel, and then on the sequels we'll make it bigger, onto HBO or something like that. It's gonna be like a kind of Brady Bunch Christmas Tree Farm. Such a great time... it made working there pass so quickly. I never really realized it before, but I'm the oldest one there. By 7 years. When they were born, I was in the middle of first/second grade. It kinda too me aback in all honesty. We all got along so well and had so much fun, it was nice to just joke around like a kid, more innocently again. Hah. "like a kid" I'm even talking like I'm an old man now. I wish we had a bit more time than just these three weekends, two of which have vanished already. I don't think it'd ever be the same if we met outside of it. Then the difference would be so much more evident. Why is a college grad hanging out with my child who's in high school, curfew's, parents giving rides, appearances, and etc... Maybe that's it. Maybe what I enjoy the most, as much as it's them, their personalities, our interactions, it's the fact that we can do so with out all of the differences/questions. That bubble of a little world on that wonderful 10 acre farm lets us fall back to a simpler time where everyone's actions weren't called into question first. Where you had to do something wrong before someone thought you were going to do something wrong.

Ok, enough of that. I rambled on for about 15 minutes to Distracted Spunk today. I'm glad she's one of my best friends. It makes it so much easier for me to talk about anything and just vent when necessary. I'm definitely in that stage in life where I'm moving forward but don't have a clue to what. Some days I don't even feel like I can see the road underneath each passing footstep. I can't imagine being 30, having worked for 8 years, and not feel any closer to having a direction/path in life. I can't imagine what clock's are ticking or voices are second guessing inside of one's head. I can't even feign confidence for a solid month at a time, I can't imagine near a decade.

I think this anonymity that I have here is good to develop the consistency of writing here on a regular basis, however, I can feel myself outgrowing it. There's something inside that wants people to be able to come and know who I am and read about my life knowing me. To put thoughts and feelings and stories and hyperboles associated with who I am. To blur the line between fact and fiction because I can, but also to just be able to write it all. I desire immortality. And since it's clear I'm not going to conquer any new worlds or be any kind of super hero.... an author, might be the best piece of ambrosia I've had with me all along...

For the picture of the day, I was behind this vehicle on the way home, and it was just too freaking cool to pass up:

Too tired to write in depth, but in line with yesterday...

I had to post this utterly disheartening news. If there's one thing that can be said for this, you really get to see both sides. These are cut and paste the words of both parties involved with the WGA/AMPTP negotiations. I think it's a great side by side rundown of the current states of minds of both of the parties involved in these negotiations. I think writer J. Michael Straczynski says it best:

I wish it could've come at a different time, but everyone wishes that whenever
it does come. But this...this was inevitable.

Support the writers, buy a box of pencils, call or write to the media companies, as fans together, whether it's Battlestar Galactica, Lost, Smallville, The Office, The Daily Show, or whatever program you enjoy watching, let's all put the pressure in the right places to end this.

My world, in a bit more than 60 seconds

Maybe it's ingenuitive or maybe it's lazy. Probably, it's a nice awkward combo of both, but this post is going to be the 'headlines' that make my life on a daily basis.


First up, Writers Guild of America strike:

To put it succinctly, it sucks. Not just the strike itself, but the lack of progress and generally distrustful atmosphere that has been permeating the negotiations. Now, I'll admit right from the get go, that I'm partial to the WGA. I generally believe the word of the writers over the word of the studios participating in the talks. As much as it's bias, it may also have slightly to do with the fact that there is always more than one source backing up what the WGA says, and only the AMPTP backing up what the AMPTP says. Posts like this and this concern me to absolutely no end. I'm not only concerned about not getting to see the end of BSG, but there's talk of not just the spring line up getting tabled, but the fall one now too. If this keeps up like it seems like it's going to, I'm gonna get my chance to march with them.... which will simultaneously be a privileged and saddening day.

DMCA and general Digital Rights Management:

It seems like just when it's forgotten for a little while, it comes right back, slightly more prevalent than before. First, go click through this presentation. This spells it out more clearly than I've ever heard it done before. Now, personally I'm much more a 'letter of the law' kind of person because getting into the 'spirit of the law' is much to subjective to be effective. However, when the letter of the law is designed to keep bad people out and you're not one of the bad people, it can be more than a little unreasonable. The above presentation I actually got from two entirely different sources today, which is why it's at the forefront of my mind. The second source has another link to more specifically DRM with music. And then there's also this stupidity, which I literally found just seconds ago. Maybe if you're not a big computer geek you don't care, but well, I am, and I do.

American politics:

It's unnervingly frightening to feel a bit apprehensive about posting this, but I'm going to for discussion anyway, as any free, democratic, patriotic, citizen is allowed to do in this country. This one is also a fun read too, right from the quill of the president himself. I don't know where we're going as a country or how it's going to make as abrupt an about-face as it needs to in the time it needs to.

I listened to Christian music for the first time since the program this summer today. It was only for a handful of minutes, but it was noteworthy enough to mention. I'm sure there are topics I'm forgetting, but these 3 are mostly what goes through a large part of my mind daily.

Baby steps...

That's what it's felt like I've been taking for the last 2 days. Nothing coming anything remotely close to quickly, just one baby step after another. On the bright side though, it's been baby steps forward at least. I just got more time and projects at the Agency, I can finally drive myself to public transportation in the mornings instead of having to be driven, and it looks like my financial situation might just clear up sooner rather than later. It'll still be rough each month, but at least it looks like there's a good chance of making it now. And should a full time job roll my way, there's gonna be a party that night and drinks are on me...

I copied wedding videos off the tapes and on to my hard drive today, only missing one cassette I think (I can picture it in my head on my 'desk' at the apt). While that was going, (and I was downloading fan produced episodes of Star Trek based series'), I finally got to organize all the random files I had laying around on my K:/ drive from various Linux installations in the past. I cleaned up about 20GB worth of garbage, and the other 34GB are all organized by type in nice, neat folders. I figure I'm about one or two more good hard drive cleanings away from finally having a unified My Documents, from the past 11 years. This excites me. Significantly.

I saw the saddest thing ever on the way into work today. I don't know why exactly it struck me as it did, but I couldn't get the image out of my head. I wanted to ask the guy why, but he was in his truck before I had a chance to talk with him. Maybe tomorrow if it's still there. Yes, of course I took a picture:

Working for the Agency, dinner with Rapunzel, and Tin Man

So I've decided that this week I'll be wearing a different 'hat' each day. Sunday, I was a Christmas Tree farm worker, Monday I was a lazy bum, today (Tuesday) I was a photographer, Wednesday I'll be a web page designer, Thursday I'll be an office assistant, Friday I'll be graphic layout editor, and Saturday I think I'll go back to the beginning and be a Christmas Tree farm worker. Some day's I love the variety, and some days I simply abhor it. Today, I'm in the middle.

Playing photographer today was fun, I enjoyed that, to an extent. It's easy, and I see immediate results of my work which is always a nice thing. I can put down about a half days working hours too, which gods above know I desperately need the money from. I may have to drop more severe hints that I'm not going to be able to keep this temporary shit up for much longer... not that I know what/where else I'd do/go...

So, on a happy note for a change, it was so unbelievably fantastic to get to see Rapunzel after I don't know even how many months it's been. We talked and ate dinner at our special little Italian restaurant that we love so much and had a wonderful time as we have every time. Sometimes it boggles the mind to think just how long I've known her... over 6 years of history between us. I don't know where we'll end up, but if where we are now, is a result of where we've come from, I'm not all too concerned.

So, I've restrained from writing about the Sci Fi Channel's movie, Tin Man. I don't want to just say it sucked, however this is no glowing review either. It had its moments, and it certainly had it's ideas, but the acting except for a few sparks, and overall story was significantly uninspiring. There was enough difference that I could definitely take the 6 hours of my life I spent watching it and easily pretend it was a stand along mini-series that only remotely took some ideas from their childhood. At the very least, I hope that this has prompted someone to write something much more deserving of a Wizard of Oz sequel/spin off.

No, I'm not volunteering... I don't have the time... for the foreseeable future, that is...

No pictures tonight, I need to go to sleep, working at the Agency in the morning.

Sabbath, in the not so religous sense...

I want to say today was nice. I want to say it was exactly what I needed. I want to say I feel like I'm firing on all cylinders again. But... those would all be inaccurate. I had to force myself to sleep in and still felt just as off as before. I don't think it's the vitamin D, that gives me a different feeling than this, and I got plenty on Saturday. Actually, I'm afraid it's my sleeping habits. Yes, I can function adequately on 4-5 hours of sleep an night, but I do believe that adequately isn't what I'm used to. Like Distracted Spunk I tend to operate on a plane above what is simply adequate and the reduced sleep may be behind the adequacy. So that was supposed to be the point of today's "sabbath", to take time off, sleep in, veg out, and refresh my batteries in a manner of speaking. Did it help, yes, just not to the extent that I would have liked it to.

So, here's something that's been troubling me. First, go off and read Phillybits for reference and then return here.

I read that, don't know where exactly I found it, I think off of a Digg link, and was immediately flooded with quite an array of emotions:

• I was frustrated, because religion and politics should not converge, except when politics is required to to preserve every individual's right to believe in whatever they wish
• I was angry, that in a political debate, a question that had so little to do with anything of political, policy, or international importance had time wasted on it
• I was humbled, because 18 months ago I still would have thought that was an important question and would probably have based my vote on the candidates' answers
• I was saddened, thinking just how many people will end up basing their votes on the answers that the candidates gave.
  
• I was disappointed, to think that these are the criterion we have reverted back to using to elect our leaders
• I was upset, to see how far we've deviated from the Founders original plan and destiny for this country which they gave themselves to found

But most of all, I was ashamed, in myself, that for all I tout myself for being American and proudly supporting the democracy the Founders established, I wouldn't have known my own constitution well enough to give that reply....

Picture (c) 2006 Bonnie Jacobs

Rain rain.... give me a day off...

I'm tired. Still. Still improper synapse firing. Still searching for everything. But, the Christmas tree in my apartment is decorated. Progress!!!

Ok, now for complete sentences. I made dinner tonight, a whole chicken baked in the oven and rice. I was tired of not having a real meal so damn it, I made one. It was so good there's only a bit or rice left over, that's it. Yes, BigE and I ate the whole bird. It was glorious. I've decided that carving a chicken properly is one of those life skills I need to learn before I have my own family. It's one thing to butcher it when it's just us guys eating, but it's another when it's half a presentation for a family too. I will add, that as much as I sucked at the whole carving thing, I did save the wishbone intact which is drying on top of my stove as we speak :-)

So here's a question: How much does one spend on a blind gamble, that's most likely a once in a lifetime experience, especially when that person's just scraping by on bills as it is? Right now, I'm between $500 and $3,000. Yeah, it's worth 3-grand to me... if it were guaranteed I wouldn't hesitate, but it's not... and I'm not positive how I'd feel if I dropped that much and didn't get it, or rather, wasn't even close. I imagine my competition isn't that severe... Neilsen ratings estimate a 2 million viewer pool not counting other countries; figure half are fans enough to keep up with information online; at least half actively searching for information and participating in blogs/fan clubs/forums, which brings us down to 500k people; from here it's subjective guessing how many people have the money for this, are willing to spend said money, both have the money and willingness to spend it, and are fans of that character enough to spend it on seeing them, and of course any other variables I've forgotten. So approximately I'd be competing against 1-100,000 people? Give or take a few thousand? Maybe 1-50k? I really don't have a clue, but now isn't a time to underestimate. I need to find the deadline for this.

And apply for a passport... just in case.



"You say you want to talk about a better world, but you've closed that beautiful door"

Artist: Billy Bob Thornton (yes, the actor)
Album: Beautiful Door (2007)

Christmas trees and family meals...

Well, here's to day two of commitment to write. I can't guarantee the quality of this post. Hell, it took me 3 minutes to just spell guarantee correctly. Today was a good day. After about 15 minutes in the sun at the Christmas Tree Farm I couldn't stop smiling about how nice it was to be out and in the sun. The level of depression that hits me in the winter is near frightening, or rather, debilitating. I think the Vitamin D supplements will work, there's no reason to think that they won't... but if they ever stop, I may have to relocate to somewhere or figure out some way to be in the sun daily.

After work was dinner with the Ohana at P.F.Chang's. It was without a doubt a very family-feeling dinner. I think, if I didn't have my family of friends from HS I would probably have been in even closer with them. It was nice to see everyone and hang out, whether it was during dinner or after playing 'adult' hidden pictures in the bar we went to after dinner.

I would love to have stayed and played longer, but I needed to get back to the apt to shower and set up our tree, and most importantly get off the road before I got too tired to be on it. I've got a number of ideas and things I want to write about, most of which I'm sure I'll get to eventually, but not tonight. I couldn't even focus and find the words I wanted in a txt message to Distracted Spunk. I literally stared at the screen on my phone and still haven't figured it out. I needs some catch up sleep. Happy December, it's now officially the Christmas season.

Catching up

So, I may have failed at the NaNoWriMo thing, but I kinda expected that. As punishment, or rather, perhaps motivation, I'm going to attempt to write here every time I sit in front of a computer. Whether it's 3pm or 3am I need to get this going. I've had 3 or 4 ideas on things to write but haven't been somewhere that I could write them down. It's like the ideas wait until the most inopportune moment they could possible hit and choose that one. Oh well.

I'm at the apartment, having just finished my nightly doses of tea, scrabble, and taking with my Distracted Spunk. I'm taking her idea and giving everyone witty names, it's the easiest option I think. Then I can talk about everyone and feel at least a bit less like I'm censoring my writing. It's funny, I think that the Writers Guild strike has actually put me in more of a mood to write. Maybe because they can't/shouldn't, or maybe it's simple idol worship in that I want to be like them. I'd like to create a series and characters that people can make a part of their lives someday. Until then, I'll support the ones who are doing that with every dollar that I don't have...

Pencils2MediaMoguls just upped the ante to try to get more supporters. For fans of Smallville and Battlestar Galactica a few of the actors have expressed a willingness to reward fans with a phone call, personalized memorabilia, or more. Aaron Douglas has even offered to take his biggest pencil donater out to a hockey game, provided they can make it up to Vancouver. I'll admit, I'm wildly tempted to buy a thousand boxes right now. No lie. 12,000 pencils. I'm beyond not able to spend that kind of money, but it helps the cause and to hang out with the Chief.... it'd be worth the years of debt I might incur from that. And then to go to Bear's soundtrack concert and be able to go up to him like a friend, cause we'd have gone to a hockey game before... yeah, woah. A good idea may be to find out when said contest ends.

I'm also going to add a picture with every post. All will be ones I've personally taken/edited unless otherwise noted. It's about time I start getting my proverbial "shit" together and accomplishing something in addition to working 4 part time jobs and hanging out with friends. I've got video's to edit, websites to make, Christmas presents to make, furniture to make, ships in bottles to make, and I'm sure about 7 other things. Ready. Set. Go.

Ahh a lack of motivation, with a side of revelation...

So, I've got my own place, a comfortable general life situation, no real worries to concern myself with... so why do I also have such a lack of motivation. What's the old saying, "Success breeds complacency but complacency breeds failure." I guess I'm in the process of that one first hand. Luckily though, I still have time to make it not apply to my situation. Finding the motivation to do the work that I have though is going to have to become a priority for me. I know I work well under deadlines, that wonderful productive pressure of writing papers or finishing the project, but how to get done what needs to be done just because it needs to. I have process the pictures, I have to make the dvd's, I have to clean and make my room here an actual room, and no amount of sitting around writing about it is going to get it done. Maybe this is a good thing though. If I can use this as an exercise in self-exploration to actually figure out what gets me motivated it could be the key to the lifestyle I truly desire.

I hate how I sound when I write thoughts/feelings sometimes... it's like everything every creative writing teacher ever told you not to do, is how it just comes out sometimes. Though I imagine it's like that for most people, to use a pottery analogy, we all spit out the same shitty lump of clay but it's just a matter of how we sculpt what we've got to work with.... Anyway,

...I could logically tie this back to not really knowing who I am. Always defining myself by those around my rather than what I'm supposed to. What am I even supposed to define myself by? When I such a diverse group of people around me, from agnostic to fundamentalist, ignorant to tolerant, every spectrum of color and walk of life... how do I use that as a basis for a definition? Can't. Do I define myself by a God or religion, maybe. I'll put that in the possible category. Do I use the sum of my experiences, my past to tell me how to run my present and what to expect from my future. If I do that I'd never know who I am till I look at who I was. That's a no. Could I do that whole introspective look in yourself to find yourself circular reasoning? Sounds like a never ending roller coaster, but maybe. But maybe that's it in a way, I've gotta know who I am to know how to make myself work on my own, how to motivate myself. Most of the things I do, in fact, now that I think about it, near all of them are done because someone else either asks me to, or needs me to and I don't have an objection to them. Climbing, dvd's, pictures, moving, work, you name it... it's not because it's something I actively pursued and desired/wanted myself, it's because someone else did and I didn't have an objection offering my services for the ride. When was the last time I really desired something, went after it, and got it? I don't even know? That realization takes the wind out of me like a sucker punch.


The Great Maker is right with his four questions: 1. Who are you? 2. What do you want? 3. Why are you here? 4. Where are you going?

Clearly, I've got a 0 on the test so far....

Inspired by... who knows what.

So, I was writing a Facebook message to a friend tonight, and realized that the message to that person in particular while originally intended to be a one-off message, has the potential for something much greater. I'm not going to try and pretend that it's an original concept or that it's part of my personal brilliance in any way at all, but it could have some really cool repercussions. I wrote this short message to a friend whom I miss. Just basically took a cross-section of what my heart felt at that exact moment, put it in a message, and pressed "send". I titled the subject of the message as "Two Minutes of Truth..." because for lack of an original title, that's what it was: a short near two minute message of exactly how I was feeling at that moment. I don't know what's going to come of it, but that's the wonderful risk of putting yourself out there, the surprise of never knowing what might or might not come of it...

Anyway, I've been distracted all night by listening to my uncle's music. He may be gone over four years now, but I can turn on his music, close my eyes, and almost pretend he's still alive. His collection of music is probably one of the most difficult blessings that I've ever been bestowed.

I wanted to work on videos tonight, but I think I'm thoroughly too distracted. So, I think I'm just going to watch the newest episode of Star Trek: New Voyages and then hit the couch...

My "About Me" says it all...

This blog, is no longer necessarily going to be censored, restrained, politically correct, appropriate, or repressed any longer. It's going to serve as a useful tool of personal discovery and/or ventilation or I'm no longer going to have it frustrate my time.

I return to the life I lived on August 5th after having been nearly completely cut off and away from everyone since July 11th. I really only spoke in depth to two people... one who just had their significant other move out, and another who's about set to loose 2 grandparents much too close together. That's it. I let those two through, but if those situations weren't going it it probably would have been no one. No one should take it personally that I haven't spoken with them. It's been an interesting time of self-exploration being away from so many of the people who have shaped who I am. Not to mention the fact that these students at the program deserve and will have every spare minute of my time that I can give them, and it really doesn't matter who you are or what the issue is, I'm pushing silent on my phone and will call if/when I have time. I'm not trying to be harsh or offensive, just straight with ya'll. I've got exactly 21 days to impact the lives of these students and I'm going to use every minute I have. I've got hundreds of pictures and countless hours of video to edit into tangible memories for the students and staff that unfortunately none of you can ever see lest I dare break the HIPPA laws, which, quite frankly, won't happen. But, the program is winding down, it's party time for K's birthday to relieve some of the stress that's been riding pretty high this past week, and sooner or later, "even this too shall pass."

Happy August.

Yes, there are points for class participation.

Out of curiosity, and stemming from a particular series of contemplations in my own life right now, I put forth a question to whomever happens upon this blog:


What do you fear to be wrong about the most??


And yes, after a predetermined amount of time (about a week) I will answer this myself.

July 10th comes after April 12th... Right?

So it's been a while. I think I officially give up on 'back updating'. Too much time, and in the words of an energetic blonde guitarist friend of mine, I should "get off the Internet and go live my life!" So the short story is: finished the last semester with honors, walked in Graduation, had an amazing 2 weeks up at Basileia, came home and found out I didn't graduate and signed up for a $1,400 4-credit summer class, hung out at the beach, had an amazing week at the American Legion NJ Boys State program, had a good time in a flooded out Washington DC, got all signed up for substitute teaching in the fall, spent an awesome time with a whole bunch of beaches at the beach, had my State job pushed back cause of the stupid government shutdown... but it is still going at least, just got a tentative offer of a new job in August, had our first monthly tech meeting for ALJBS, got a Facebook message I expected, a Gmail message I didn't expect, and now it's today.

Right. Now that that's all cleared up. I just need to find the motivation to do the small things.... like clean my room, and read the books for my summer class. The problem with this season called Summer, is that since everyone's off, every organization that exists tries to cram every getaway and project into it... so by the time I get a minute to look up, I've spent over 5 weeks of it doing someone else's stuff. Now agreed I'm getting a lot out of it, but it's the 10th of July and where'd my summer go?

So, unlike nearly everyone else I know I won't be doing the whole grad school/real job thing come September. The plan, so I hopefully don't have to go through it again is that I'll be substitute teaching while taking the next year off. During this time off I will be traveling from coast to coast looking at Seminaries and other Christian graduate schools to find the school that God wants me to go to. I'm going to take as much time as I can, look at the school, programs, and spend a few days in the surrounding area because wherever this school is will be where I'm living for however long it takes to get whatever degree I need. Then it's anyone's best guess where I end up. Colorado is still my top choice but the longer life goes on, the more one realizes that anything's possible.

Anyway, today's a mix of errands and homework. I've gotta drop off fingerprints, talk to the people from CBVI where I'll be working for the next 2-3 weeks, stop by my old work to find a sprinkler, and then read a book and send an e-mail to my wonderful professor with whom I'm doing the summer study so I can actually graduate. No guarantees on posting more, it'll happen if it happens.

Temnet Nosce

A place holder, like a bookmark... A blogmark.

OK... here's the short version of where I've been.... 3 days in Rochester, NY; a day and a half in Fredonia, NY; nearly 5 days in Portland, OR; 1 day in Philadelphia, PA; 2 nights in West Chester, PA; 1 night in Edison.

They all have stories, they all have good times, and they all have life lessons learned...

However, what I don't have is the time to explicate them all to you right now... so, yeah, of one of those towns strikes your fancy, ask me and I'll give you the story, if not, wait till I get the time to flesh this post out with all the juicy (haha, right) details of the last month of time. This post was in response to those of you who requested I update this, coughjesscoughgillcough.... among others.

Writing isn't art isn't writing isn't....

All my life, I've either read or written... My idea of the summer reading program at the library was seeing if I could crack 500 books, again. I'd be so busy in life during high school that I had to take writing electives just so I could have to force myself to do what I wanted. That was then...

After getting so burned out from writing during my last 3 semesters I figured my photography classes would be a good break before I went back to it. I didn't know how right I was. Now, I don't want to go back to it. In fact, I've had random urges to do things I can't do... like draw, paint, photoshop, Maya, creating things on a medium that I've never really used. I pass the drawing studio in the art building and see the easel's set up, and think, wow, I'd love to just go in there and draw something.... and then I realize I can't draw.

Things are changing for me, life is changing for me. It feels kinda like base jumping right now. I'm running towards the edge of the cliff. I'm at those last three steps where you know there's no turning back and it's starting to feel like you're flying already. 70 more days. It feels like just the other day I was saying 100 more days. Where the hell did 30 of them go???? I don't have a clue, but I wish I could have them back...

So I've decided that I can't continue at a secular institution of any kind after I'm done with my bachelors degree. In the midst of conversations I heard God whisper to me that I'll loose myself and loose Him if I do. It's seminary or working... and maybe both. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions. I have a God-inspired passion for counseling, no questions asked. He's given me a gift there and I intend to make the most of this gift from Him. However, I can teach, serve, build, plan, analyze, write, speak, and think as well. I was talking with a friend tonight and expressed how I just wish I could just up and disappear to Europe, the west coast... somewhere, to just live by the skin of my back and God's grace.

However, right now I've got 282 e-mails in my inbox, two graduate schools that need applying to, a hundred friends to spend time with, and 70 days left until graduation...



isn't it hard sometimes, isn't it lonely how I still hang around here there's nothing to hold me

--Patti Griffin "Florida"

This'll be a normal one for a change...

So for a rundown of the "highlights" of the past week or so:

Superbowl party at 1863!!! With the unbeatable rootbeer pong team of Dana and Paul... the "Sign Language After-Game Special"... and yay for only having to wake up at 6:30am the next day instead of 5!! Thanks for the couch, it was a life saver!!!!

4x5 format cameras... totally one of the coolest tools of photography

Yay for finally developing amazing pictures from random trips to the Statue of Liberty over break... awesome idea Kelly!!!! So where's our next one??

Lunches, dinners, and other awesome times in 1855... What am I going to do without you once I graduate?!?!?!

GCBS like woah.... Like going from a diet of steak, potatoes, and a white tablecloth to a 4th of July BBQ... Rocking Tuesday night!!! Here's to 50 more brothers and sisters on campus I didn't know I had!!!

15 minute conversations that end up going 2hrs, and then the best 11 hours of sleep I've gotten in the past 3 weeks. Don't let her tell you any different, Erin's couch in her living room is amazing!!!

Basketball late Wed nights, it's so good to play again, even if I have to ice random body parts, like my neck, after every time... but at least I can move it!!

Changing a flat tire on the Penn Turnpike... and of course, being sandwhiched between the guard rail and tractor trailers whizzing past my head at 70+ mph, because it was the driver side front tire.... I volunteer never to do that again!!!!

IV, IV, the simple pleasures of coloring and playing with colored pencils, and totally being "that guy"... and you still can't read what I scribbled out on the back of you paper :-P

Full House... I need say no more ;-)

Siren submissions, Biblical Theological Seminary, two "go to" people having a conversation and belly laughing hysterically at 1am, being told by more than one person that since I'm questioning and über-concerned about things in life -- I'm doing it right (which by the way really isn't cool. It's like saying that if you feel like you're doing your homework wrong and you don't know where to go, that you need to keep doing it that way because you're actually doing it correctly even though you don't think you are and just wanna know how to do it right. Ummm, I get it, but that's still smells like a load of animal dung)

And thus ends a pointless "update" blog entry... what fun



But in the end, what leaves you broken
In the end, makes you better, yeah

Plumb -- "Bettter"

Maybe what you want, is exactly what you should never get...

So after reading, reminiscing, talking, and pondering till almost 4am I've come to feel that God truly does, as we Christians say, "give us the desires of our hearts". And I hear the complaints now, "Now wait a minute, I desire to be rich, and have a supermodel wife so why don't I have it." After restraining what I'd like to say, as any respectful person should, maybe the crap that we're dealt in life is what we desire, and the good things are that which we only dream about. Not many people I know like admitting self destructive tendencies, but the truth is we all have them. I have them, you have them, our favorite professor has them, and for some of us, I've come to realize it's what we truly desire. There was a point in our lives where we got dealt a bad card, that person who we were soulmates with and destined to be with ended up massacring us inside and for some of us outside as well. We lost all our grandparents, so that they'll never see our great-grandkids. Or maybe, we always think we're recovered from tragedy or personal pain, only to find that one more thing has set it off again, and we're never as healed as we think we are.

It always starts with that one thing, and then goes to a second. Ok we think, two can happen, but it's done now, he won't talk like that to me, or two deaths is just a fluke. But no, it continues, and comes in waves bringing to mind Biblical images of the phrase, "When it rains it pours". We go through what we feel is just simply hell on earth. It can't get any worse, and nothing worse could happen after that person's mother died, or that person's sibling died, or who has cancer in my family now.... but it does. That one more thing always comes, beating and beating and beating you down into the ground.

And then it stops.

We wait...

and wait...

and timidly peeking out of our darkness wonder if it's finally over, and while the actual events may be, the real darkness and pain are only just beginning. Because, you see, there was a point in that series of events where something changed in us. Where we cried differently one time, or beat our pillow or wall differently one time, one time where we accepted the pain as how things are and will be for us. We told ourselves, that it would help dealing with the pain that way because if we expect it then it won't hurt as much, and maybe will be easier to get over, because we just wanted any way out of the agony that we were going through because the pain never left. We couldn't hide it, at least for long, we couldn't bleed it out of us, at least never all the way, can't pass it off because then it hurts someone else and that would make us just feel worse, so we made it a part of us. We accepted the pain, and absorbed the pain, and became one with the pain and saw that it was good, because the next event didn't hurt as much... we were getting there... we were almost at our goal.

Numb. By the end of the deaths of our friends, family, relationships, ambitions, goals, positivity, prosperity, we had done it. That next incident was no problem for us, we were pro's at this feeling of pain, and we were so professional we don't even feel it anymore. We have overcome...

and we wait anxiously to see what dark event we can defeat next...

but nothing comes....

the sun is out and the storm has passed...

So we naively think that we've succeeded, the pain is over, now I can feel better, now I can be happy again. But what we fail to realize, is that we no longer desire happiness, we don't want to smile because we can't cry, and we don't want to look at life positively, because it never lasts. We have altered ourselves in such a way that what we truly desire with all our hearts now is the pain. We know how to deal with that, we can beat it, we're numb to it, we've ventured to our bad place and stayed there so long, that we don't know how to leave it.

We try. We try so damn hard to crawl our way out of that place, because we long to not be fake, and just smile because everyone else is smiling. But, the longer that everything around us has settled down, the more we feel the dread, the pressure, the confinement, the inevitability of the darkness pressing in upon us. We know it's coming, it's gotta happen soon, then I can deal with it and be ok. We live our lives from one moment of pain to the next, while all the time in the middle hoping for the next one just to come so we won't be unprepared for it. We have, in our desperate attempt to cope, altered the desire of our hearts to be for that next moment of pain to come.

And we sit and wonder, on a warm, sunny day, why we can't just throw our heads back, feel the warmth and actually smile for real, why we can't trust that hand that slips into ours, because we're waiting for the knife in their other, why we can't just be who we used to be, instead of who we made ourselves into. So how then, how do we change this powerful desire of our hearts. If God truly is there, and he's just giving us what we ask for, then how do we change what we're asking for?

Well, if you're wondering my take on it, I think that first we have to feel the pain, every last bit of it. Now, if you're saying, "But I did that, and it got so bad I couldn't take it and that's why we're in this situation", I would agree with you, you have felt it. However, you have only felt as much of it as you could take. We've gone to the breaking point, but succeeded at turning ourselves numb before we totally shattered on the floor. What I'm saying we need to do, is to shatter on the floor, we need to feel the pain, ever last bit of it until it breaks us into millions and millions of tiny pieces, that we could never seamlessly put back together, and then give them away.

In our absolute disparity, chaos, brokenness, we have to give what's left of ourselves to this God who grants us the desires of our heart. We all know the coincidences of life, and how that many of them just seem weird. Assuming for the moment, that you believe as I believe, this God can do it all. He can give us our wildest dreams, or allow us to experience the darkest of our despair. If he truly is this limitless, then he becomes the single entity that has any chance at repairing the pieces of ourselves. But as he gave us our desires, whether light or dark, he also waits for us to give the pieces of ourselves to him. For only after we have given up trying to fix and handle ourselves, can we give the pieces of ourselves to him for him to fix.

We have to allow ourselves to feel what we never let ourselves feel before, an absolute low of low's, the epitome of darkness of which we have no hope of ever returning on our own, and in our lowest state, heap our pieces, our burden upon this God's shoulders. Once we have done that, the first step of alleviating the pressure, the heaviness, the claustrophobia of darkness, becomes lifted from us. This is not just an, "oh, by the way God, here's a thing I've had an issue with". This is a full on, all out, heaving, throwing, crying, screaming, abandonment of any control over your own life.

In a world that praises control and self governance, it looks and feels contrary to all you know, but what God adjusts how he works by what most people do? We need to know when there's a battle that we simply can not win, and when to give it over to one who can win. With that oppressive darkness no longer resting on shoulders, can we begin to heal, to properly mourn, to not abuse ourselves over situations our of our control or that weren't our fault. And we can finally get help from a physical source. Whether counselor, family member, friend, acquaintance, or whomever it may be for you, there is someone there, who if you ask is willing to talk through everything with you.

This is not some optimistic the sun will come out bull, but this is a desire of our heart that can only be fully utilized after we remove the oppressive darkness that prevents us from trusting that individual. Only after we stop convincing ourselves that we're being a burden to them, after we stop convincing ourselves that we're bringing them down to, and start allowing them to help, like they are willing and able to, can a true healing process begin. Talking things through with them can lead to confronting and dealing with issues inside of yourself that you might never have known were there before.

This talking, helps us to learn about our insides, what keeps us healthy, and what brings us to stand on the edge of the cliff intending to jump. We'll talk, maybe we'll cry or get pissed a few times, but we'll heal. Slowly or quickly it will happen, with or without more deaths it will happen, because we will have that other person to keep us on track, and that God to pick up our broken pieces and mold them back together. And one day, we'll just look around, and realize that there is a whole world out there, and while some of it royally sucks, that's not all of it. Maybe you won't know the specific day of that epiphany, or maybe you will, but one thing's certain, it will happen.

This worked for me. I had 8 funerals, my mother's tumor removal surgery, and assorted other mental stressors, dissatisfactions, and grievances just over a 6 month period. I have had to deal with my mind, and all the issues up there on countless occasions to either fake, or exist in reality. I hope that this post serves more than just taking an hour of my time, or worse, wasting yours, but if you take nothing else away from this, take hope. The hope that I've probably been where or similarly to where you're at and I have overcome. I have done my best to give you the secret of my getting to my finish line, and now I'm here to help someone else along either by dialogue or by my personal involvement in their life. Because I'm not perfect, because I'm not seamless, because I've been broken to pieces, I have a greater understanding of the power, the capabilities, the desire of this God to give us the desires of our hearts, and just how vital and important a role we play in this process.......