November 8: Mixed weekend

Last night was awesome. We had a bonfire and cook out back in the woods at my friend's house. Most of our group was there and it was nice to all be together again. We didn't even have to do anything other than all just be together hanging out. That's one of the many things I love about us. We drank more than our fair share and had a great time. The girls would go off and talk their girl talk stuff, and we guys would talk our own talk around the fire when they walked away. Simply awesome.

Today however, was alright. We slept in (9am woo hoo...) made breakfast and then just hung out, I made an appointment to see why my car's SRS light is on, read more of this absolutely awesome NEWSWEEK article about some of the inside story of this historic presidential race, and then fell asleep. That, was apparently not the smartest thing to do, because I was a sour-pus for the rest of the night. We went out to New Brunsiwck to hit up the bars and just have a night out on the town which I was beyond not feeling. I drove so I didn't have to drink and spent money I didn't want to spend which was good, and then spent the rest of the time stressed out for some unknown reason and totally not enjoying myself. No one to txt to distract me, and the rest of them were off either hanging with their significant other or trying to work their magic on some of the bar's female patrons. Me, I found myself very captivated by SportsCenter and then LOST when they turned that on. I'm not really a big LOST fan, probably because I just haven't gotten into it, but it held my attention tonight. I had more cloves this night to try and knock off the edge of the stress than I've had since the summer program. Not that it worked all that well, but the time outside of the bar was helpful enough at least.

And now, as it's 5:10am and I'm writing this, I don't feel all that tired, and am fighting the urge to just drive home. I don't know why but I just wanna go. I can hear DS saying in my head, "Then just go." right now but that still doesn't mean I'm going to do it. It's not that simple, I'd have too many questions to answer about why/when I left, etc. And as much as I'd like to leave and go to sleep in my bed, it's not worth it. I think for tonight, I'm going to set my zippo on the table and stare at the flame for a while till I fall asleep.

A Night To Remember...

Tonight, I learned a lot of things. I learned that there's a reason that I'm not someone who can just talk to people at bars and walk home with numbers... or more. That's just not me, and that's alright. Tonight, I finally became ok with that. 97% of the female population at bars, really just aren't my type of person. And that's alright. I don't know if anyone knows how good it finally feels for me to feel that way.

I learned that there's a reason that I learned German in school. I spent the night talking half in German and half in English and found myself very comfortable in both. That means a lot to me. It means that the 7 years that I spent studying it in school weren't for nothing. That there are over 100 million more people in the world that I can communicate with in addition to those who speak English, and that's absolutely awesome.

I learned that the first and only individuals who were female whom I talked with at a bar and actually hung out with after the bar closed, were German. That just trying to speak their language was so much more than the average person and that made a difference. I was encouraged to speak as much German as I could, even as broken and random as it was. Anything was so much better than nothing.

I learned that I was a good kisser. Yes, that's all that happened and frankly, that's all that was appropriate to happen. I'm not your average guy who brings people home to whatever, that's unquestionably not me. Maybe it's the most superficial of the things that I learned, but it makes a difference to me. It's one thing to think that I'm good, but it's quite another to be told quite certainly that (at least according to her opinion) I certainly am, and that one day "I will have a lucky girlfriend who will enjoy my kissing good". I think that made me feel the best about myself that I've felt in a long time.

I was told that one day I'm going to find a good girl, someone who will appreciate how nice I am and that it will mean a lot for her to be with me. Now, anyone who knows me, knows that this is my deepest wish. If I want nothing else in this world, that's what I want. Someone who's with me for me, and truly loves me, and my optimism and sensitive completes our relationship. Someone who I can build a friendship, and relationship, and life with; someone with whom I can share an unconditional love that transcends any obstacle. Call me a hopeless romantic, I don't care. That's what I want and I won't settle for anything less.

I realized tonight that I've still been on the path of finding myself since I've been un-engaged. Yes, for those of you who didn't know, I was engaged for almost 2 years and I've been spending the last 2 years dealing with that relationship and finding myself. I've been learning and growing for a while now, but can't remember a jump in understanding like this ever before. I'm so glad that we went to Fedo tonight and met everyone we met. The were like emissary's to me and there wasn't a more perfect time for them to fall into my life.

I learned, that for as much as an optimist in though that I am, I now know that everything is going to work out for the best. I feel completely reassured that I will find "her" whomever or wherever she may be. I feel a weight off of my spirit and I'm can't wait to let it soar and find what it may.... I don't care how cliche it sounds, sometimes we just feel something that can't be explained in any other way than using one, and oh well. I'm closer to being at peace than I have in a long long time....

The shadows fade into the light
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me
All I was meant to be?
What if our love
Never went away...

Daughtry"What About Now"

Pre, during, and post weekend updates.

My day started at 5am today… after going to sleep at 2am (my own damn fault, but the pilot episode of New Amsterdam showed real promise for the rest of the series). I power-walked it all the way to the train station from my apartment (which is not easy to do that early in the morning) and made it on the train with 2 minutes to spare. For the first 5 station stops I think I seriously just contemplated what was going on in my head when I decided to move to Philadelphia. If E had said Hoboken, well now, that would have made an infinite amount more sense for me… but he didn’t, and I’m in Philly.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen when it’s Actress, E and I starting in August. If the 3 bedroom units aren’t available at the complex we’re at now, my time in Philly may be drastically shortened simply due to the cost of commuting to Newark. If I didn’t mention yet, that’s the plan starting in August. Actress is moving from Chicago to Philly to live with E and I which I think I’m excited about. At the very least it means that Surfer will be around more since they’ve got a ‘thing’ going on, and it’d be cool to have him around more. I love her to death and she’s one of my best friends, but if there’s one thing the apartment won’t be anymore, it is quiet :-P I don’t mind saying it here, cause it’s something I’ve said to her before, and she knows well. I try not to say anything I wouldn’t say to that person directly. Unless it’s one of those “I like you but I don’t know/doubt that you like me” situations… but that’s understandable.

The sun didn’t come up until I was already in Trenton, or get through the morning fog until I got to Newark. The ride from Trenton to Newark was a load of fun though. Two women and 4 little girls were all taking a trip to NYC, and the one woman was as talkative to strangers as my father is. So we chatted the entire ride. I explained to her how the trains work (they were from Delaware), talked about jobs, kids, teaching, and the progression from childhood through adolescence. It was exactly the positive experience in the morning that made up for having the off-peak train ticket, when I thought I had the peak ticket, which forced me to give the conductor my last dollar bill, and fish out 5 quarters, 4 dimes, and 2 nickels to complete the rest of my fare. I think he thought I was being an ass by giving him change, but that was seriously the only money I had with me… today’s pay day thankfully.

Tonight I leave for Chicago for Actress’s birthday! No, if you’re wondering, I really didn’t have the money to afford this plane ticket but fortunately and unfortunately it was bought before I realized the predicament that I was in. I’ll be paying for nothing but train tickets, gasoline, and bills for the next two months at least. Oh well, on the positive side, maybe they’ll be a financial incentive to start working out more and eating a bit less to get in ‘summer shape’ a little earlier this year. I’m starting to feel optimistic about even that. My car is finally back, fully repaired and running flawlessly so I can go rock climbing again and E and I are going to be joining a city indoor soccer and kickball (yes, an adult kickball league) starting the end of this month. I’ve missed organized sports.

Somehow that last paragraph went from Chicago to kickball… anyway.


Post Script:

I’m fully convinced that the copier on the second floor, not only has a personality of it’s own, it spites me for coming down only to print out more copies of my report, and is developing the means with which to strike back at me. I think it might be Skynet… details to follow if today isn’t Judgment Day.

Post Post Script (on Sunday at 3:31AM) Everything written above was from work on Friday when I was actually being productive in the office as well as writing a blog. I can't do much else when the copier is churning out 50 more coppies of my report... Apparently other people in the office liked it so much when the walked by my cubicle and saw it that they wanted some to give out to the trainings and things they're hosing in the coming weeks. That's on top of the 150 we're sending to every NJ state senator, state assemblyman, and county freeholder.

Right now I'm in Chicago and it's been overall a good time. Yes, I had the tendency to get in my usual overanalyzing mood, but other than that it's all good. After our plane got delayed 5 hours and we finally got to Chicago, we went to sleep. Saturday we went to the top of the Sears Tower, out to Giordano's for stuffed pizza for lunch, dropped Actress's sister off at the bus station to head back to school, then went out to dinner at a place aptly named "Stuff Yer Face", and then finished the night out at the Chicago Brauhaus which was the most kick ass bar I've ever been to. Nothing but true German beers on the menu, polka music (or polka renditions of familiar songs), and lots of musicians and waitresses and friends who spoke German! It felt really good to use it again... and to drink liter glasses of "ausgezeichnete Deutsches Bier"!!! *roughly translated, "awesome German beer" Now, it's time to sleep, because once again I decided to travel on the weekend where Daylight Savings Time changes (I think this is like 3 out of the last 4 times, no joke) and then we're cooking breakfast in the morning! Plane leaves for home at 4:25pm on Sunday and then work on Monday!

My liver doesn't like my weekend activities...

So my plan yesterday, was to come into Philly, make a quiet dinner, catch up on all of the wonderful Sci-fi show's that my DVR so graciously records for me, edit a blog post into a more refined form, and pack what I need for Portland next weekend. Yeah, not so much. I get in, and start my evening, but then E comes out of his room and mentions that he and a bunch of colleagues from work are going out for one of their birthday's and invites me along. There goes quiet night. E and I ordered food and then everyone come over to our place for a few drinks before we went out. We went to this local bar that's only a few block walk from our apartment (but then again most things are just a few blocks from my apartment) and met up with the birthday girl and a bunch of her friends from work. It wasn't nearly the fiasco that was last weekend, and thank goodness because two of those in that short of a time would probably have done me in. It was pretty much the ideal night out. A few drinks before, awesome place, good loud music though not too loud to talk, sports on the tv's, little bit of dancing, reasonable amount of money spent, and then good pizza back at the apartment to end the night. Did it end then, of course not... I was up till 5:30am talking on IM, and catching up on some of the show's that I planned on watching earlier in the evening. But the time I start having regular sleep habits, is well... let's just say probably a long time from now.

Anyway, now to continue the weekend. Packing everything I need and taking off from Philly within the hour, hanging out at home for a while, then out to another birthday party for a friend of mine who went to high school with me, but we only met Junior year in college. Funny world like that. I leave with a quote I just heard on one of the show's (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles) I watched and plan on pondering during the drive home:

"We can't predict the future, only try and prevent it."

Tonight is the night, of the night of......

What a weekend, and it's only just begun. Let's just start with the fact that it's 4:21am my time and I'm up eating Grand's Oven Baked Biscut's and drinking tea because it's not quite safe to go to sleep yet... not because of how I feel, but because how of my best friend JP feels... *update, it's 4:49am and I just spent a half hour taking care of him in the bathroom. He's now comfortably sleeping on the bathroom floor*

Friday: We went out to New Hope. Awesome time, JP, Surfer and myself... the three amigos... (I just came up with that, it's late, shut up) went out for drinks to start the weekend of awesome. We went to Havana's, where we actually didn't see anyone we knew from high school, and just enjoyed the live music. Luckily for us, the band was actually pretty damn good that night. Craziness ensued... round after round of beer's ensued... and lots of great conversation on the presidential candidates policies about Immigration... no, I'm not joking. Randomly through the night, JP offered himself up to a random woman to dance, and we ended up spending the rest of the night dancing and talking and hanging out with their group as well. 4 of them and 3 of us made for one awesome group. We all danced... well, correction, JP and I danced while Surfer stayed with whomever was at the table and talked with them. Now, to better imagine this scene in your head, JP can dance, is pretty much the mac daddy of the group, and just all definitions of 'the man'... I on the other hand, while a good guy am not nearly as smooth as he is. So by saying dancing, it means he was dancing well, and I was getting points for effort just being out there. Long, self-deprecating story short, we had a blast, got their numbers and invited them to Memorial Day skydiving with us. I hope they come, it'd be an awesome time! We left the bar around 2am... maybe 1:30 ish but not before because we all had stuff to do in the morning. JP thought he was all set to drive home, until when we were walking back to his truck, he decided that it would be a good idea to do a pull up on the flagpole that one of the store's had up. Now, Surfer and I were waiting for the catastrophe that was about to happen, but JP was rather oblivious..... until the pole snapped down from the building's face and the end that used to be sticking up in the air was now being held up by the ground. At that point, we promptly continued walking while he gave me his key's to drive home. Smart plan.

Saturday: AL meeting in the morning... blah blah blah.... politics politics politics.... happy ending. JP picks me up from TCNJ to go back to my apt in Philly to start our crazy freaking Superbowl weekend. It's pretty much uneventful till the evening, we get food, hang out and talk with old friends, stop at the beer distributer to have some on hand for tomorrow, more friends come in, it's a grand old time. We head out to dinner, have dinner at what I believe is the same restaurant that Sly Stallone filmed Rocky's son watching the simulated Rocky/Dixon fight in.... (and that's just one of the big reasons I love Philly) and then all planned to go out for the night. We go to Fedo to start the night, and as much as E loves the place because it's somewhere he's been and likes making habits like that... the rest of us are kinda like, eh... music's not that great, atmosphere's not really that good, and drinks could be a bit better. *and then the clock struck 5:16am in real life, JP still passed out on the bathroom floor* So after we decide to go, E leaves J and I in charge of finding the next awesome place. And since, by his own description, J is a fabulously flamboyant homosexual, we decide that a gay bar is the best place to go to. (Side note, I do consider my life now complete since I've went to a lesbian bar in NYC with Distracted Spunk and a gay bar in Philly with, well, a group of people) We start walking until all the street signs have rainbows underneath them (no joke) and turn down a side alley, barely big enough for a car to fit down and stop at a door that has a huge crowd around it and a large rainbow flag flying proud and high (this is no exaggeration). I'm mildly concerned but trust J enough that if he says this place is better, then it's gotta be better. We walk in, make our way through the throngs of men, to the stairs to the second floor, the dance floor. We enter the second floor and it's a scene out of a gay movie I've never seen but always imagined. It was a dancing sausage-fest that almost made me nervous at first, but for whatever reason (I'm guessing the alcohol already in my system) I was alright enough to give it a shot. E got us all really really strong vodka/red bull's and that was it. J was quite right, despite my melancholy mood of the evening (due in part to DS's woe's of life and love) the music was better, the drinks were stronger/better, and the music was also worth listening/dancing to! J came over and said to me, "There's just something liberating about being at a gay bar that you can't find at any other bar." and quite frankly, he's right. It's not like I was looking for someone... but maybe it was just that we were all looking for ourselves there that made the atmosphere what it was. Anyway, as the night went, JP disappeared, E and his lady friend kissed for the first time, though under significantly dubious circumstances, J enjoyed the fact we were all on his territory and enjoying ourselves, and I was spending the bulk of my time txting DS, enjoying the music, and trying to analyze the atmosphere. The night ended roughly. JP's coat disappeared only to be found on another individual... and being in the current significantly inebriated state he was in (and currently still is, 5:37am) he had to be taken outside while I negotiated with the bouncers on his behalf, ultimately ending in his coat being returned and him walking away cursing off the bar staff who wouldn't deal with his belligerent behind. Me, JP and L walked home, stopped to oogle at the beauty of Independence hall, run in front of traffic, piss behind a dumpster, for JP to profess his undying love to L for finding such an article of sentimental value as his coat was, and then finally, finally to make it back to my apartment. At that point we stayed up and talked about all the different things that alcohol loosens our tongue's about. L and E went to sleep, I stayed up taking care of JP until this very minute still.

Sure, there's more I could go into... E and his lady friend's woe's tonight, E's profession of extreme thanks and commitment to our best friendship, JP's helping poor Michael bail his cousin out of jail, L and how good it was to have her with us, and I haven't even though about the plethora of emotions and feelings that passed through me all night - up to and through now... but I'll deal with me another time. I wish, I could write, that at 5:49am I'm going to sleep, but I'm actually not... I'll be up at least another hour to make sure JP is alright, as warm and as comfortable as he can be on the bathroom floor. This is why I was made to deal without sleep when necessary, right?