So, if there's one thing that I've learned...

It's that any time I get a week to ten days behind in something I'm supposed to be doing regularly, it seems like too insurmountable a task for me to catch up. Most recent point in case: regular daily blog posting. I'd like to say I'll get to it, but that seems to repeatedly set myself up for failure. (side note: at this point I've written more in these 3 minutes than the previous 7 hours a post had been open for me to write in) I did discover some things today though. One of the most important being, that I think one of the reasons for my severe lack of productivity at home is because I do/did too much in my room and have developed habits (for lack of a better word) that I can't break. You know how they *expert people* say that sometimes people think of eating at night when they go to bed because they eat in their room, or a student can't focus on homework as well in his room as s/he can when sitting at a desk or table... well one or two things like that has never been an issue for me. However, I eat, sleep, play, work, create, film, photograph, talk, write, and have worked through a mild depression all in my room here at my parent's house. Somewhere, one of those must have been the straw because I routinely feel a sense of paralysis in that I can't do what I need or want to. Another reason, I want my own place, and soon.

I was able to write my case notes from visiting my clients at the library with very little trouble. Less than if I were writing them either at home or the office. The latter I need to make sure I get in check sooner rather than later. There were times, before I had my current job responsibilities, where I would be waiting for things to do, or on no specific project with any specific deadline and was more or less just there waiting for them to give me something to do, and I got in the habit of reading articles. And not just one or two, but like 20 or 30 a day. Digg, Google News, NY Times, CNN, AP, Reuters, and then I started reading blogs too... It's sure been one way to keep my Google Reader nice and neatly at '0' but tends to slow the start of my day, and after lunch. Probably something I should fix sooner rather than later.

This is a test...

To see if the new blogger gadget I added into my iGoogle home page will let me post to my blog while I'm at work, thus further decreasing what was otherwise a rather high level of productivity. More back-posting to continue tonight now that I finally have some free evenings to do them. Gotta live a life before you can write about one, yes?

November 14: Awesomeness and Confederate adventures pt. 1

So, Dzia stayed over last night. I really didn't expect her too, and it' one more reason that maybe this time is different than the last.... She had planned on coming over so we could go swimming at my gym and then maybe play guitar or watch a movie or something. Well, in a fit of Alzheimer's I left the free pass for her in my gym bag, in my car, locked in the Honda dealership. Awesome. Instead we went out for dinner with Surfer and his gf, both of whom I'll be heading to Richmond, VA with to visit Surfer's brother and sister. When we got back to my house, I stopped into my parents room to let them know she was staying (which they thanked me for and asked if she needed anything before they went back to bed. I love my parents) and then went to sleep. And yes, just to sleep.

In the morning she drove me to get my car since the part was finished being installed and then off to work. Work went by quickly with the anticipation of leaving for Richmond that night. I was supposed to meet Surfer at his parent's house and then we'd all leave from there around 6:30. Well, 6:30 somehow mutated into after 8pm and it started raining and being all sorts of foggy. We stopped for gas, Windex, and other necessities and headed to the Capital of the Confederacy. Around midnight I was done and since I actually had someone in the car whom I felt comfortable with driving my car, I let Surfer finish the drive. We pulled in front of his sister's place at 2:30am. We all had a Magic Hat #9, and were asleep by 3:30am.

November 13:

Thursday

This morning I dropped my car off at my friendly, neighborhood Honda dealership. I enjoy going in there when my car needs some TLC. I've got a few of the technicians whom I'm friendly with and get joke around from the second I get in until I walk out the door. The last time I went in, I walked out with a $2300 bill that I didn't anticipate getting. Needless to say that kinda drained me for the next few months (from September till, well, now) so I tried to get them to promise me to keep it under a hundred dollars. Luckily it was only the driver side seat belt that had failed and those are covered for the lifetime of the car! So not only was it under a hundred, it was free :-)

Also had my 2-month review at work today. Quite hard to believe that it's been 2 months already but that's what the paper from HR said so might have well as been a page from the Bible as far as I'm concerned. As soon as I got to my supervisor's office she just said, "sign here". No discussion, no hesitation, she had already filled out 'exemplary performance' and it was literally a 45 second review. I love situations like that!

Edit: To close the open thread about my drivers license. I said screw it and went to the DMV this morning (Thursday) before I dropped my car off and just got a new one. Turns out it was up for renewal and from the way the dates worked out, it had been expired since March of 2008. So whatever karmic luck that made me loose it, also made me get it renewed should I (knock on wood) get pulled over anytime in the future.

November 12: Like a great big practical joke...

My driver's license, has vanished without a trace. It's not in my car, my state car, the pile of artifacts on my bay window that typically fill my pockets, anywhere else in my room, or the wash. The only possible long-shot places are my camera bag at my boss's house or work. Either of which have about a 3% chance of actually being the location of my license. My vote is still my room. Don't know where (obviously) but I feel like I'm just going to come across it one day and be like 'wtf'. So, that was a fun panicked driving around all day. I mean, seriously, I'd have gone at least 5mph slower on the highway if I had known...

In other news, one more piece of the proverbial umbilical cord cut today. I am the proud owner of my own cell phone plan. Yep, at 24 and a day shy of 9 months my cell phone plan is now finally mine. Any charges, overages, internet fees, pictures, calls, everything is my own to deal with. I think the lack of license has overshadowed my feelings on it a bit, but I really am glad. It's one thing I never have to answer a question about ever again. I can call 411 if I freaking feel like it, jump online for a quick KB or two to get a score or e-mail or Google maps (not that I'll need to with my Kindle, but you know, I can now). Also got a second line with mine, so now I have my phone, and my work cell phone, so certain parents will no longer txt message me at 8pm on a Saturday about if their child can attend the program happening 10 months from that date!!! Bah... parents.

November 11: Frustration Abounds

So, the sleeping in until 3:45pm thing I can deal with. Clearly, I needed it, or else I would have woken up, duh. So, I don't mind that much time out of my day being gone, but today, more than most days I really felt how confined I am living back at home again. It doesn't matter how much it's realistic or not, I confine myself and everything I own to my room. I just can't spread things out to where they belong when I'm here living in my parent's house. Dvd's - closet, instruments - closet, random food- plastic bags in corner, clothes- everywhere, coffee maker - bay window, tool box- floor by my bed. Get the picture? If you're thinking, "Wow, that sounds like a cluttered mess, I bet he can't find anything in there..." you'd be dead accurate.

In my box of DV cassette tapes I should have 5 labeled for a wedding I did, however actually there are only 3 of them (and it took me 4 hours to find the right hard drive folder that had the files of the 5 tapes), I just recently found the power cord for my lap top after months missing, and I still haven't been able to get to the plug for my stero to plug it in so I can use it.

I know that this is messy and disorganized, but I'm not a messy and disorganized person. When I was in my apt in Philly everything was in it's place where it belonged, my bedroom was for sleeping, the entertainment center was for dvd's, kitchen for coffee maker, etc. It's killing me that I can't have it like that, either in actuallity or just feel that way psychologically. I'd be kicking myself and regret it greatly later, but I'm wondering if maybe I can't go out to LA for the Battelstar Galactica auction after all......

November 10:

Long day at work today. We had a big career fair/ seminar on how to have a positive look on life. It was one of those 6am-5pm kinda days and then had to walk home from the train station on top of it all. Originally I was dreading it. However, the walk home ended up being awesome. Except from the strange muscle/tendon/ligament/thing that I pulled randomly last week it wasn't a painful walk home. It was already dark but the moon was bright. I realized during the walk, that more than the crunch of leaves in the Fall, I enjoy the sound they make when I walk through them. They all fly up in the air, making the subtle crinkling sounds and then delicate, oh so delicate pops and clicks as the tumble back down the pavement. It's the subtle things like that I truly enjoy. Also the moon so bright I could see clearly at night. Like, bright enough to make out my hand, and the little lines and wrinkles in it. Simply awesome.

November 9: Shhh, I'm sleeping.

Because I didn't get any all weekend. I was up back-posting and reading that Newsweek article till after 6am. By the time the sun started coming up I figured I should head to sleep. If any of you were wondering why the heck I labeled the last post "90210" it's because of Luke Perry.

I fully believe, that every misguided and romanticized view of dating, love, and relationships come from the years I was spellbound by 90210. I feel like I've written about this before, or maybe it's one of those drafts still sitting partially written, but looking back I internalized many things from those characters that I tried to incorporate into me. From why I got my first Zippo lighter to why I felt it was ok to loose my virginity as young as I did and a hundred more subtle things in between. As far as the Zippo story goes, it's simple really. I have an image of a scene in my head of one of the episode's endings. Luke Perry laying down on a couch, in his jeans and shirt, to go to sleep and the episode fading out on him lighting and staring at the lighter, fade to black.

This is short, because I'm actually slepeing right now ;-)

November 8: Mixed weekend

Last night was awesome. We had a bonfire and cook out back in the woods at my friend's house. Most of our group was there and it was nice to all be together again. We didn't even have to do anything other than all just be together hanging out. That's one of the many things I love about us. We drank more than our fair share and had a great time. The girls would go off and talk their girl talk stuff, and we guys would talk our own talk around the fire when they walked away. Simply awesome.

Today however, was alright. We slept in (9am woo hoo...) made breakfast and then just hung out, I made an appointment to see why my car's SRS light is on, read more of this absolutely awesome NEWSWEEK article about some of the inside story of this historic presidential race, and then fell asleep. That, was apparently not the smartest thing to do, because I was a sour-pus for the rest of the night. We went out to New Brunsiwck to hit up the bars and just have a night out on the town which I was beyond not feeling. I drove so I didn't have to drink and spent money I didn't want to spend which was good, and then spent the rest of the time stressed out for some unknown reason and totally not enjoying myself. No one to txt to distract me, and the rest of them were off either hanging with their significant other or trying to work their magic on some of the bar's female patrons. Me, I found myself very captivated by SportsCenter and then LOST when they turned that on. I'm not really a big LOST fan, probably because I just haven't gotten into it, but it held my attention tonight. I had more cloves this night to try and knock off the edge of the stress than I've had since the summer program. Not that it worked all that well, but the time outside of the bar was helpful enough at least.

And now, as it's 5:10am and I'm writing this, I don't feel all that tired, and am fighting the urge to just drive home. I don't know why but I just wanna go. I can hear DS saying in my head, "Then just go." right now but that still doesn't mean I'm going to do it. It's not that simple, I'd have too many questions to answer about why/when I left, etc. And as much as I'd like to leave and go to sleep in my bed, it's not worth it. I think for tonight, I'm going to set my zippo on the table and stare at the flame for a while till I fall asleep.

November 7: Not enough time in the day

I love my job. I loved it before, and I love the many new aspects and responsibilities that I have in it now. The benefits are great, my coworkers(most of them) are awesome, and my students are proving a very varied and diverse bunch of interesting and sometimes challenging young adults. One of the things, that most of my friends give me a lot of shit for, is the copious amounts of time off. For example, in the typical 35 hour work week that I have, this week I got paid for the full 35 while actually working only perhaps 20, and less than that when you factor in that some of my job I got paid for driving to and from the schools my students are at. Awesome, right? Well, yes... but also very much no. Sometimes, I work so little that I can't get everything done in the hours I'm being paid for. This means that I have to make a conscious decision that I've gotta get stuff done in some of my 'free time' and that I'm not going to get paid for it. I do it, as much because it relives my stress of not having things done that I need to have done, and hope that eventually I'll work out a routine/schedule that allows me to get everything done I need to as well as have all this crazy time off.

I'm at a friend's house all weekend 'camping' as we're still calling it. I mean, it's at his house, on 10 wooded acres which doesn't get cellular phone reception. Might as well be in the middle of the woods in some state park. Should be a good time!

November 6:

I've re-discovered a love from my past. A love all the way from back during middle school actually. The 24oz. 99cent cans of Arizona Iced Teas. I remember going through the lunch lines in middle school and it was always my preferred drink of choice. There was enough of it there to quench my thirst without feeling like it was too small of a portion and a very sound buy. I mean, you couldn't get any other drink of that size for that price.

At the Agency, my co-worker Maggie(obvi not her real name) and I usually go out for coffee in the afternoons, and lunch, and walks, and anything else we can do that's a break from the work we're supposed to be doing. Instead of getting what we usually get, I've been trying to switch to healthier and if possible, also cheaper alternatives. It's been a slow process with lunch, but the afternoon coffee has been more successful. I've not only worked myself down to medium coffee's when I do get them, but I found that there's a store that has the Arizona Iced Teas that I used to get in middle school. Not only do they have the awesome original iced tea, but about 15 other flavors: kiwi-strawberry, grape, black&white, energy, plumb, honey and ginseng, etc... I can't even name them all, it's fantastic.

The other fantastic part about it, is that I've gotten to know the guys who run the place now, so they see me with the tea, I hand them the dollar and walk out the door. I think that's probably the coolest thing about the whole situation. Story: When I was younger, sometimes I'd go with my father to pick up the Sunday paper. Being the creatures of habit that we humans are, he'd go to the same place every time to get it. He'd look through to make sure it had all the sections in it, and then walk past everyone in the line, drop the 75cents on the counter, nod to the clerk, and walk out. I thought this was the absolute coolest thing on the face of the planet. My father was so special and known that he didn't even have to wait in line to buy his paper, he could just go right on past and walk out. Now, I know better, but it still reminds me of how cool it seemed then.

November 5: Tears of Joy

It was surreal.

Throughout last night and into this morning, I just felt like I was in a movie. Like, this stuff doesn't happen in real life. But it did.

I didn't believe it when I was watching it. I had dozed off apparently for a bit, what felt like just closing and opening my eyes for a second, that in real life must have been about an hour. Plastered on the screen it had Obama projected as the winner. I blinked, sat up, and didn't believe my eyes. A few minutes later McCain gave his concession speech, arguably the best speech he's given in the past few months (and no, not just because it was him giving up).

And then the wait. Camera's panned over the 200k gathered to hear their President-Elect. The music started, the crowd roared, millions of eyes all across the country and the world including my own glistened with tears of joy. Tears of hope. The turmoil and seemingly snails pace of the last 20-odd months since this insane shindig started melted away, one tear at a time. I wonder how many eyes, overflowing with pride, were even left able to see him delivering the final stirring paragraphs. I know mine weren't.

This victory alone is not the change we seek - it is only the chance for us to make that change.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world - our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down - we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security - we support you. And to all those who have wondered if Americas beacon still burns as bright - tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

This is our moment. This is our time - to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth - that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we cant, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can.

November 4: Election Day

I pulled up to the township municipal building, where I had gone countless times before to cast my vote. "Lords of Kobol" had just finished on my mp3 player as I got out of the car and walked under the overcast sky into the building. It was packed. More than I have ever remembered it being. The Smith's who live down the road from my parent's house were there, as always, volunteering to help run the polls. I waited in line, and then walked up to the table for District 3 and gave my name. Sign on the line in the book. Sign on the election ticket. Number 167. Wow, 167 at 10am... Last time I voted I was in the 90's and it was 6pm. I stood in line for the voting machine, making small talk with Mr. Smith as I waited.
"Has it been like this all day?" I asked.
"Yep, there was a line twenty people deep at 6am before we even got here! It hasn't stopped like that since then." He replied.
"Wow. Though, that's how it should be every election."
"Should be..." He trailed off, echoing my thoughts in his silence.
My turn. Through the curtain, the machine bleeped and blinked to life. Entertaingly enough, due to state and local politics, Barack Obama was the only democrat I voted for, the rest Republican either because I personally knew the candidate or I was specifically voting against the other candidate. I answered the ammendement and proposition questions, nothing racy or worth reporting there, appointing judges or open space preservation kinds of things, and then stared at the little green arrow pointing to Obama's name. I stopped for a second, taking it in.

"Today, we make history" and with that, I cast my vote.

I'll keep this short...

In any other election, I'd say just getting out and voting is enough. Stand in line, sign your name, push the button, even if you don't select anyone, just push the button, and go home knowing that you are doing what millions can't. This year, it's different. This year, there are two candidates, each of whom probably hold the future of this country in their hands. This year, more than ever, it really does matter.

Make a difference.

Change our world.

November 2: An unorriginal naming scheme

If I'm already putting myself on the juicer to squeeze out 30 blog posts(yes, I had to sing the song to figure out how many days there were in November) and 50,000 words (which I haven't quite started yet, but I've thought tons about it!!) I'm not going to spend any excess cerebral sparkage on post titles. If they naturally happen, then fine... but other than that, it's not worth it.

2 days or so until history gets made in my country, one way or another. Personally, I hope it's the one way or else I'm going to have to see about how The Agency feels about me commuting to work from Canada...

Went out to my Favorite Winery because on the weekends they have their Holiday Spice wine all warmed up and served special for $5. Conclusion: I don't like it. Perhaps I should have tried it before I bought a few bottles, but yeah, it's waaaaay too heavy on the clove spice in it. It honestly reminds me of drinking a liquefied Djarum clove cigarette, which quite frankly, is disgusting. Oh well, I'll give it out as Christmas presents to people, I'm sure someone else might like it. Hopefully. I went there with Dzia, who, after recent circumstances, I have a feeling I'm going to be seeing a lot more of again. Normally I'm not one to really consider re-doing relationships for another go-round, but maybe if we're both in different places then it might work out eventually. Stranger things have happened... though, even with how many votes of conficence my closest friends have given her, I'm not quite holding my breath yet.

NaNoWriBloPoMo... FoSho?

If backdating blog posts isn't cheating, which I'm assuming it isn't (even if it is), who thinks I can do both, simultaneously this year? If none of you are raising your hand (I'm not raising my own hand) my money's with all of you. I figure 1 of two things will happen here. Either, eventually I'll get so fed up of setting goals like this and failing miserably at them, that it'll finally spur me on to complete one or I'll actually do it for once, and huzzah! I can't qualify what kinds of posts these will be, or that I won't have to back-date a few(hopefully not too many) but about all I can say, is I hope to be slightly more pertinent than George Orwell. Not that it isn't fascinating for me to see what he considers pertinent enough to write daily in a diary about, but I wouldn't subject anyone else to it, until I'm as famous as... well... George Orwell.

Oh geez....

Where does the time go?? I've been gone a month. Wow. That's awesome and very helpful for my desire to write more often.

Um, hi....

Here's a list of links taking up my on-line time:

Superstruct

Second Life

Google News

Babylon Podcast

Anything Obama related

And soon to hopefully sap my life dry: NaNoWriMo


That's not to mention the days long process of cleaning my room, a friend having another round of biopsy's, attempting some sort of meager social life, being jealous of other people dating, dealing with living at home with the 'rents, and continually feeling unprepared and unqualified for the job position that I have.

The only recent up-side, my brother and I shot another wedding last Saturday and we rocked it. It looks like (knock on wood) that there were a few of the bride&groom's friends there who are looking for photographers and guess who's card they have!!! 2 more weddings and I'll have my second camera paid off, and then I get to buy/start paying off my 100-400 and decide on whether I want the 24-70 f2.8 or the 24-105 f4.


G'night

Overtime

So, it's official. My inherited caseload is so massively screwed up that I can't even start on any one new, let alone do what I need to for existing clients because what's on the computer end and what's in the physical file end aren't even close. There are unquestionably over a hundred individuals that I need to track down, close from my services, transfer to co-workers, transfer to other agencies, or worst of all, make up their info to get them off of my grid (my list) because there so far out of our system we have no contact info for them. So, until further notice, my work hours just became 8am to 6pm every day. As much of a pain in the royal behind this is going to be, I am really happy that I can build up 15+ hours of 'comp time'. Comp time basically means that I can just add it to any random day whenever I feel like it to make it add up to a full day. Example, I visit clients till noon, write on my time sheet I used comp time to fill up the rest of my required hours for the day, and then go rafting for the rest of the day on the river that happens to be close to the client I just went to see. We can store up to 60 hours and then the Powers That Be take it away from us with no reimbursement. Which, when thought about is reasonable enough considering with my 35 hour work week it's continual, self replenishing vacation time. And that doesn't count in our actual vacation, sick, or administrative time given to us. I've got two words for that: sweet deal.

I met with the financial planner guy who one of my employee's I hired seasonally last year gave my name too. After doing some research on the company he represents, I came to the quick conclusion that if I went out looking for someone in his field rather than him finding me, I would have most definitely chosen his company. He's a part of Northwestern Mutual has an unbelievably impressive and stable history in personal wealth management and life insurance. If they could maintain all of their workforce and even grow a little bit during the Great Depression of the 1920's, then whatever economic crisis we're going through now also shouldn't be a problem. Since I have a feeling that I will end up investing/starting some financial relationship with him, I'm going to use the name Tony for whenever I talk about him. No, not Chris's Tony but rather because of Tony Soprano. It entertains me greatly to nickname him for the most famous, fictitious, Jersey mobster and to think that he's in charge of my future financial stability. I'm easily amused...

Yesterday (because I passed out at 6:30 until my alarm this morning and didn't get to write or anything else for that matter), after job shadowing my counterpart in the southern part of the state I met Dzia to hang out for a bit. I hadn't seen her since she came up on a rainy Saturday three weekends back attempting to wash our cars together. Were I not a bit under the weather and the weather a bit warmer than it was we might have washed them anyway, but ultimately decided Starbucks was a better plan. Anyway, we met on the River and did all the fun cliche things that a boy and a girl do, talked, laughed, skipped rocks, joked around, went for a walk, etcetera etcetera. It was nice to see her and I did have a really good time. I really do believe that when she and I had our 'go round' the first time we just met a bit too early in each of our lives, and now, while we've got better timing in that respect, we just gotta not go too fast and we just might end up with something... or, at least there's the possibility of it. Just the fact that she entertained and seemed enthused at the idea of coming to Vegas with myself and a few friends is a significant step from whence I last knew her.

My Internet is actually out as I'm typing this, so if it doesn't come back up before I'm ready to head to sleep, which is quite soon, I have every intention of back dating this post to the proper day and time. Now if only there were a way to transfer this to my Kindle and I could post it from there...

Headaches, weddings, and then some...

Today, was the first day in nearly a week and a half where I haven't had a splitting migraine like headache just about exactly 4 hours after I woke up. It's nice, really nice to be pain free like that, but at the same time after having it been so consistent there's still a little fear in the back of my head that this is only a tease. I'm not sure quite when that irrational fear crept up on me, but if I'm sick for more than a week I don't really enjoy the places that my thoughts go to. Intense feelings of inevitability; that I'm never going to get better and I'm only going to get worse. Unrealistic and ridiculous, I know, but that doesn't prevent them from coming. Maybe it was from watching my uncle degrade in the months leading up to his death, maybe just the amount of times I've been sick, or just one too many episodes of House.

In other news, I finally e-mailed myself home a bunch quotes and sayings that I had collected while I was at work that I wanted to add to my Commonplace Book. So far it consists mostly quotes and the definition of what it is taped on the inside cover lest I ever forget. If I had a color printer I feel like it might fill up faster, but then again, not having one just means maybe I can coerce myself into drawing or constructing something artistic rather than easy.

I went to a wedding on Saturday for a friend of mine who I knew from high school. We were definitely friends then and had managed, more or less, to keep in semi consistent contact throughout the college years but I'll admit, I was kinda surprised when I got the invite. Anyway, it was a beautiful, hi tech, 'contemporary christian' wedding as it gets. (Interestingly enough, he found the exact same evangelical christian group on his college campus that I found on mine, which could have been enough of a connection...) Except for the headache I still had at that point, exacerbated by the flashing lights and loud dance music, that is. I found out that I had a hidden boccie ball talent I never knew about. He also had up a video camera where guests could step out of the reception and leave a message, personal, crazy, or a mildly inebriated mix of both. We did a group crazy one from high school, but I did go back and leave him a personal, dare I say even religiously inspirational, message to him and his new bride. It was probably one of the first times in the past year I've referred to anything remotely christian/religious.

My uncle came up in conversation again tonight. It's strange how from June-Sept his memory always seems to resurface just a little more than it would have any other time of the year. It's like there's still an indent in the fabric of life where he's missing from. Anyway, his first name was one of the pen-names I used in college when I was writing poetry I didn't want to have to explain to the fellowship. I sent the link to said poem to Dzia, whom I've had the greatest resurgence of a relationship with since we talked early last month, and she asked me to explain the name that I used. So I did, and I of course thought of my uncle, and then something hit me that I never quite thought of before. I was thinking about how much else I wish he could teach me, guitar, music, painting, drawing... when I realized he taught me something infinitely more valuable. Infinitely more personal. In that last day I spent with him, he taught me how to die.

As morbid as that may sound it gives me as much greater level of peace and contentment in the ongoing process of dealing with him being gone. Up until now, I think I felt a more significant touch of jealousy toward my cousins than I was aware of. They had learned music and art from him while I just got to see him on holidays and think on memories of watching in awe rather than being taught to participate with. (There was one time, only one, that I can ever remember participating musically with him to such a point where he looked at me and smiled, and took notice. Him, my cousins, and I broke out in Rufus Wainwright's Hallelujah for a reason now lost to time) That day I spent with him, watching the Yankees, talking about life and relationships, eating a whole pint of Strawberry Hagen Daaz.... all in the face of an inevitable amount of just days left... Maybe what I learned that day can't be accurately passed on in words, but to be able to breath just a little bit easier when the memory of him stirs this time next year will make all the difference.

A rough week

For whatever reason I just can't seem to shake whatever germ army I have floating around in my bloodstream. It's definitely a German or Swiss germ army though... very intense and very precise. At 9am every morning I've felt the headache come on, by 10am it's near migraine or migraine status, beats hard until about 4 or 5pm, and then retreats for the evening and quietly lingers not causing any pain, but reminding me it's still there. It's probably from just having been sick so many times growing up, but I don't do well with long, consistent illnesses like that. They tend to bring my ordinarily optimistic demeanor to a very abrupt dark pessimism. I've been getting by this time because even with the headaches still here, I can definitely feel the cough, sore throat, achy rest of the sickness has just about cleared up.

I'm unrealistically hoping that tomorrow(Saturday) will be my first really good day, because I'm going to be at a wedding and spending the night at a hotel. I'm about 3/4 excited and 1/4 nervous for tomorrow. I'm not in the wedding, or doing photography/video for it (which I do if anyone's getting married and looking for a photographer/videographer ;-) but it's a good friend of mine from high school, and a girl he met from his fellowship up at his school. A chapter of the exact same fellowship that was at my school. Considering the amount of contact I've wanted to keep in with that time in my life (about nil) and the fact that I'm going to be around more of them and more of their music and beliefs and conversations and 'traditions' if you will, than I have been in the last year at least, probably closer to two. Frankly, I dont' think that his wedding is the time or place to get into any of it, my current thoughts or simple lack thereof, so I'll say what I need to say and do what I need to do to pass and should someone be sensitive enough to see through it, then I'll call it fate and see where it leads. Might as well start discussing the elephant in the room....

Caught up on the TV shows I've been missing not having regular tv channels/DVR. In a short recap: Knight Rider, as much as I want to love it will probably be the earliest canceled show of the season, and rightfully so; Terminator, was fantastic as expected. The season premire had me bowing to Bear McCreary's musical genious for the whole first act, and by the last act my jaw was on the floor with the reveal of Shirley Manson's character; Prison Break, continues to add depth to already deep characters and totally earns the increase in viewrship it's been steadilly getting; Bones, continues to just feel real, dealing with interpersonal issues in a realistic manner. David Boreanaz is more amazing with each episode and as much as I didn't like him at first, Sweets is growing on me. Still a few shows I'm missing, but I can only watch so much tv for so long...

Reading however, ever since I got the Amazon Kindle, has been steadilly increasing to the point of taking time away from sleeping again. I imagine it'll simmer down eventually, but it's nice to want to read and have so many things to read again. All the paperback Star Trek series and other little books that I felt were a waste of space reading once and then storing, but wanting to have and not just take out from the library are now becoming mine. I can attach notes to lines or concepts in them I like and have all those notes magically appear in one file, it's delicious. A full post/review on the Kindle is still in the pipeline... just not sure where.

So here's to a hopefully better coming week. If I can just get through work productively, a few scheduled meetings passibly, and not be in pain/sick for the coming festival where I'll be rendevouxing with a few people I'm very interested in seeing again I'll be a very happy individual.