Thursday, May 15, 2008

I've watched too many "made for TV" movies...

When I was in high school, it was called "being a romantic."
In college, it became "hopeless romantic."
Now.... I think "delusionaly romantic" is appropriate.
I don't know why it is, but every time I go to meet someone new of the female gender, a little part of me starts whispering in the back of my head, "Maybe this one. Maybe this time you'll walk around a corner, see her, she'll look at you, and there will be this magic connection with imaginary bells chiming and you'll just know she's the one and you can stop looking."

I've probably hear that voice 40 or 50 legitimate times(or at least times that voice thought was legit) in the past few years. So often, that it's probably one of the single biggest reasons that I'm still single at the moment. It comes on so often in fact, that it makes me hesitate about starting something with someone who I don't have that spark with. Who might instead, just be a nice, attractive, willing, loyal person who's interested in me. That's not enough. Maybe it should be, and I'm missing out on what could grow into something better than I imagine that spark of a moment to be. But right now I can't do that, it'd be unfair to whomever I was dating at the time. As much as I'd be with them, my mind, my heart wouldn't be completely in it, because around that next corner I'd always be looking for that one person. It's the irony of of all ironies, but I can't stand movies with that plot line.

I hate them so much apparently that I've become one. Shaving, dressing up, trying to look good because I'm going to be meeting a newly hired co-worker tomorrow whom I've never met before. And for whatever reason this week, that voice decided to start talking about her, and "how perfect it would be and how her being it would fit". That I'll walk down to her cubicle and turn the corner and that spark will be waiting there for me in her eyes. Do I sound as pathetic as I feel?

This shares a similarity I think to the reason I can't watch Smallville on TV. Instead of enjoying an episode, I find myself almost depressed after watching one... the more I watch the more depressed I get. Feelings of inadequacy overwhelm me, while even though I know it's just a made up TV show, I still feel like I'm insignificant and doing nothing in comparison to them. I feel guilty that I'm not Superman, or making a difference as an 'ordinary' person like Chloe.

I use what of it I can to my advantage. Using that drive to find ways to do things more efficiently and quickly than others would expect, which has, upon occasion led to praise from bosses and supervisors. I'm sure it's why I have trouble just doing something, and always have to do it well or work at it until I can. It's disconcerting and agitating to me when I feel average, or below at something. I don't have to be the best at everything, I know that's unrealistic, but I'd better be at least in the upper tier of ability (or have a good reason why I'm not, eg. gymnastics - I'm not a flexible 12 year old female) or it's gonna get to me.

So I go to sleep every night, and wake up ever morning, hoping to run into that spark that some part of me is convinced exists somewhere. I don't want to exist on the "maybe you're the one maybe you're not the one" plane of existence I see most everywhere I look. I don't want to wait on their every word or be let down by errant words they might or might not have meant anyway. A equal spark. Like two single lane roads merging seamlessly into one two lane road. Each road still exists unhindered but joined. I don't want to look in the mirror and see my happiness dependent on that person being in my mirror. I want to look at myself in the mirror and see happiness, and then look in the mirror next to mine and see happiness.
I don't want 1+1=2
I want 1+1=11


Anonymous said...

I want 1+1=11 too.

But I'm not sure we can ever be entirely independent when it comes to our happiness in regards to a relationship. All we can really do is try our best to not let the ups and downs affect us so deeply.