Sunday, September 25, 2005

Walt Whitman is my homie...

So for those of you who don't know where I've been this past week, I've been with my good friend Walt. TCNJ's nationally renowned Sequicentenial Walt Whitman Symposium was this past week/weekend. I've been looking forward to this ever since David started talking about it to our seminar class last semester. This weekend TCNJ played host to many of the most world renowned and brilliant minds in the field of Walt Whitman studies. I spent the weekend listening, talking to, and eating with such people as, Ken Price, Ed Folsom, Betsy Erkkila, Steven Collins, Fred Hirsch, Wai-Chee Dimock, David Lehman, and many many others including our own esteemed David Blake and Michael Robertson. I was able to attend or work early every event and still find it amazing that I was able to do so. I'm exhausted, physically, mentally, scholarly... I really just needed to not talk and play dumb for a while to 're-adjust' myself back to normal life. From attending the panel discussions, to co-leading a field trip to Walt's house in Camden, to having meals with scores of "Dr.'s", to being at David's house eating pizza and having a drink at the same table as Ed Folsom, actually contributing to the conversation!!! To be invited into the adult world of the scholarly elite filled with people who've published ump-teen books, written twice as many articles and papers, chair their English departments, and so much more... I'm subdued into awe. This last week I got a taste of what life could be like for the next 60 years, and I think I like it. So for right now again... I wanna teach English. I'll let you know if/when that changes again.

I love how He lets me know that He's in control of all aspects of my life. Even the thought about taking a step tooward geting into a relationship and He closes every possible door before I even have a chance to take a step towards it. It's like, wow, He really is involved daily in every aspect of my life. Not that I doubted it before, but to actually see it in action is a whole other thing. I don't have a choice in the matter, I still need to focus on being closer to Him, and rather than feeling constricting, it feels freeing. And only serves to re-enforce my belief that He knows and has planned everything that can and ever will happen in our lives... but that's just my personal belief. I like thinking that I don't have a free will and that's how I'm going to go on thinking... though always open to dialogue ;-)

So I've gotta take 2 classes and finish a photogram project tomorrow... yeah... about that....

And yes Prof. Carney, I will read Othello....

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Stay low, and don't make too much noise...

My life is now complete. I've made it to #1 on a Most Wanted Hit List! Yes, that's right, Records and Registration has just released the press brief placing a bounty on my head. Apparently the reward is TBD upon in what state you bring my body.

In all seriousness, God worked miracles today. I knew I had a fight ahead of me. Deadline for dropping class was back around the 13th, and adding a class even earlier than that. But through intense prayer, God saw my plans through. I waited in R&R for about half an hour to see a 'big boss' about what I wanted to do, praying incessantly the whole time. When the meeting came, I don't know what exactly it was that I said, but he finally caved, but only if I could have 2 letters from 2 department chairwomen on his desk before they closed at 4:30. With much prayer, God saw to it that both of them were there by 12:30pm. And the boss flipped. He said that I never told him I had to drop a class, which I politely pointed out that was the entire reason for the first letter. Basically he said that 'against his better judgment' he will make the changes as a 'first time offense' and to leave his office. What greater than the power of my God? Nothing... simply nothing. All glory and honor to my God who works miracles and wonders in the lives of His children, of which I am proud to call myself one.

So, dropped Contemp lit and picked up Photo 1. It so totally rocks. The professor is different but really cool and seemed impressed that I was as ahead on things as I was. I'm basically all caught up from the 2 classes I missed except for 1 quiz which I'll take next week. We were making photograms today, and I got the idea for mine already. I got to use the enlarger, and chemical baths, and photo paper, and it was soooooo awesome!!! I felt like a 3rd grader who just got a new playground at his school! I'm excited, and feeling creative parts of me stir like they might just be getting ready to wake up finally!!!! I've missed them for so long, in my writing as well as the rest of my life that I can't wait to get them back. And then 4 photography classes next semester!!! I go from living in Bliss to living in Holman and I can't wait. I'm so excited I could pee myself... well... close to it anyway. Time to go buy books, and awesome Photography materials, and Battlestar Galactica Season 1!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Weekend recap, and.....

Weekend=Awesome. Slept late after Battlestar on Friday, till 11ish. Then decided that I obviously wasn't going to the Penn renaissance Faire so continued with my original "personal day" plan of going to the beach! It was so needed. Went to Belmar because that's close to where Pete and Elda's is!!!!!!! So, after finding the perfect beach spot, and parking, I went to the nearest police station to see the regulations for this kinda off season time. This has to be the highlight of my year. So I'm talking to this elderly cop, and ask if we need beach badges or have to pay or anything. He looks at the stand, says, "Well, looks closed to me, so I guess not." I smile and say, "Ok. There were some signs over there about no lifeguards or something so is there anywhere I can't swim?". He looks at me again, "Well, all the life guards are over there at the party, because it's their last day, so..." and in an overly jubilant tone, "Go ahead and drown yourself if you want!" so what do I say??? Yes, I'm that guy that just says, "Sounds great! Thanks!!". If anyone sees Brian Regan, you can tell him to add that to his list... So I go to the beach, set up 'camp' and go wrestle with 5-7 foot waves, which for me, is the biggest that I've ever dealt with. I went spinning and twisting and bouncing off the ocean floor so much it was awesome. I'd dive head first into them and then find myself twirling like Keano in the Matrix. Totally wild. Exhausting but wild. I also got to finally swim out far enough to see what this current thing everyone was talking about was. Like I though, it wasn't that bad, I could feel it, but it wasn't anything I couldn't swim through. I went out past the rocks that jut out from the beach and then swam back... Probably only under a few hundred feet, but many times more than any lifeguard would have ever let me go. I finally realized how small and helpless I was out there. At any point anything could have come and grabbed me out or down and I would have been done. That's it, no post, no Logan. Just the death-defying experience that I needed to snap me back to my life of normalcy for now... Hopefully it'll last till I can go see Rent again.

After rinsing and repeating a few times, I packed up camp and went to Pete and Elda's. Ordered my water and double extra large pizza, of which I did eat all, and then dessert to the shock of the waitress, and then drove home. Since mom and dad were at the Tim McGraw concert I jus threw in a movie, Romeo Must Die, and then went to bed early.

Slept from like 11pm till 12:45pm which was awesome, then cleaned my car, and drove to school for The Bridge service and concert that some of us from IV were going to. It ended up being 7 of us going, the typical 2.5 to 1 ratio of girls to boys respectively. The trip down was semi-uneventful. We definitely took the 'senic route' and got to see some absolutely lovely 'stumps' and 'ducks' that we wouldn't have any other way. I love my friends, it's always such a blast hanging out with them. We found our way through the park to where the concert/service was, and set up our blankets. The concert was good, and the message was well spoken, and then more music was good... :-P The surrounding was very distracting, some of the people lacked certain Christian principals with which to live their lives by and it was disheartening. I know I'm not perfect, and never will be, but... Alas, I digress.

Stayed around at school last night, randomly helped a sister complete taking apart her car to get it towed away, and then chatted for an hour or so with a few brothers of mine about what God has been doing in our lives. It was a very healthy and good conversation.

Tracked down the Photo minor advisor today, by waiting outside of the class she was teaching. Yes, I was "that guy" stalking teachers where their classes are. Basically I'm 95% good to go for the minor!!! I'm dropping Contemp lit. and picking up Photo 1 (not looking forward to dealing with Records and Registration tomorrow) and am all the happier for it. I could do 4 Lit's but it would have been unnecessary. Classes went well and I can't wait to work for the Whitman Seminar!!! Starting tomorrow with office work, then training on Wed, and working Thurs and Sat. I'm so excited!! I really miss our Whitman class, I could have taken at least another semester of it for sure.

Got home at 6pm today and didn't expect to be in front of the IM window for 5 hours straight but lo and behold..... I was!! I decided since I'm dropping Contemp lit there's no sense in writing the paper, it'd just be a waste of both of our time, because why should I spend time writing for a class I'm dropping, and why should he read a paper of a student who's not in his class. At least that's my rationale. Anyway... I think I am going to find a little something to eat, and then get ready for my re-run of Battlestar Galactica, because of course, I need to see them all twice!!!! Oh!! I almost forgot... Season 1 comes out on DVD tomorrow!!!! I am so buying it in my break between classes!!!! YAY!

Friday, September 16, 2005

What a show...

Just finished watching Battlestar Galactica episode 209, "Flight of the Phoenix". Wow. I mean, I know I love the series, but every time I think it's good it just has to go ahead and get better. This was a difficult episode for the characters. Chief and Helo trying to come to terms with each other and Boomer as a Cylon. Adama trusting the same model Cylon who nearly killed him a month earlier. President Roslyn having only weeks left to live... I went from on the edge of the couch, literally, to sitting back relaxed completely unaware of how stiff I felt until a commercial hit, to even being so emotionally moved by the end to feel a tear or two!!! Sure, I know I'm more of the sentimental type... but this whole episode was just one emotional roller coaster after another. I don't know how they can keep this up but if they can... Wow.

Stayed out real late last night at school, and ended up going to Vin's to watch Final Fantasy: Advent Children. I've been dreaming of the day I'd see that movie for nearly a year now. I've got a score of trailers downloaded onto my computer, songs, pictures, digital magazine 'clippings', and the movie just blew me away. As my good friend and brother Tim said, "I have only one word..... Damn!" I can pretty much assure you the reader that you've never seen animation of this quality before. Besides the fact that it was rumored to have taken a month to render 5 minutes of the movie... and the movies 1hr 40min... it was visually stunning.

So the decision of the night, now that I've still done no homework, is do I go to the renaissance Faire tomorrow with Jess and other STD friends, or do I go to Belmar and Pete & Elda's by myself. I'm actually split 50/50 right now. Half of me would love to get to hang out with Jess and other friends of mine who I don't know as well, and the other half just feels like I need some 'me' time. I don't really know how it's any different than the time I spend not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, but my mind is hinting that it might be. And then it goes many steps further and suggests that perhaps there's a God-centered reason why He wants me to go to the beach. Or perhaps He had Jess send me the e-mail invite so I could go to that. There's only one of the complete circles that I tend to find myself paralyzed in. Sometimes I overthink the seemingly simplest things so much. I'm just winding myself in circles right now wondering what I should do and what I want to do. Now if someone presented the option of going to see Rent tomorrow, my mind would be made up... but no. That's not an option.

I've got 2 papers, a poem in Anglo-Saxon form, and memorization of Shakespeare all due by Mon. I don't wanna do it now, because it feels too far away. I got very used to my deadline paper writing and I wanna wait for that. However, I'm trying to break the habit now because with as crazy hectic as this semester is going, I know I won't be able to do that near the end.

Today's just one of those days where I sit and wonder.... Am I actually going anywhere???

Thursday, September 15, 2005

My favorite thing to do in the world.....


Yep, that's it. Now you know the secret to me. I get up on time-ish this morning, drive to school, and do I start straight on my 3 pager like I wanted to... nope! I sit in my car finishing a song, then organize my bags, then go to our beautiful new library and go on the internet, write e-mails, message people's facebook walls, write a blog entry, and then what am I going to do.... go to the gym till class. Today's my William squared day: Faulkner and Shakespeare. Then I've got more free time from 3:30-5:45 which I hope to actually use productively, haha. The paper shouldn't take more than an hour and a half, if that, to complete and hand in. It's crazy sometimes how easy paper writing comes to me. I just have to actually do it. Then meeting with Chuck for dinner, setting up the book table at 7ish, prayer after that, and then Large Group, 8pm, Chapel, featuring: amazing contemporary worship with Pete and the worship team, and special guest staffworker Dale will be speaking. Also, look forward to extra fellowship time afterwards... details to come. There's my shameless LG plug. Chances are, every Thursday that I update this, one of those will be in there. :-D

I picked up a copy of the Lion's Eye literary magazine today. Haven't started reading it but I think it should prove to be interesting. My goal is to take apart every poem in it, break them down to their core components, compare them to each other and cross reference to the two previous editions of the magazine, and then with the common components that I've isolated, construct a poem containing all those elements, and then submit it to see if it gets in. This goes very much against what I wanted to do, which was write my own way and just deal with it not getting accepted or whatever, but I think this should be a very interesting experiment.

P.S. If anyone on the Lion's Eye board reads this just ignore it ;-)

So right now I'm 2 e-mails away from becoming a photography minor. I'm waiting to hear back from the advisor of the minor as well as my English advisor to make sure that I can take all the classes next semester and that what I drop this semester doesn't adversely affect me. I'm really hoping that it works. The biggest concerns and fears that I had have been relieved in the last two days so now it's just waiting on the logistical details. Super cool. I'm excited.

Did I mention that I'm still here writing this procrastinating going to the gym.

Today's word of the day on Sesame Street is: Procrastinate

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

The Serenity of Sunrise

So today was my early day. Up before the sun at 5am to roll around a bit before I have to start driving to school at 6. So perhaps watching Battlestar Galactica till midnight last night wasn't the best idea, but hey, I missed it on Fri... Awesome episode. Lucy Lawless played her character very well. That also now makes 5 Cylon models that we know of: Boomer, the blonde, the guy from the weapons cache and Cloud 9 that Laura spaced, the old PR guy when Galactica was a museum, and now Lucy Lawless the reporter. Technically we could say we know another... Boomer and Helo's child, but 1. the kid's a hybrid, and 2. that would make 13 models and we have only been told that there are 12. Sure the hybrid kid could be number 13 representing Earth, the 13th colony... but that could be a stretch. Yes, I am really into this show.

I read in a friend's livejournal the other day how she missed sunrises. It made me think, and couldn't remember the last time that I had gotten up with the specific intent to see a sunrise. So on my 6am journey to school I tried to intentionally look for one... but couldn't find it. I'd like to find a place in the area that is a good one for watching a sunrise, or a sunset for that matter. If anyone knows of one please let me know!! Especially sunrise. I'd really like that...

Day was crazy as my Tuesdays usually are. SL team meetings 7am sharp. Contemporary Lit at 10. That was fun. Liz and I got to be in the same 'New Criticism' group, so we fought the whole 'Deconstructionist' class... I enjoyed it. Ran around like a monkey trying to find all the right people to see if I can actually add this Photography minor that I want to. I know I can drop the English class... and I'm 99% sure that I can slide my way into the Photography 1 class but it's just a matter of if I can take all of the other minor requirements next semester. If only they developed this a year earlier... Early British Lit at noon-thirty. Then killing time/tracking down the Photography chair till my STD meeting at 7. And for all you non-English majors out there, that stands for Sigma Tau Delta - the English Honor Society. Being at that meeting means that I now have 2 points down out of 5 for the semester. And it also looks like, 1. I'll get to meet and talk to Fred Hirsch!!!, 2. got more info about submitting a scholarly paper to go to Portland, Oregon in the Spring, and 3. I'm starting to make my face more known around STD circles, which is good.

Still setting up the better half of my computer. Gentoo should be up and running by tomorrow... I so can't wait. I'm tired of working in Windows already, it's just so boring. Can't play with sensitive settings, can't emerge new programs, can't test developmental kernels, can't get the latest open office (I think), forget trying to listen to broadband internet radio, I'm just waiting for the virus to come and eat me. How can it be with all my work, class, and extra-curricular activities going on, I still have free time??? I must not have enough on my plate yet... ;-)

Sunday, September 11, 2005


What a day. Spent from 9-3 at LDP's Passport to Programming. It was alright. I got to meet the executive board for Prism which was cool; now I have faces to the names. Can't say that I drastically learned anything new, however I did get many more resources to use with my walk in the shoes of Outreach Coordinator. The food wasn't that terrible for Sodexho either... Then drove to PetCo to get a fish tank stand, and Best Buy to get a 50' cat-6 cable... and ended up getting 2, 1gig PNY flash drives. I hate going into that store... I always buy too much. At least I restrained myself from getting the new iPOD nano that they had there... It's unbelievable to see in person. Go Apple... that's all I have to say on that.

Then work. I must be the only person who works at a day care from 5-10:30pm on a Saturday... So yes, the task seemed simple. Get my boss's computer to print. Easy enough right? No. You're wrong if you said yes. Here's what I'm dealing with: Computer 1. Windows ME, Computer 2. Windows NT4.0, Computer 3. Windows XP, Printer, HP business inkjet 1100d, and a Linksys 4 port printer switch with print server. So I decided to be an over achiever and put all 3 computers, and the printer on a network that could link them all to each other and make them all print. 5.5 hours, too many curses, too many apologies for the curses, and a broken floppy disk later... I won. They're all on a common network workgroup and they can all print. I've also decided I'm re-decorating my room and hanging the successful test pages on my wall....

So many different things have floated in, around, and through my mind recently it's been amazing that I've gotten any other work done that requires thought. From one trial to the next, one fear to the next, one issue to the next, I've felt just like the Andrea Gail on Halloween night, 1991. (Kudos go to anyone who can tell me what I'm referencing without looking it up on the internet) I've found myself "praying hard". Which is kinda funny because I couldn't figure out how to do it until I realized I was doing it... There are so many things I don't want to happen right now but just seem to be slowly, menacingly advancing upon me... and I keep wondering if that next step backwards is going to be the one that kicks the rocks off the edge of the cliff. He's getting ready to break me again I think... like He hasn't done that enough already, then again it is all according to His plan so I guess that means that He hasn't. There are so many things I'd like, but only so many that I am allowed to have. It's just a matter of finding the strength in Him in order to know the difference. No one's perfect... no one can lead that perfect Christian life because we all fail and we all fall and we are all human. Only one man was ever or will ever be perfect and that was my Jesus. We're called to strive to be as close to Him as we can, with the knowledge that we can never attain our goal, all the while holding onto the knowledge that He died for our imperfections, our faults, and especially... our failures. He knows we failed, that we're failing, and that we certainly will fail again. He just requires that we try, in a way that one can only understand once they've been touched... been changed by Grace. For if we don't give up on Him, and if we don't give up on ourselves, then He will never give up on us.

Saturday, September 03, 2005


So I didn't think that getting up early would be the best thing for me after my day yesterday, but there was no way that I wasn't doing it. Up at 6 out the house by 7 and at Zarepath by 7:45 for the free Casting Crowns concert. How could I pass up free Casting Crowns? Exactly, I couldn't. Went to the field to hang out close to watch sound check, then started wandering. Bought 'Lifesong' and got in line to have them sign it before the show. Talked with some really cool people and got to meet the band! I sat with Loren and her friends for the show, which was absolutely awesome, but too short. They even had the speakers timed so that we couldn't cheer for an encore. They only did 3 of their new songs and 4 old ones, Lifesong, Does Anybody Hear Her and Praise You In The Storm; and then If We Are The Body, Who Am I, Voice Of Truth, and What If His People Prayed. There were a whole bunch of TCNJ IV'ers like expected which was cool to see them. Then I went and did housework for my boss while she was away. There were a whole bunch of hedges and bushes that I trimmed and bagged and stuff like that. It's kind of a surprise for her for when she gets back from her last vacation before school starts. Missed my friend's birthday party... that wasn't cool, but I didn't expect the night to go as it did.

The concert this morning helped me very much recover from yesterday. I can't think of a harder thing that I've done recently. I still have no words for it. My eyes still well up if I think about it too much. I just want Boys State to be the same....

To put it simply... This sucks.

The words of my good friend and Foundation treasurer Matt. He turned to me after the service, eyes red, a trail of tear drying on his face, and said nothing other than, "this sucks." It seems so simple to say, but the way that he said it and how he looked when he said it, was just it. I spent from 9am - 3pm for the Director's funeral. Viewing, church service, burial service, luncheon. That was very too long being too sad and upset. This was just one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life so far. I've dealt with funerals, I've dealt with all my grandparents dying, my uncle dying slowly of cancer, friends from high school dying, but nothing prepared me for this. It's not even like we were best friends, I'd never been to his house, but his death just took so much out of me. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted after this. I wanted to go hang out with my cousin but I just didn't have the faith that I could safely drive home with the sun down. I'm going to miss him... and things aren't going to be the same at Boys State. The biggest fear, which Dr. Kane also brought to our attention.... get ready for a year of dirty, nasty, politics. The highest office is vacant, and the buzzards are already circling......

On a manic note, Casting Crowns tomorrow. Yeah. Totally excited. I'm getting there early but meeting a bunch of IVers eventually. Then hedge trimming.... (shower, change, food) and then a birthday party for a famous friend of mine.....

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Still so manic/depressive....

Well, God has shown to me that the string of manic/depressive events is not ending anytime soon.

The good manic:
So InterVarsity hosted an amazing Ice Cream Social on Wed night that just went fabulous. We ran out of 27.5 gallons of ice cream and got to meet a lot of new people. I was completely frazzled the whole time but God worked it out better than we could have ever planned. He had the room pre-set with tables and chairs so people could just sit and chill out which we never had apparently before, and when we needed more scoopers, there were 2 wooden spoons in the kitchen that Tim took charge of and made work. It was the most amazing experience in the world having so many willing and able people to help out.

The bad depressive:
So I volunteer one week of my life every year at a week-long, life-altering program called American Legion Jersey Boys State. I am in charge of around 60 high school junior boys and teach them how to create a democratic system of government from the most basic city level up to the state level. I work with some of the most talented, intelligent, brilliant, funny, amazing businessmen and politicians in the state. Together for one week we eat, live, sleep, and breathe democracy and politics into these impressionable minds. For 5 years, I have been a part of this program working, sweating, and bonding with these finest examples of citizens that NJ has to offer. Unexpectedly on Monday our director of 19 years died at his home. This man was director when I was a delegate and allowed me back on staff. He saw to it that my brother became a delegate and also came back on staff. He worked tirelessly throughout the year to secure the best speakers, finest seminars, and to turn Boys State into the pinnacle of American Legion programs. He was a great leader, successful lawyer, ideal citizen, and a personal friend who will be greatly missed.

So here I am, continually in between two extremes of feelings. InterVarsity is starting more solidly and so much better than I could ever have imagined or hoped for. I'm meeting so many people and strengthening so many friendships that I built last year. I have never in my entire life been happier to go to school and to go to a group like IV. And yet, at the exact same moment I just want to hide in a corner to cry and hit things for a while because I'm just so emotionally upset that I don't quite know what to do. I look and feel like I have it all together... extreme high + extreme low = medium, neutral, fine. I will say though, there are only one set of footprints in the sand.... and they aren't mine.