My Anchor....

So, the other day, my cousin's wife read my coffee grinds.

That's right, I said coffee grinds... Apparently an old gypsy who lived upstairs in a complex her parent's owned taught her how. I shit you not.

Now, anyone who knows me, knows I don't play with that kind of stuff. Never paid a psychic, had tarot read, fortune told, etc. I have an issue with people monetizing that kind of thing.

However this was just something my cousin did... so, because she's family now, I went with it.

She read my brother first, and was eerily accurate. She talked about my brother's new relationship without being told about, and details about it as well. Like that they're mushy... which they are.

Ok... fine. Then me. Also, right on. Everything I'm working on will go well (gotta love predictions of good fortune). However I've been burned badly by a recent relationship (Dzia, which she totally knew nothing about... in fact... no one did.... cause I haven't told anyone... err... wanted to talk about it at all actually) and that due to that burn I've totally separated out my relationship stuff for at least the next year and a half (till most movie promotion stuff is done, dead on) but at the end of that I'll probably end up with the person I'm going to be with. She said, "You're going to find your anchor in life."

I had never thought of that 'elusive someone' as an "anchor". At first I joked about, oh great... someone to weigh me down and keep me in one place... but the more I thought about it the more that kinda made sense.

Someone who can keep me grounded. Let's me float on top of the water but not get carried away. Holds me securely in a storm. But someone who can come with me on all my journeys and travels. Someone who is an important part of everything I do and the places I will go in life.

I never used the image of an 'anchor' as an analogy for "her" before...

Now, I don't imagine I'll ever not think of her that way.

November 2: An unorriginal naming scheme

If I'm already putting myself on the juicer to squeeze out 30 blog posts(yes, I had to sing the song to figure out how many days there were in November) and 50,000 words (which I haven't quite started yet, but I've thought tons about it!!) I'm not going to spend any excess cerebral sparkage on post titles. If they naturally happen, then fine... but other than that, it's not worth it.

2 days or so until history gets made in my country, one way or another. Personally, I hope it's the one way or else I'm going to have to see about how The Agency feels about me commuting to work from Canada...

Went out to my Favorite Winery because on the weekends they have their Holiday Spice wine all warmed up and served special for $5. Conclusion: I don't like it. Perhaps I should have tried it before I bought a few bottles, but yeah, it's waaaaay too heavy on the clove spice in it. It honestly reminds me of drinking a liquefied Djarum clove cigarette, which quite frankly, is disgusting. Oh well, I'll give it out as Christmas presents to people, I'm sure someone else might like it. Hopefully. I went there with Dzia, who, after recent circumstances, I have a feeling I'm going to be seeing a lot more of again. Normally I'm not one to really consider re-doing relationships for another go-round, but maybe if we're both in different places then it might work out eventually. Stranger things have happened... though, even with how many votes of conficence my closest friends have given her, I'm not quite holding my breath yet.

Looking for the Elusive "Her" #1: She's Independent

Her physical characteristics are vague, but that's not what's important about her. We're at a gallery opening, my gallery opening, or some similar type event. It's your typical movie scene wine and cheese affair. White walls with various pictures and paintings hanging and people milling about. Shiny wooden floor, a mix of recessed and track lighting, you can picture the place... I'm on one side of the room, having just finished talking to someone or some reporter like people but whomever they were, they were individuals who had clearly taken me away from something else I had been doing. There was a silence as they disbursed and I turned around to survey the room and find who I was looking for. There she was, across the room, straight black dress, lightly sequined/sparkly, glass of white wine cupped in her hands, talking to 2 or 3 people. I don't know what she looked like or even what color hair she had, I just remember being wildly impressed, overwhelmed even, by the air of independence she gave off. That regardless of the situation, or what was going on, or who was or wasn't there, she could hold her own and take care of things.... that I could feel comfortable letting her take care of things. I didn't feel like I had to run over and save or help her. She was fully independent, but there with me as well...

In some ways, I think it's that feeling that I'm waiting for from someone else to really allow me to let go and fall into love with them. I'm a control freak about many things and I know that. I deal with that and try (often successfully) to control it so it's not detrimental to the projects I'm working on or things I'm doing.

This past month I've been the director of a summer program(A.K.A Why I've Disappeared) and have had no choice but to let go of a lot of things I'd rather have retained control over myself. However, it was stipulated in my contract that I could only work 192 hours in a two week period, compared to the 273 I had last year. I very closely trusted the two individuals who I had working right under me making decisions in my place, and that helped a lot. But there was always that feeling where I had to be around, not over them, but around because I knew them well enough to know when they'd make decisions based upon their feelings and not the overall good of what needed to be done. That was fine and expected, I still do it too. In the end the program this year turned out more than fantastic and it was the best it's been (though, I had the added assistance of two prior years to build on and adjust from, so I can't take nearly all the credit).

That image, of 'the woman in the black dress', that's a whole other level than like it was at the program. I felt more comfortable, more trusting, more able to let go of the need to control with that 'mythical' woman. I put that word in quotes because I hope very much she's not mythical. To have that deep a trusting with someone would be exactly what I'd be looking for in a life partner to compliment me. I would need to feel that while we made a perfect pair, she could stand all on her own in the multitude of every-day settings that life throws at us. If I had to continually second guess if she could, the relationship would not last.

I've been trying for months to really figure out the kind of person I want to be with so I can either 1. look for those traits in people I meet, and/or 2. not pass over someone I already know who has them but I'm just blind to it at the moment. Figuring out what's really important to me hasn't been as easy as it sounds. "Just create your ideal woman" really is a shitty guideline to try and go by since that always seems to turn into some type of deluded sexual fantasy. So instead of that, I took the only thing I knew... that one fleeting image of whoever she was in whatever dream or imaginary world she came from and decided to start there. Hopefully, one post at a time, I'll be able to collect the personality and character of that elusive woman I keep searching for, and finally end up with a physical body to go with it.....