Monday, October 08, 2007

Ahh a lack of motivation, with a side of revelation...

So, I've got my own place, a comfortable general life situation, no real worries to concern myself with... so why do I also have such a lack of motivation. What's the old saying, "Success breeds complacency but complacency breeds failure." I guess I'm in the process of that one first hand. Luckily though, I still have time to make it not apply to my situation. Finding the motivation to do the work that I have though is going to have to become a priority for me. I know I work well under deadlines, that wonderful productive pressure of writing papers or finishing the project, but how to get done what needs to be done just because it needs to. I have process the pictures, I have to make the dvd's, I have to clean and make my room here an actual room, and no amount of sitting around writing about it is going to get it done. Maybe this is a good thing though. If I can use this as an exercise in self-exploration to actually figure out what gets me motivated it could be the key to the lifestyle I truly desire.

I hate how I sound when I write thoughts/feelings sometimes... it's like everything every creative writing teacher ever told you not to do, is how it just comes out sometimes. Though I imagine it's like that for most people, to use a pottery analogy, we all spit out the same shitty lump of clay but it's just a matter of how we sculpt what we've got to work with.... Anyway,

...I could logically tie this back to not really knowing who I am. Always defining myself by those around my rather than what I'm supposed to. What am I even supposed to define myself by? When I such a diverse group of people around me, from agnostic to fundamentalist, ignorant to tolerant, every spectrum of color and walk of life... how do I use that as a basis for a definition? Can't. Do I define myself by a God or religion, maybe. I'll put that in the possible category. Do I use the sum of my experiences, my past to tell me how to run my present and what to expect from my future. If I do that I'd never know who I am till I look at who I was. That's a no. Could I do that whole introspective look in yourself to find yourself circular reasoning? Sounds like a never ending roller coaster, but maybe. But maybe that's it in a way, I've gotta know who I am to know how to make myself work on my own, how to motivate myself. Most of the things I do, in fact, now that I think about it, near all of them are done because someone else either asks me to, or needs me to and I don't have an objection to them. Climbing, dvd's, pictures, moving, work, you name it... it's not because it's something I actively pursued and desired/wanted myself, it's because someone else did and I didn't have an objection offering my services for the ride. When was the last time I really desired something, went after it, and got it? I don't even know? That realization takes the wind out of me like a sucker punch.

The Great Maker is right with his four questions: 1. Who are you? 2. What do you want? 3. Why are you here? 4. Where are you going?

Clearly, I've got a 0 on the test so far....