Penicillin is my friend

So, to combat Sinus Infection of Doom, the doctor, of course, gave me medicine. By far, this isn't the first time this has happened. I spent every other week in the pediatrician's office when I was growing up with some ear or throat, or tonsil, or sinus infection of some kind or another. Back then, before the prevalence of antibiotic resistant germs, it was prescription after prescription of bubble gum flavored penicillin. We had barely just finished the one that was just in the fridge before the new one was there for whatever was ailing me next. Sometimes I seriously think that I owe more thanks to science and the pharmaceutical companies for bringing and keeping me in this world than I do my parents. Before I digress into the "How I came into this world" story....

This antibiotic, Avelox, which they prescribed me the other day is apparently some newer class of antibiotic designed to kick the crap out of penicillin resistant germs. That's fine, so I can see if we can add something else that actually works to the list of drugs I can take to fight infections. Apparently, my fragile little body is not capable of handling that newer and stronger class of drug because woah side effects. The first day it was just headache and dizziness. Today however, full on migrane, upset stomach, dizziness, nausea... you get the picture. Needless to say, the doctor thought it prudent to have me stop taking that and prescribe something new. And by new I mean old, tried and true, penicillin derived Augmentin.

This got me thinking, and knocking on wood real hard, but what if penicillin ever stopped working for me. The last two not-penicillin based drugs didn't go so well, at all. Logically there must be hundreds of other drugs out there in various strengths and forms but still... it's kind of a scary thought when it's probably inevitable that one day I'll catch a bug that it won't work on. Then what? I know I've never had the immune system of Superman, but I found myself contemplating whether I need to slow down life a bit and start living a bit more in moderation. Maybe just because I can function on 4 hours sleep doesn't mean that I should. Maybe a more static routine is a better thing for at least my health. Could it be that at 24 I need to start thinking about slowing down my life?!?! Growing up, I always pictured my 20's and 30's as wild and crazy times filled with parties, trips, vacations, countless nights spent at the bar or club... Maybe at the end of my 30's or 40's once I've got a wife and kids and bills and a house and stuff could I start to slow things down a bit. I've never been the party pooper. I've always been the last one up to squeeze all the life and experience out of any given moment but maybe I don't need to do that every time. Maybe the summer program will run itself just fine if I don't work 14+ hours a day for a month straight. Maybe giving some time to moderation now will give back more time in longevity. Maybe.... maybe I'm just overreacting.

It wasn't quite this simple...

Boy meets girl.

Boy likes girl.

Boy and girl get to know each other.

Mutual attraction develops.

Dating occurs.

Relationship begins.

Awesome honeymoon period of 1-4 months.

Boy sees things he doesn't like anymore in girl.

Boy decides ending the relationship is the best choice.

Awkward ending relationship time period.

Relationship ends.

Time passes.

Boy talks to girl again because as much as he knows they didn't work out he still misses the things about her that caused him to like her in the first place.

Enter familiar flirtation stage right.

Boy sees how fun and exciting flirtation is.

Boy begins to doubt whether the things that were worth ending the relationship, really were.

Boy feels desire to kiss girl, just to... you know... see what happens.

Boy is faced with a choice: 1. To logically accept that of course since he liked her once, he would like the same things about her again and he really made the right choice ending things because he is blinded to anything but what he likes seeing... 2. Maybe he made a mistake the first time around and hey, let's try this thing again because he really likes her and this time will be different.

Boy looks at other relationships in his past and evaluates how same or different this one would be.

Boy begrudgingly accepts choice one after realizing that "this time" is never any different.

Boy kicks himself for being stupid... again... and gets ready for bed, after setting an alarm so he can wake up and make her breakfast....

Stories, but no time

So, while my life speeds along and I actually accumulate things that I can pretend are worth writing about... I tide you over with a philosophical cartoon, on the purpose of life. Coincidentally, or maybe not so, this has been a big concept on my mind right now, or at least one of two (the other being the oh so simple yet oh so complex question"Who am I?"). Enjoy!









Transcript:

We've got a system of schooling which gives a completely different impression. It's all graded, and what we do is we put the child into the corridor of this grade system, with a kind of "C'mon, kitty kitty kitty!". And you go to kindergarten, you know, and that's a great thing because when you finish that you get into 1st grade. And then, "C'mon, 1st grade leads to 2nd grade!" and so on. And then you get out of grade school and you go to high school and it's revving up, the thing is coming, then you're gonna go to college, and by jove, then you get into graduate school, and when you're through with graduate school you go out to join the world.

And then you get into some racket where you're selling insurance. And they've got that quota to make! And you gotta make that! And all the time, the "thing" is coming! It's coming! It's coming, that great "thing", the success you're working for. And then when you wake up one day, about 40 years old, you say, "My God, I've arrived. I'm there." And you don't feel very different from what you always felt. And there's a slight let-down because you feel there's a hoax.

And there WAS a hoax. A dreadful hoax. They made you miss everything… by expectation. Look at the people who live to retire, who put those savings away. And then when they're 65, they don't have any energy left, they're more or less impotent, and they go and rot in a . . . "Senior Citizens Community".

Because we've simply cheated ourselves the whole way down the line. We thought of life by analogy with a journey, with a pilgrimage, which had a serious purpose at the end, the thing was to get to that end, "success" or whatever it is or maybe heaven, after you're dead. But we missed the point the whole way along. It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing, or to dance, while the music was being played.

A Night To Remember...

Tonight, I learned a lot of things. I learned that there's a reason that I'm not someone who can just talk to people at bars and walk home with numbers... or more. That's just not me, and that's alright. Tonight, I finally became ok with that. 97% of the female population at bars, really just aren't my type of person. And that's alright. I don't know if anyone knows how good it finally feels for me to feel that way.

I learned that there's a reason that I learned German in school. I spent the night talking half in German and half in English and found myself very comfortable in both. That means a lot to me. It means that the 7 years that I spent studying it in school weren't for nothing. That there are over 100 million more people in the world that I can communicate with in addition to those who speak English, and that's absolutely awesome.

I learned that the first and only individuals who were female whom I talked with at a bar and actually hung out with after the bar closed, were German. That just trying to speak their language was so much more than the average person and that made a difference. I was encouraged to speak as much German as I could, even as broken and random as it was. Anything was so much better than nothing.

I learned that I was a good kisser. Yes, that's all that happened and frankly, that's all that was appropriate to happen. I'm not your average guy who brings people home to whatever, that's unquestionably not me. Maybe it's the most superficial of the things that I learned, but it makes a difference to me. It's one thing to think that I'm good, but it's quite another to be told quite certainly that (at least according to her opinion) I certainly am, and that one day "I will have a lucky girlfriend who will enjoy my kissing good". I think that made me feel the best about myself that I've felt in a long time.

I was told that one day I'm going to find a good girl, someone who will appreciate how nice I am and that it will mean a lot for her to be with me. Now, anyone who knows me, knows that this is my deepest wish. If I want nothing else in this world, that's what I want. Someone who's with me for me, and truly loves me, and my optimism and sensitive completes our relationship. Someone who I can build a friendship, and relationship, and life with; someone with whom I can share an unconditional love that transcends any obstacle. Call me a hopeless romantic, I don't care. That's what I want and I won't settle for anything less.

I realized tonight that I've still been on the path of finding myself since I've been un-engaged. Yes, for those of you who didn't know, I was engaged for almost 2 years and I've been spending the last 2 years dealing with that relationship and finding myself. I've been learning and growing for a while now, but can't remember a jump in understanding like this ever before. I'm so glad that we went to Fedo tonight and met everyone we met. The were like emissary's to me and there wasn't a more perfect time for them to fall into my life.

I learned, that for as much as an optimist in though that I am, I now know that everything is going to work out for the best. I feel completely reassured that I will find "her" whomever or wherever she may be. I feel a weight off of my spirit and I'm can't wait to let it soar and find what it may.... I don't care how cliche it sounds, sometimes we just feel something that can't be explained in any other way than using one, and oh well. I'm closer to being at peace than I have in a long long time....

The shadows fade into the light
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me
All I was meant to be?
What if our love
Never went away...

Daughtry"What About Now"

Adventures in time travel...

Dear Zeke,
Hi. This is your future self, about 10 years from now. I just wanted to write to you and tell you that there's no need to worry. In the future, you've got all the answers to all the questions you're asking yourself, you're fit and in the shape you want to be, and are comfortable with where you are in life. You're married to a great girl, having a grand old time watching your daughter grow up (who's now entering kindergarten by the way), and just started finishing the basement of the house you bought a few years back. All your close friends from high school are well within driving distance and you still get together regularly with them.

Sound too good to be true? Ding ding ding... Zeke, tell yourself what you've won!! Well, for one, reassurance that your sarcastic wit is as sharp as ever, that's for sure. Alright, sorry... I had to pull that prank on you because you know that's exactly what you wanted to hear, and you'd never actually believe it if it were told to you. Sure, some of it's accurate, but I'll leave that up to you to figure out which part.

Anyway, on to the point of this letter, since it really wasn't that easy to send back in time to you. I think Wil WheatonQ sums it up best when he said, "Your 20s are about gathering information and experience, and your 30s are about putting it to use." I know it's hard, and confusing, and most days you don't really know what you want or where you're going, but just keep on pushing through it. As ‘glass half full’ as this sounds, it really will pay off for you later, in that “it’s about the journey not the destination” kind of way.

You're going to spend countless hours driving aimlessly trying to make sense of things you can't even put a name to. You'll find scores of introspective songs to pass the miles to while you're trying to let your mind straighten itself out. Even if it doesn't seem like it's really helping then, it does. Don't underestimate the benefit of walking away and taking that personal time, it'll be the greatest help to your sanity besides maybe DS. Yes, you're still close friends with her, and the stuff you've been through together makes these current issues you're in the middle of look like the minor annoyance having to stop for gas when you’re already late to work.

I know that right now, you don’t have a clue about what type of girl you’re looking for and that it’s really bothering you. The confusion of not knowing what the hell you want and overanalyzing why you do or don’t want a particular quality is rather frustrating. Trust me, I know… I’ve been there. Unfortunately though, I don’t have a silver bullet for you on this. It’s not enough to tell you all the qualities of the woman I married, or rather, you will marry, because you’d just look at the list I give you and start overanalyzing it. But, I guess that’s about the only advice I can give you. Make a list. List what you like in your female friends, list what attracts you physically or mentally to someone, write about it; the process of working through it will be infinitely more valuable to you than just getting handed the answer, and infinitely quicker than betting on random chance that you’ll just happen to find her. Just know that you will find her. Maybe not in the way you expected, or where you expected, but she’s out there.

For a long while, longer than you’re comfortable with, your budget is going to be tight. That’s what happens when 20-somethings are starting out, and you’re not immune to that either. As tight as it may be though, keep finding ways to travel and make those random trips. Go to Chicago, Portland, and Los Angeles. Make those random, “Are you insane?” trips out to visit people you’ve never met in person before, or to see old friends for their birthday. Those will be memories and experiences that will go a long way in shaping who you become. You will meet some amazing people that you never expected to change your life, and others who you expected to, but ultimately left you unfulfilled. It’s alright, at the very least they’ll all make great characters in your future books.

So this is my, “Your 20’s really aren’t so bad… seriously” pep talk, because I know that’s exactly what you’ve been needing to hear right now. The reassurance that you will figure it all out, you will overcome these obstacles and you won’t completely f*** up your life. In a way, that’s probably all that anyone really wants. To be reassured that the path they’re on is the right one, or at least, just not the wrong one. You’ll figure out some of your problems, you’ll realize some aren’t as important as you thought, you’ll find new problems to over think and obsess over, but in the end you’ll still get up each morning and go to sleep each night.

Now go heed my advice, be reassured about life, and don’t make me have to write another one of these. It wasn’t easy or cheap re-wiring my quantum computer to send this back in time.



Me

Ahh a lack of motivation, with a side of revelation...

So, I've got my own place, a comfortable general life situation, no real worries to concern myself with... so why do I also have such a lack of motivation. What's the old saying, "Success breeds complacency but complacency breeds failure." I guess I'm in the process of that one first hand. Luckily though, I still have time to make it not apply to my situation. Finding the motivation to do the work that I have though is going to have to become a priority for me. I know I work well under deadlines, that wonderful productive pressure of writing papers or finishing the project, but how to get done what needs to be done just because it needs to. I have process the pictures, I have to make the dvd's, I have to clean and make my room here an actual room, and no amount of sitting around writing about it is going to get it done. Maybe this is a good thing though. If I can use this as an exercise in self-exploration to actually figure out what gets me motivated it could be the key to the lifestyle I truly desire.

I hate how I sound when I write thoughts/feelings sometimes... it's like everything every creative writing teacher ever told you not to do, is how it just comes out sometimes. Though I imagine it's like that for most people, to use a pottery analogy, we all spit out the same shitty lump of clay but it's just a matter of how we sculpt what we've got to work with.... Anyway,

...I could logically tie this back to not really knowing who I am. Always defining myself by those around my rather than what I'm supposed to. What am I even supposed to define myself by? When I such a diverse group of people around me, from agnostic to fundamentalist, ignorant to tolerant, every spectrum of color and walk of life... how do I use that as a basis for a definition? Can't. Do I define myself by a God or religion, maybe. I'll put that in the possible category. Do I use the sum of my experiences, my past to tell me how to run my present and what to expect from my future. If I do that I'd never know who I am till I look at who I was. That's a no. Could I do that whole introspective look in yourself to find yourself circular reasoning? Sounds like a never ending roller coaster, but maybe. But maybe that's it in a way, I've gotta know who I am to know how to make myself work on my own, how to motivate myself. Most of the things I do, in fact, now that I think about it, near all of them are done because someone else either asks me to, or needs me to and I don't have an objection to them. Climbing, dvd's, pictures, moving, work, you name it... it's not because it's something I actively pursued and desired/wanted myself, it's because someone else did and I didn't have an objection offering my services for the ride. When was the last time I really desired something, went after it, and got it? I don't even know? That realization takes the wind out of me like a sucker punch.


The Great Maker is right with his four questions: 1. Who are you? 2. What do you want? 3. Why are you here? 4. Where are you going?

Clearly, I've got a 0 on the test so far....