Frame of mind

When my cousin read my coffee grinds... see previous post... One of the things she said about me right now is that I was burned badly in a previous relationship (right on) and that I had separated that relationship part of me out and have left it to the side.

This couldn't be more right.

I want nothing to do with any relationship right now of any kind... I tease at the thought of it for this person or that... but ultimately... It. Ain't. Happening.

Yes, a lot of it is probably due to that burn. I haven't really set about processing it (frankly I can't quite comprehend it even still) and not processing/comprehending that situation... well... it sure as shit doesn't let me get over it.

More than that though, I just don't want to deal/hear with the minutiae of the other person in a relationship.

I don't want to know how your day was, I don't want to know where you are, where you're going, what you've done, that you're going to fold your laundry, or any other daily shit-task that you're doing. I don't want to make small talk. I don't want a routine to say goodbye at night. I don't want to hear how you're feeling unless I ask...

I have neither the energy or will to care.

Maybe that's cold... but I don't really care about that either.

In regards to relationships that's where my mind is at right now. And if you want to screw... well... you can give it a shot, but 9 times out of 10 it's gonna end up being a no anyway. That's just not typically me. Not for any cockamamie religious belief... those are the furthest things from my mind right now... but simply because the reward isn't worth the risk in my head. It's that simple.

I think I like this spaced out, more stream of conscious type formatting for the blog. I've read other people who use it, and found it annoying at first... however... I've written more in the past week like this then I have in the past few months. And quite frankly, writing something is better than writing nothing for me right now.

Hope it doesn't bother the 3 of you who read this all that much :-p

I bought a typewriter... and other sterotypical things

It's a nice typewriter. I'm actually very excited about my typewriter. I hope it actually fulfills my expectation of helping me not be distracted when I write (type?) and isn't only "well I want to be a writer so I should get a typewriter like all the other famous writers had and used".

I tend to be ridiculous like that sometimes.

Ok. Maybe more often than sometimes.

But who's keeping score.

I'm not.

In addition to my typewriter, I've secured a cabin in the woods for a weekend to type on it. Just far enough outside the beaten path to not effectively get cell reception or data services.

I'll be cut off from the world.

In a cabin.

Writing what I hope to be the first few chapters of a book.

On a typewriter.

Anyone have recommendations for sufficiently stereotypical meals I can/should cook for myself?

Maybe swordfish steaks??

Perhaps I've just ventured off into the deep end.....

Adventures in time travel...

Dear Zeke,
Hi. This is your future self, about 10 years from now. I just wanted to write to you and tell you that there's no need to worry. In the future, you've got all the answers to all the questions you're asking yourself, you're fit and in the shape you want to be, and are comfortable with where you are in life. You're married to a great girl, having a grand old time watching your daughter grow up (who's now entering kindergarten by the way), and just started finishing the basement of the house you bought a few years back. All your close friends from high school are well within driving distance and you still get together regularly with them.

Sound too good to be true? Ding ding ding... Zeke, tell yourself what you've won!! Well, for one, reassurance that your sarcastic wit is as sharp as ever, that's for sure. Alright, sorry... I had to pull that prank on you because you know that's exactly what you wanted to hear, and you'd never actually believe it if it were told to you. Sure, some of it's accurate, but I'll leave that up to you to figure out which part.

Anyway, on to the point of this letter, since it really wasn't that easy to send back in time to you. I think Wil WheatonQ sums it up best when he said, "Your 20s are about gathering information and experience, and your 30s are about putting it to use." I know it's hard, and confusing, and most days you don't really know what you want or where you're going, but just keep on pushing through it. As ‘glass half full’ as this sounds, it really will pay off for you later, in that “it’s about the journey not the destination” kind of way.

You're going to spend countless hours driving aimlessly trying to make sense of things you can't even put a name to. You'll find scores of introspective songs to pass the miles to while you're trying to let your mind straighten itself out. Even if it doesn't seem like it's really helping then, it does. Don't underestimate the benefit of walking away and taking that personal time, it'll be the greatest help to your sanity besides maybe DS. Yes, you're still close friends with her, and the stuff you've been through together makes these current issues you're in the middle of look like the minor annoyance having to stop for gas when you’re already late to work.

I know that right now, you don’t have a clue about what type of girl you’re looking for and that it’s really bothering you. The confusion of not knowing what the hell you want and overanalyzing why you do or don’t want a particular quality is rather frustrating. Trust me, I know… I’ve been there. Unfortunately though, I don’t have a silver bullet for you on this. It’s not enough to tell you all the qualities of the woman I married, or rather, you will marry, because you’d just look at the list I give you and start overanalyzing it. But, I guess that’s about the only advice I can give you. Make a list. List what you like in your female friends, list what attracts you physically or mentally to someone, write about it; the process of working through it will be infinitely more valuable to you than just getting handed the answer, and infinitely quicker than betting on random chance that you’ll just happen to find her. Just know that you will find her. Maybe not in the way you expected, or where you expected, but she’s out there.

For a long while, longer than you’re comfortable with, your budget is going to be tight. That’s what happens when 20-somethings are starting out, and you’re not immune to that either. As tight as it may be though, keep finding ways to travel and make those random trips. Go to Chicago, Portland, and Los Angeles. Make those random, “Are you insane?” trips out to visit people you’ve never met in person before, or to see old friends for their birthday. Those will be memories and experiences that will go a long way in shaping who you become. You will meet some amazing people that you never expected to change your life, and others who you expected to, but ultimately left you unfulfilled. It’s alright, at the very least they’ll all make great characters in your future books.

So this is my, “Your 20’s really aren’t so bad… seriously” pep talk, because I know that’s exactly what you’ve been needing to hear right now. The reassurance that you will figure it all out, you will overcome these obstacles and you won’t completely f*** up your life. In a way, that’s probably all that anyone really wants. To be reassured that the path they’re on is the right one, or at least, just not the wrong one. You’ll figure out some of your problems, you’ll realize some aren’t as important as you thought, you’ll find new problems to over think and obsess over, but in the end you’ll still get up each morning and go to sleep each night.

Now go heed my advice, be reassured about life, and don’t make me have to write another one of these. It wasn’t easy or cheap re-wiring my quantum computer to send this back in time.



Me

Oh what a night...

My AIM away message reads:

"The arduous process of writing a letter of recommendation."

My away time is listed at: 8hours and 47minutes

Yes, that's the kind of night I had... except for the time between 10pm and 11pm... that was Stargate Atlantis.

But now, it's 3:30am and I have to take a sledgehammer to delicately pound on my car tomorrow and get it ready for new bumpers so I can drive it again.

Yes, the Acura Legend is/was a nice car, though, I imagine with 20yr/200k it's, oh... how shall we say it... seen better days? Acutally, a 1998 Acura 3.2CL was pretty much my 'dream car' for quite a little while. Needless to say though, I've gotten rather attached to my 01 Accord coupe. Here's to it's 3rd life!

Real post or two tomorrow, but at the moment, I'm mildly delusional :-D