Friday, January 04, 2008

I hate posts like this...

Sometimes I wonder about this world. I wonder why everyone needs to be first, or act like they're doing "what has to be done" when in point of fact it's just making what could be a good situation awkward and tense and someplace I don't want to be. I have a habit of thinking about the worst possible outcome of pretty much every situation just so that when it happens, I either can say that I expected it or be pleasantly surprised by it. I'm not looking forward to car shopping tomorrow, and might only mildly be more happy about it if I actually get one, because frankly, the stress and uncomfortableness isn't worth it.

I think dread can be one of the worst emotions out there, even worse than the ones simultaneously felt and experienced. Bad is bad, uncomfortable sucks, but dread, is all of them irrationally rolled into one oppressive ball felt at a time that might otherwise be entirely free from stress, strain, or problem. It eats you faster and more thoroughly than guilt when there's nothing but smiles and sunshine around you.

This is why I can't wait to completely move out and have everything that I have to do and deal with be reliant upon only me. These nights of apprehension, days of anxiety about what the people who are so closely associated with me are going to do and reflect upon me. I can't hide in the shadows enough to completely avoid getting lumped together with attitudes and actions I despise. Hopefully soon, once there's nothing left to transfer to me, and all life responsibility is finally my own, these feelings can join depressing blog posts like these and stay buried in the archives of the past.