Looking for the Elusive "Her" #1: She's Independent

Her physical characteristics are vague, but that's not what's important about her. We're at a gallery opening, my gallery opening, or some similar type event. It's your typical movie scene wine and cheese affair. White walls with various pictures and paintings hanging and people milling about. Shiny wooden floor, a mix of recessed and track lighting, you can picture the place... I'm on one side of the room, having just finished talking to someone or some reporter like people but whomever they were, they were individuals who had clearly taken me away from something else I had been doing. There was a silence as they disbursed and I turned around to survey the room and find who I was looking for. There she was, across the room, straight black dress, lightly sequined/sparkly, glass of white wine cupped in her hands, talking to 2 or 3 people. I don't know what she looked like or even what color hair she had, I just remember being wildly impressed, overwhelmed even, by the air of independence she gave off. That regardless of the situation, or what was going on, or who was or wasn't there, she could hold her own and take care of things.... that I could feel comfortable letting her take care of things. I didn't feel like I had to run over and save or help her. She was fully independent, but there with me as well...

In some ways, I think it's that feeling that I'm waiting for from someone else to really allow me to let go and fall into love with them. I'm a control freak about many things and I know that. I deal with that and try (often successfully) to control it so it's not detrimental to the projects I'm working on or things I'm doing.

This past month I've been the director of a summer program(A.K.A Why I've Disappeared) and have had no choice but to let go of a lot of things I'd rather have retained control over myself. However, it was stipulated in my contract that I could only work 192 hours in a two week period, compared to the 273 I had last year. I very closely trusted the two individuals who I had working right under me making decisions in my place, and that helped a lot. But there was always that feeling where I had to be around, not over them, but around because I knew them well enough to know when they'd make decisions based upon their feelings and not the overall good of what needed to be done. That was fine and expected, I still do it too. In the end the program this year turned out more than fantastic and it was the best it's been (though, I had the added assistance of two prior years to build on and adjust from, so I can't take nearly all the credit).

That image, of 'the woman in the black dress', that's a whole other level than like it was at the program. I felt more comfortable, more trusting, more able to let go of the need to control with that 'mythical' woman. I put that word in quotes because I hope very much she's not mythical. To have that deep a trusting with someone would be exactly what I'd be looking for in a life partner to compliment me. I would need to feel that while we made a perfect pair, she could stand all on her own in the multitude of every-day settings that life throws at us. If I had to continually second guess if she could, the relationship would not last.

I've been trying for months to really figure out the kind of person I want to be with so I can either 1. look for those traits in people I meet, and/or 2. not pass over someone I already know who has them but I'm just blind to it at the moment. Figuring out what's really important to me hasn't been as easy as it sounds. "Just create your ideal woman" really is a shitty guideline to try and go by since that always seems to turn into some type of deluded sexual fantasy. So instead of that, I took the only thing I knew... that one fleeting image of whoever she was in whatever dream or imaginary world she came from and decided to start there. Hopefully, one post at a time, I'll be able to collect the personality and character of that elusive woman I keep searching for, and finally end up with a physical body to go with it.....

The rumors of my disappearance have been greatly... well, maybe slightly exaggerated...

But that doesn't mean that I'm back here full time yet either. For those of you who don't know me in real life, I'm currently running a work skills training program for blind or visually impaired high school aged students. I'm the Coordinator of Student Life, aka: Director of the program when the program manager (my boss) isn't around... which has been quite frequently. I oversee all activities related to dorm life (the students live on campus for 2 weeks), Independent Daily Living skills from showering to getting to class on time, recreational activities, schedules for Orientation and Mobility training, as well as overseeing my staff of 7 who interact directly with the students. I'm up every day at 6am and working till about 12am and then hanging and talking with my really really awesome staff until about 2am. I've been here since July 5th and will be here until August 2nd, at which point I will promptly fall face first onto my bed and sleep for at least a day. After that, I'm off to Vegas and Sequoia National Park with my parents for a mini vacation, and then I start work at The Agency full time!! I just got offered a permanent position and while I may be too tired to be excited about it now, I'm pretty sure inside I am. I'm going to be a Transition Counselor for students aged 14-21 for the northern part of my state. Getting them technology, sitting in on IEP meetings, making sure they have an IPE when they graduate, getting them any and all other services they need, that's me for about 200 of them. It may sound like a lot, but believe it or not, it's doable.

That's all for now, and probably the foreseeable next 3 weeks... I've got a metric shit-ton of stuff to do, and quite a long list of incidents/ideas for posts here or other writing so that hopefully once I've got my life back from this program, I'll be able to schedule a regular time to write and actually get some of this out of my head and into reality. I'll try not to make any more empty promises of this time or that time and just say, eventually.

Blogging the week in pictures (and subtitles) #2

Hey, your name is written in the pavement... haha!

Progress.

Bingo. Checkers. Monopoly. Chess. Independence.




If you're a fan of Battlestar Galactica....

Just a little nap after dinner.

If you're really lucky, tomorrow I'll show you my photocopier at the office.....

Blogging the week in pictures (and subtitles) #1

I couldn't not walk through the set on my way to catch the 6:33am train...

Taped to the wall of Track 4 Section A.

Sometimes, I get a little bit OCD at work...

A routine visitor to my cubicle.

Finally, the first 150 copies of my report completed!

I've watched too many "made for TV" movies...

When I was in high school, it was called "being a romantic."
In college, it became "hopeless romantic."
Now.... I think "delusionaly romantic" is appropriate.
I don't know why it is, but every time I go to meet someone new of the female gender, a little part of me starts whispering in the back of my head, "Maybe this one. Maybe this time you'll walk around a corner, see her, she'll look at you, and there will be this magic connection with imaginary bells chiming and you'll just know she's the one and you can stop looking."

I've probably hear that voice 40 or 50 legitimate times(or at least times that voice thought was legit) in the past few years. So often, that it's probably one of the single biggest reasons that I'm still single at the moment. It comes on so often in fact, that it makes me hesitate about starting something with someone who I don't have that spark with. Who might instead, just be a nice, attractive, willing, loyal person who's interested in me. That's not enough. Maybe it should be, and I'm missing out on what could grow into something better than I imagine that spark of a moment to be. But right now I can't do that, it'd be unfair to whomever I was dating at the time. As much as I'd be with them, my mind, my heart wouldn't be completely in it, because around that next corner I'd always be looking for that one person. It's the irony of of all ironies, but I can't stand movies with that plot line.

I hate them so much apparently that I've become one. Shaving, dressing up, trying to look good because I'm going to be meeting a newly hired co-worker tomorrow whom I've never met before. And for whatever reason this week, that voice decided to start talking about her, and "how perfect it would be and how her being it would fit". That I'll walk down to her cubicle and turn the corner and that spark will be waiting there for me in her eyes. Do I sound as pathetic as I feel?

This shares a similarity I think to the reason I can't watch Smallville on TV. Instead of enjoying an episode, I find myself almost depressed after watching one... the more I watch the more depressed I get. Feelings of inadequacy overwhelm me, while even though I know it's just a made up TV show, I still feel like I'm insignificant and doing nothing in comparison to them. I feel guilty that I'm not Superman, or making a difference as an 'ordinary' person like Chloe.

I use what of it I can to my advantage. Using that drive to find ways to do things more efficiently and quickly than others would expect, which has, upon occasion led to praise from bosses and supervisors. I'm sure it's why I have trouble just doing something, and always have to do it well or work at it until I can. It's disconcerting and agitating to me when I feel average, or below at something. I don't have to be the best at everything, I know that's unrealistic, but I'd better be at least in the upper tier of ability (or have a good reason why I'm not, eg. gymnastics - I'm not a flexible 12 year old female) or it's gonna get to me.

So I go to sleep every night, and wake up ever morning, hoping to run into that spark that some part of me is convinced exists somewhere. I don't want to exist on the "maybe you're the one maybe you're not the one" plane of existence I see most everywhere I look. I don't want to wait on their every word or be let down by errant words they might or might not have meant anyway. A equal spark. Like two single lane roads merging seamlessly into one two lane road. Each road still exists unhindered but joined. I don't want to look in the mirror and see my happiness dependent on that person being in my mirror. I want to look at myself in the mirror and see happiness, and then look in the mirror next to mine and see happiness.
I don't want 1+1=2
I want 1+1=11

It wasn't quite this simple...

Boy meets girl.

Boy likes girl.

Boy and girl get to know each other.

Mutual attraction develops.

Dating occurs.

Relationship begins.

Awesome honeymoon period of 1-4 months.

Boy sees things he doesn't like anymore in girl.

Boy decides ending the relationship is the best choice.

Awkward ending relationship time period.

Relationship ends.

Time passes.

Boy talks to girl again because as much as he knows they didn't work out he still misses the things about her that caused him to like her in the first place.

Enter familiar flirtation stage right.

Boy sees how fun and exciting flirtation is.

Boy begins to doubt whether the things that were worth ending the relationship, really were.

Boy feels desire to kiss girl, just to... you know... see what happens.

Boy is faced with a choice: 1. To logically accept that of course since he liked her once, he would like the same things about her again and he really made the right choice ending things because he is blinded to anything but what he likes seeing... 2. Maybe he made a mistake the first time around and hey, let's try this thing again because he really likes her and this time will be different.

Boy looks at other relationships in his past and evaluates how same or different this one would be.

Boy begrudgingly accepts choice one after realizing that "this time" is never any different.

Boy kicks himself for being stupid... again... and gets ready for bed, after setting an alarm so he can wake up and make her breakfast....

What happens when you stare at a screen and the dam finally breaks....

So, I made the decision this weekend that I'm not staying on another year in Philadelphia. I'm relieved, but not happy. In a way, it feels like I've failed. I've failed at moving out and supporting myself on my own. Now, I have to crawl back to my parents house and live there and save money before I try again. In reality it's nothing like that. My parents would most likely have helped me pay the few bills that I needed help with, and supported me as I needed for at least another year at which time I might have been able to save up enough to keep on making a go of it. No, I wouldn't have had a big nest egg to work with, if any.... but who does now? I read so often about friends who are making it paycheck to paycheck, moving around restlessly, searching desperately for roommates to bring the bills down to a barely reasonable level, and part of me thinks, "yeah, that's what this time of life is all about".

But then Vulcan logic kicks in and I remember a piece of advice I once gave to a girl I thought I was going to marry. This was my High School Sweetheart and we were both going through college application craziness. She was applying to a whole bunch of schools that she really wanted to get into and taking it as seriously as most guidance counselors tell most high school students they should. I, on the other hand, hadn't yet even begun to fill out my one page application to community college because I knew I was going there and they don't reject anyone, so why worry?

In retrospect, I think she resented me for that. We planned to take our SAT's on the same day so we could go to the park after we had finished. She went to bed early that night before, ate a breakfast and was there 20 minutes early, just like her Princeton Review course had told her to be. I didn't take any courses, didn't go to bed any earlier, slept in too late, and went to take the test in the shorts and t-shirt that I had slept in. My bed-head conveniently camouflaged under a New York Yankees baseball cap.

She, being a music major (the first of many major changes), had the benefit of an audition where she could prove that she was better than her SAT's said she was. I knew that's where she would shine. I could listen to her sing for hours (less if she chose to sing soprano, but when she sang alto... endless), smile watching her connect with 3-5 year old's until my face was sore, or drift into such a peaceful state listening to her flute echo throughout the church sanctuary. Being with her, made me know that if no other quality, being musically inclined would be one of the quickest ways into my heart.

I digress. She had a contact, a teacher, at her first choice school who her father played with regularly in a band. He mentioned to her father, knowing her talent was more than tests and grades showed, that if she ever decided to come to his school to let him know and he'd help her out. Now, this wouldn't have disproportionately advantaged her against any other applicant, rather, leveled the playing field so to speak. My advice to her at the time (spoken with a heavy grain of religious salt) was that, "[If God] had given you this contact, this ability, isn't it unnecessarily handicapping yourself [and going against God's Will] not to use everything you've been given to accomplish what you want?"

As luck, chance, [God?] would have it, I was born to extraordinary parents, who have enough confidence in how they raised me that they will selflessly give to me above and beyond the call of other parents knowing I won't let them down. Was I entirely out of money for living in Philly? No. Between no interest offers and loans from friends who'd I'd loaned large amounts of money in the past, could I make it? Yes. Would it be easy and would I have much, besides saying I lived in Philly for 2 years, to show for it? No. So I'd be 2 years behind in what life should be [I guess], and have little if any savings to start some real attempt at a stable life because frankly, working 35 hours a week, and commuting 30 hours a week at a minimum is not realistic for anyone.

DS called it before I even really felt it. She knew that this was ridiculous and that I need to stop being whatever I was being and do what needed to be done. As we sat in the Vietnamese place for lunch, "So you're not happy with life at the moment"
"No."
"You're not happy with your commute and overall lack of free time."
"No."
"You're not even happy with the way you look or feel physically."
"Nope."
"Then what the hell are you doing?"
And of course, she was right. I think my trip out to see her was the first step, and my weekend spent at home, just at home this past weekend was the second and final step. I've got someplace to go home too which I've always had. I'm already in the routine of paying out for rent, utilities, etc, so now I can keep that up and just pay it right into a savings account (which my father has agreed to keep so I'm not stupid with the extra money floating around). I'm used to missing 30 hours a week, so now I can take that time, put an extra 2 a day to sleeping (bringing it from 4 hours a night back up to 6ish) and focus those other 4 hours on creative endeavors. I'm going to start keeping a "creative log" of sorts to make sure I don't squander my newfound time on stupid things, like getting lost on the Internet or something else unproductive. I want to try painting. I want to get back to writing music. I need to have 8,000 words in an intelligible novelette or few chapters of a novel by June 30th for a week long Science Fiction writing seminar I want to attend. I'd like to put Linux on my laptop, and make it fully functional on my desktop. I'd like to go rock climbing with Superman again. I'd like to not run myself into the ground during the week, and have to sleep at 12 hour clips on the weekend to catch up.

And now, that it's 3:49ish and I've managed to combine what looks like at least 3 individual posts in to one (possibly) semi-coherent ramble, I'm going to sleep. I'm also reserving the right to edit this once I'm awake and, well... awake.

Blogmark - California

Like the scores of books sitting on myself with colored tassels hanging out of their tops and down their spines, marking places I've long since forgotten that I've read to, so this blogmark holds a place in my blog for my trip to California. This will be where I will explicate the following potentially confusing list of events.

In only a minor representation of no particular order, where:

- I met Gaius Baltar, the harbinger of death to the 12 colonies of Kobol, all for a hot blond and glowing spine;

- I met one of the most significant contemporary musical influences in my life currently;

- I learned that geeks everywhere can bond anywhere;

- Sleeping in an airport is an acceptable means of overnight accommodations;

- I walked 2 miles uphill because 1. I said I would and 2. was too stubborn to stop anywhere but the top;

- I decided to watch a tear-jerker of a movie on a plane surrounded by 5 adult women from the same eye doctor's office coming back from a conference of some sort, presumably having to do with optometry;

- I helped DS successfully think up a good excuse to play hookey from work and spend the day roaming her world, meeting her friends, and enjoying her company just like the old times;

- I traveled the countryside to have lunch with far off friends, because they weren't so far off anymore;

- I decided it was a great idea to take a 10:25pm flight to get me home at 6:45am after the appropriate amount of time and time zone adjustments, and then go right to work at The Agency (my blind co-workers can't see me sleeping, so I won't actually be sleeping then, right?)

- I now go to sleep to rest for my last day with the ocean on the wrong side me and turn off DS's iTunes I've been enjoying listening to (I forgot how much I missed my Robert Miles cassette tape, which I should probably get on CD now...)

Terminator:TSC season finale

The orange creamsicle tasted sweeter than I remembered. Maybe because it had been so long since I had a chance to enjoy such a simple pleasure. This was the first break I had gotten in a long time from trying to save the world... except for school. If you can really count school as a break....

Derek was more relaxed than I'd ever seen him, elbows propped up on the picnic table we were sitting at. Seeing him that relaxed made me tense up and I scanned the park, making note of all the faces and finding at least 4 paths for a quick escape. At least one of us should have our guard up. Mom's training.

I only half listen to Derek as he talks to me. I look around the park again, trying this time to see it from his point of view. Knowing what this place will look like after Judgment Day... and yet, sitting here, barely believing your eyes that it could ever have looked like it does now. Sun shining, kids playing, green grass... hell, the sun or grass of any kind at all....

The baseball, bright white against the emerald grass, brings me back to the present. I had noted the kids playing earlier, but had already deemed them not a threat. That's all the Machines would need to do... create child Terminators. The ball stopped a few feet in front of me and I knelt down to pick it up. The littlest one ran over to get it from me. I smiled at him, or more accurately, the innocent, carefree spirit I saw within him. In his world, there was no other concern but getting that ball and continuing to play with his older brother. For a split second we stared at each other, eyes locked in a familiar sort of gaze. 'Cute kid,' I thought, secretly hoping to myself that he might be one of the ones spared from living through the war with Skynet; That he would never have to loose his innocence....

As he smiles his 'thank you' and runs back to his brother my gaze lingers upon them, observing a life I never led. A life of playing in parks, not living in constant fear that a Machine might be sitting on the bench across the street calculating the best time to kill me. As the children exchange gear and the older one takes the ball something catches my eye. For a split second, it looked like there was a name on the back of the shirt... I watch, silently willing him to turn around again to prove to me it was just an apparition. The older one turns around and I freeze. A million thoughts fly through my head at once, eyes widen, mouth falls agape. It can't be... R-E-E-S-E. It is. My mouth starts to move but no sound comes out. Is that Derek? If that's Derek then that means....

I regain control of my body before my voice and spin to face Derek sitting, smirking at the table, knowing I had just discovered his birthday present to me. "Is.... Is that.... you?" I'm hardly capable of stammering those words out. He says nothing. His eyes move from the kids up to me, a silent answer. I turn back and continue to stare at them, my mouth moving, yet soundless. I turn back, needing to know... "And the younger one... is that...." Derek answers as I trail off, already knowing the question that was coming. "Kyle." It is. That's my father, or rather will be my father....

He's in mid throw as I turn back around to look at him. He looks so focused, completely concentrating on throwing the ball back to his brother. The satisfied look on his face after he makes the 20ft throw causes a smile to tick at the corners of my lips. He runs back to pick up the bat again. "Throws pretty good for a 5-year old, huh?" Derek asks. I didn't need to answer. I couldn't answer. The emotional weight on my chest was beginning to choke me up. He picked up the bat, clearly too big and heavy for him, and choked up almost 4 inches. "Your father always had a nice arm." My heart skips a beat... He knows! Shit, did I give it away? Mom told me not to tell him, I didn't just do that... did I? I swing my torso to face him. Barely louder than a whisper, I choked out, "How'd you know?" Derek looks me in the eye, not hesitating for a moment. "Every time I look at you I see him" as his eyes dart back to the 5-year old Kyle swinging his bat.

My heart once again fills my throat as I'm lost for words. Half a smiling, half in awe my mind is reeling with the events of the past few minutes. My uncle, introducing me to my father decades before my father will conceive me with my mother. It's almost too complex for me to get my head around, but there it is... right in front of me. "Besides, your mom's his type" Derek adds. I slowly turn back to face my father. My body quivers with emotions I can't even being to distinguish. Part of me wants to cry, wants to run over to him and say ' it's ok dad, mom and I are here' .... but he's only 5.

My eyes tear up in the realization that this moment, here and now, is as close as I will ever get to having a complete family.... a normal family like everyone else. A mother, a father, and their child. This is the only time the three of us will ever physically be in the same place during the same time. My lip quivers and an unseen chill runs down my back. "Happy Birthday" Kyle says quietly. My eyes stay locked on my father as I burn every detail of each second into my memory. I've finally met my father.

I swallow hard against the lump in my throat. Happy Birthday.....

Quicksand

14 hour days. That's what I'm running right now. Up at 5:30am, out at 6, on trains from 6:30 to 8:45, working till 4:30, on trains from 4:56 through 6:40pm if I'm lucky(7:40 if I'm not). I'm not looking for a pity party... I'm the idiot who decided to live in Philadelphia and work 20 min from NYC. However what this is, is an excuse. That until I adjust, the phrase "spotty at best" pretty much describes me. Words are a struggle, taking me 3 days to draft and write an e-mail to a friend(hope I didn't ramble too much). Work is slow, and luckily I won't have anything too intense for a while; planning for a program months away and unjamming a copier 23 times in one day isn't too mentally intensive. Basketball tonight was like a slow motion dance where my mind couldn't make my body catch up to the events happening around me.

I'd like to adjust soon, if that's alright with life, that is...

Stories, but no time

So, while my life speeds along and I actually accumulate things that I can pretend are worth writing about... I tide you over with a philosophical cartoon, on the purpose of life. Coincidentally, or maybe not so, this has been a big concept on my mind right now, or at least one of two (the other being the oh so simple yet oh so complex question"Who am I?"). Enjoy!









Transcript:

We've got a system of schooling which gives a completely different impression. It's all graded, and what we do is we put the child into the corridor of this grade system, with a kind of "C'mon, kitty kitty kitty!". And you go to kindergarten, you know, and that's a great thing because when you finish that you get into 1st grade. And then, "C'mon, 1st grade leads to 2nd grade!" and so on. And then you get out of grade school and you go to high school and it's revving up, the thing is coming, then you're gonna go to college, and by jove, then you get into graduate school, and when you're through with graduate school you go out to join the world.

And then you get into some racket where you're selling insurance. And they've got that quota to make! And you gotta make that! And all the time, the "thing" is coming! It's coming! It's coming, that great "thing", the success you're working for. And then when you wake up one day, about 40 years old, you say, "My God, I've arrived. I'm there." And you don't feel very different from what you always felt. And there's a slight let-down because you feel there's a hoax.

And there WAS a hoax. A dreadful hoax. They made you miss everything… by expectation. Look at the people who live to retire, who put those savings away. And then when they're 65, they don't have any energy left, they're more or less impotent, and they go and rot in a . . . "Senior Citizens Community".

Because we've simply cheated ourselves the whole way down the line. We thought of life by analogy with a journey, with a pilgrimage, which had a serious purpose at the end, the thing was to get to that end, "success" or whatever it is or maybe heaven, after you're dead. But we missed the point the whole way along. It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing, or to dance, while the music was being played.

Nights like these

What does one do, when the words won't come, the spirit won't rest, and the body won't sleep?

Looks like for me, it's having an open blog window sitting on my desktop all night long, pace mentally and physically, and I don't.

Happy Monday.

I love Germans... and other various happenings

It's 3:30am and in the past week I've had enough meat and beer to kill a small elephant. Seriously, I'm not trying to stereotype an entire culture, but the 5 Germans that I've spent time with this past week really do live on beer, bread, meat, and cheese. Like, woah. Just this weekend, we've gone through almost 7 or 8 pounds of London Broil steak, and 4 cases of beer(not counting what we had out at bars). If you're thinking, "wow, that sounds really excessive" you're right. It is excessive, but lucky for my body 2 have left already, 2 leave tomorrow, and that leaves only one German here until the middle of April.

Besides the 'blitzkreig' on my digestive system, it's been such a blast having them here. M has been home on spring break, Surfer just got back from a stay in costa rica(for surfing), and since almost all the Germans have been friends of GC's he's been around all the time too. The cool thing about that, is that all 4 of us took an extensive amount of German in high school (personally, German 1,2,3,4,and AP, as well as a 201 and 301 in college, while both M, Surfer, and GC have spent a minimum of 6 months in Germany at one time or another in addition to the classes in school) So we'll be sitting around talking, or huddling by a bonfire to keep warm(like tonight) and spend 70% of the conversation all speaking in German. I've used my German more in the last two weeks then I have in the last two years combined and the improvement I can hear in myself is quite refreshing. I know that I've lost sooooo much having not spoken it often, but it's also coming back much quicker than I expected.

In other, non-German related news... the Intranet I have been developing since November finally went live on Thursday!!! It's still a bit sparse and a little rough, but it's up for testing and the scores of suggestions that I hope to get for content. It wasn't without it's glitches though. So, one of the things my boss's boss (the one who assigned me this project) wanted was a way for the counselors to all communicate with each other and have an interactive calendar for events they want to let other counselors know about. So I did my research and found an module for the PHPBB2.0.23 bulletin board/forum program. Great, it does everything we wanted and we couldn't ask for more. Well, I get the message Thursday freaking morning, that the servers we're hosting the Intranet on, are not allowed to have the language PHP installed on them. That forum, is made entirely in PHP. About 20 minutes later, I have a 4 page sheet on my desk outlining all the languages and programs that are either preferred, accepted, or denied. Would this not have been helpful for me to have oh... say... back in NOVEMBER!!!! I told boss's boss that he can forget about his counselor communication method for the foreseeable future until I find something else that will work. Luckily for me, he's also a geek like myself and knew exactly how stupid it was for them to refuse to install PHP and didn't blame me for it in any way.

After work on Thurs my boss, MJ, and I all went out for a few drinks to celebrate MJ's birthday. It was a lot of fun even just the 3 of us. We all get along really well, both in a professional and personal environment. I'm sure though, that we looked like quite the odd gathering, a man almost in his 50's with kids starting college, a woman in her 30's with a guide dog, and a 24 year old just getting started. Personally, I think my boss just wanted to hear stories of MJ and I when we were in college so he had an idea what his daughters were actually doing while they were away at school, especially since I've spent weekends parting at the school his eldest now goes to.

Saturday(technically today), I'm taking my mother to see a play of Macbeth staring Patrick Stewart(Captain Jean Luc Piccard/ Professor X) in Brooklyn. It will be my second time going and I'm so very excited.... again. The first time was utterly amazing, and I look forward to any more nuisances that I can pick up on this time around.

Sunday we'll undoubted do our traditional hunt for plastic, money filled easter eggs. We've done it every year as long as I can remember, and I still find it amazing that my father can hide those eggs in the same room for 10 years and my brother and I still usually have trouble finding the last few. After dinner then I head back to Philly, just about for good. I've got monthly train passes for April from Philly, basketball and indoor soccer leagues(kickball was canceled much to my dismay) start in just under 3 weeks, and I'd like to actually spend some time living in my apartment and city. Wednesday E and I are headed to a 76ers game and at some point the last German and GC are coming in to hang out and see the bars... I mean... sights :-)

A Night To Remember...

Tonight, I learned a lot of things. I learned that there's a reason that I'm not someone who can just talk to people at bars and walk home with numbers... or more. That's just not me, and that's alright. Tonight, I finally became ok with that. 97% of the female population at bars, really just aren't my type of person. And that's alright. I don't know if anyone knows how good it finally feels for me to feel that way.

I learned that there's a reason that I learned German in school. I spent the night talking half in German and half in English and found myself very comfortable in both. That means a lot to me. It means that the 7 years that I spent studying it in school weren't for nothing. That there are over 100 million more people in the world that I can communicate with in addition to those who speak English, and that's absolutely awesome.

I learned that the first and only individuals who were female whom I talked with at a bar and actually hung out with after the bar closed, were German. That just trying to speak their language was so much more than the average person and that made a difference. I was encouraged to speak as much German as I could, even as broken and random as it was. Anything was so much better than nothing.

I learned that I was a good kisser. Yes, that's all that happened and frankly, that's all that was appropriate to happen. I'm not your average guy who brings people home to whatever, that's unquestionably not me. Maybe it's the most superficial of the things that I learned, but it makes a difference to me. It's one thing to think that I'm good, but it's quite another to be told quite certainly that (at least according to her opinion) I certainly am, and that one day "I will have a lucky girlfriend who will enjoy my kissing good". I think that made me feel the best about myself that I've felt in a long time.

I was told that one day I'm going to find a good girl, someone who will appreciate how nice I am and that it will mean a lot for her to be with me. Now, anyone who knows me, knows that this is my deepest wish. If I want nothing else in this world, that's what I want. Someone who's with me for me, and truly loves me, and my optimism and sensitive completes our relationship. Someone who I can build a friendship, and relationship, and life with; someone with whom I can share an unconditional love that transcends any obstacle. Call me a hopeless romantic, I don't care. That's what I want and I won't settle for anything less.

I realized tonight that I've still been on the path of finding myself since I've been un-engaged. Yes, for those of you who didn't know, I was engaged for almost 2 years and I've been spending the last 2 years dealing with that relationship and finding myself. I've been learning and growing for a while now, but can't remember a jump in understanding like this ever before. I'm so glad that we went to Fedo tonight and met everyone we met. The were like emissary's to me and there wasn't a more perfect time for them to fall into my life.

I learned, that for as much as an optimist in though that I am, I now know that everything is going to work out for the best. I feel completely reassured that I will find "her" whomever or wherever she may be. I feel a weight off of my spirit and I'm can't wait to let it soar and find what it may.... I don't care how cliche it sounds, sometimes we just feel something that can't be explained in any other way than using one, and oh well. I'm closer to being at peace than I have in a long long time....

The shadows fade into the light
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me
All I was meant to be?
What if our love
Never went away...

Daughtry"What About Now"

Are pictures worth a thousand words?

Here’s how it works:

1. Go to www.photobucket.com
2. Type in your answer to the question in the “search” box
3. Use only the first page
4. Copy the html and paste for the answer. (For Wordpress [not sure about other hosts] you’ll have to click on the Code tab and paste, not Visual.)

****

1. What is your relationship status?

2. Who is your celebrity crush?

3. Who is your favorite band?

4. What is your favorite movie?

5. What kind of pet do you have?

6. Where do you live?

7. Where do you work?

8. What do you look like?

9. What do you want most in life?

10. What do you drive?

11. What is your favorite tv show?

12. Describe yourself:

13. What is your name?

14. What’s your favorite candy?

Smooth Move (this is a stolen title)

So the title of this post is stolen. I stole it. I did that because it fits so absolutely perfectly to the ending of my day at work I couldn't not steal it. I'll take this moment to beg the writer's forgiveness for taking the title and even link back to her post just like if I were citing a source in a paper I was writing. Now, with that taken care of...

So today at work, the main event of the day, was moving the contents of my cubicle across the office to the my new cubicle. I think I like the new one much better than the old one I had. First, it's bigger... and when it comes to cubicle space, bigger is most definitely better. Second, it's part of a office wide reorganization to group units together, so now instead of getting 20 phone calls from a team member, she is within talking distance of me so she can just ask me whatever she needs. The second part of this second reason is now that I'm over so close to her, chances are I'll be getting a large, black, four-legged visitor walking over to my cubicle to say hello to me multiple times a day. I love my job :-)

So, I move all the big boxes of hanging file folders and desk organizers and miscellaneous Battlestar Galactica merchandise I've brought in to the new spot with no problems. I go back to bring boxes of paper that I use to print up copies of my report and I don't know if I was just tired and forgot to loosen my pants, or if they were defective to begin with, or what, but I kneel down and as I pick up the first case of paper, I hear a gigantic rip. As loud and as comical sounding a rip as you'd hear in any half hour sitcom on television. I almost thought it was fake, until I felt a draft...

Yes, that's right, it doesn't just happen on tv and in the movies, I split the ass seam of my pants right down the middle. I wasn't quite sure what to do that moment, since I still had the box of paper in my arms, so I looked out both directions of the cubicle, and then just walked over when no one was coming. No one had needle and thread for me to attempt some sort of re-seaming by hand on it (yes, I sew) nor saftey pins, so from 2pm until I left the office today, I had the arms of my jacket tied around my waist, coving the foot long hole exposing my boxers to my colleagues.

I was actually much less embarrassed than I would have though that I'd be in that situation, probably as a result of reading the original "smooth move" and remembering my own advice. Yeah, it felt a little awkward walking around making sure my coat was tied around my waist, but other than that... I think more people were confused by the amused smile I had on my face than anything else. So yes, that was my "smooth move" today and why I had to absolutely steal that title for this post. And just to prove it to anyone who thinks I'm telling a tall tale:

Rock around the clock...

Sun 10am: Wake up in Chicago to spend the last time of day with Actress before Surfer and I head back east.

Sun 12pm: We put in Office Space to watch for the first time. I thought it was ok, but thought the plot was super weak and couldn't relate at all. I actually love my job and love working in cubicles more than I ever expected to!

Sun 3pm: Get to airport and bid Chicago farewell.

Sun 4:30pm: Run into same Relationship Girl from Philly that we met on the flight here (what are the odds we all picked the same flights). If I didn't explain this before, I'll clarify later.

Sun 8pm: Back in Philly safely, got Surfer's luggage, and took taxi back to my apartment

Sun 9pm: I get the key that E left for me after he finished installing our new door, that actually closes and locks now! It'll be nice to feel safe in my own apartment again. Took out the garbage and showed Surfer my finally repaired car which he was mighty impressed with

Sun 10:30pm: Spend time at Surfer's house talking with his parents and helping him pack for Costa Rica which he was leaving for tomorrow

Sun 11:30pm: Finally decide that I'm going to drive Surfer and his friends to the airport in GW's truck once he gets back from NYC but after we drop Surfer's sister's car off to get fixed.

Monday 12:30am: Drop Surfer's sister's car off to get fixed. Narrowly avoid 3rd major accident by not getting hit by idiot who decided to run the red light when I was making a left turn on green. Unanimous decision to officially name my car "Lazarus" or "Laz" for short as a result of it's death and resurrection experiences. Finally, after 133,476 miles my car has an official name. I'm happy.

Mon 1am: Go over to GW's apartment to pick up his truck. Hang out with a random German and GW's little sis for a while.

Mon 1:30am: Back to Surfer's house where he makes pancakes for us to eat cause we didn't get dinner really and were still kinda hungry from the day's events. Realize at this point there will be no sleep tonight.

Mon 2:30am: Leave Surfer's house all packed, get gas for GW's truck, a Red Bull (the big 12oz) for me, and go to his friend's house to pick everyone else up.

Mon 3:45am: Pick the 4 of them up, load 11 surf boards and 5 bags into the bed of GW's truck and head to Newark Airport

Mon 4:45am: Get to Newark, drop Surfer and friends off safely and I head back to GW's with his truck since he needs it for work at 6:30am

Mon 6am: Drop keys and a $20 off at GW's place. The genius he is locked the front door, so I had to break into the back sliding door to leave the keys and money inside.

Mon 6:30am Get back to my parents house to change, get what I need for work, and write this post, because blogging is starting to become a minor obsession... and I like it.

PRESENT TIME: Finishing this post, making lunch, and getting ready to go to the train

For those of you keeping score, that's correct, I will have gotten exactly 0 hours sleep for work today! Luckily my main task for today is moving the contents of my cubicle across the office to be closer to the rest of my Executive Services Unit people. This means that I will now have a large black lab randomly wandering over into my cubicle during the day to say hi when he feels like it.... and that's made of awesomeness. I'd like to take this moment to once again thank my father's genetic history that allows me to do these crazy things to help out my friends. I'm really really glad that it's something I'm capable of doing.

And now, I'm off to work! Have a good day everyone!!!

Pre, during, and post weekend updates.

My day started at 5am today… after going to sleep at 2am (my own damn fault, but the pilot episode of New Amsterdam showed real promise for the rest of the series). I power-walked it all the way to the train station from my apartment (which is not easy to do that early in the morning) and made it on the train with 2 minutes to spare. For the first 5 station stops I think I seriously just contemplated what was going on in my head when I decided to move to Philadelphia. If E had said Hoboken, well now, that would have made an infinite amount more sense for me… but he didn’t, and I’m in Philly.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen when it’s Actress, E and I starting in August. If the 3 bedroom units aren’t available at the complex we’re at now, my time in Philly may be drastically shortened simply due to the cost of commuting to Newark. If I didn’t mention yet, that’s the plan starting in August. Actress is moving from Chicago to Philly to live with E and I which I think I’m excited about. At the very least it means that Surfer will be around more since they’ve got a ‘thing’ going on, and it’d be cool to have him around more. I love her to death and she’s one of my best friends, but if there’s one thing the apartment won’t be anymore, it is quiet :-P I don’t mind saying it here, cause it’s something I’ve said to her before, and she knows well. I try not to say anything I wouldn’t say to that person directly. Unless it’s one of those “I like you but I don’t know/doubt that you like me” situations… but that’s understandable.

The sun didn’t come up until I was already in Trenton, or get through the morning fog until I got to Newark. The ride from Trenton to Newark was a load of fun though. Two women and 4 little girls were all taking a trip to NYC, and the one woman was as talkative to strangers as my father is. So we chatted the entire ride. I explained to her how the trains work (they were from Delaware), talked about jobs, kids, teaching, and the progression from childhood through adolescence. It was exactly the positive experience in the morning that made up for having the off-peak train ticket, when I thought I had the peak ticket, which forced me to give the conductor my last dollar bill, and fish out 5 quarters, 4 dimes, and 2 nickels to complete the rest of my fare. I think he thought I was being an ass by giving him change, but that was seriously the only money I had with me… today’s pay day thankfully.

Tonight I leave for Chicago for Actress’s birthday! No, if you’re wondering, I really didn’t have the money to afford this plane ticket but fortunately and unfortunately it was bought before I realized the predicament that I was in. I’ll be paying for nothing but train tickets, gasoline, and bills for the next two months at least. Oh well, on the positive side, maybe they’ll be a financial incentive to start working out more and eating a bit less to get in ‘summer shape’ a little earlier this year. I’m starting to feel optimistic about even that. My car is finally back, fully repaired and running flawlessly so I can go rock climbing again and E and I are going to be joining a city indoor soccer and kickball (yes, an adult kickball league) starting the end of this month. I’ve missed organized sports.

Somehow that last paragraph went from Chicago to kickball… anyway.


Post Script:

I’m fully convinced that the copier on the second floor, not only has a personality of it’s own, it spites me for coming down only to print out more copies of my report, and is developing the means with which to strike back at me. I think it might be Skynet… details to follow if today isn’t Judgment Day.

Post Post Script (on Sunday at 3:31AM) Everything written above was from work on Friday when I was actually being productive in the office as well as writing a blog. I can't do much else when the copier is churning out 50 more coppies of my report... Apparently other people in the office liked it so much when the walked by my cubicle and saw it that they wanted some to give out to the trainings and things they're hosing in the coming weeks. That's on top of the 150 we're sending to every NJ state senator, state assemblyman, and county freeholder.

Right now I'm in Chicago and it's been overall a good time. Yes, I had the tendency to get in my usual overanalyzing mood, but other than that it's all good. After our plane got delayed 5 hours and we finally got to Chicago, we went to sleep. Saturday we went to the top of the Sears Tower, out to Giordano's for stuffed pizza for lunch, dropped Actress's sister off at the bus station to head back to school, then went out to dinner at a place aptly named "Stuff Yer Face", and then finished the night out at the Chicago Brauhaus which was the most kick ass bar I've ever been to. Nothing but true German beers on the menu, polka music (or polka renditions of familiar songs), and lots of musicians and waitresses and friends who spoke German! It felt really good to use it again... and to drink liter glasses of "ausgezeichnete Deutsches Bier"!!! *roughly translated, "awesome German beer" Now, it's time to sleep, because once again I decided to travel on the weekend where Daylight Savings Time changes (I think this is like 3 out of the last 4 times, no joke) and then we're cooking breakfast in the morning! Plane leaves for home at 4:25pm on Sunday and then work on Monday!

Adventures in time travel...

Dear Zeke,
Hi. This is your future self, about 10 years from now. I just wanted to write to you and tell you that there's no need to worry. In the future, you've got all the answers to all the questions you're asking yourself, you're fit and in the shape you want to be, and are comfortable with where you are in life. You're married to a great girl, having a grand old time watching your daughter grow up (who's now entering kindergarten by the way), and just started finishing the basement of the house you bought a few years back. All your close friends from high school are well within driving distance and you still get together regularly with them.

Sound too good to be true? Ding ding ding... Zeke, tell yourself what you've won!! Well, for one, reassurance that your sarcastic wit is as sharp as ever, that's for sure. Alright, sorry... I had to pull that prank on you because you know that's exactly what you wanted to hear, and you'd never actually believe it if it were told to you. Sure, some of it's accurate, but I'll leave that up to you to figure out which part.

Anyway, on to the point of this letter, since it really wasn't that easy to send back in time to you. I think Wil WheatonQ sums it up best when he said, "Your 20s are about gathering information and experience, and your 30s are about putting it to use." I know it's hard, and confusing, and most days you don't really know what you want or where you're going, but just keep on pushing through it. As ‘glass half full’ as this sounds, it really will pay off for you later, in that “it’s about the journey not the destination” kind of way.

You're going to spend countless hours driving aimlessly trying to make sense of things you can't even put a name to. You'll find scores of introspective songs to pass the miles to while you're trying to let your mind straighten itself out. Even if it doesn't seem like it's really helping then, it does. Don't underestimate the benefit of walking away and taking that personal time, it'll be the greatest help to your sanity besides maybe DS. Yes, you're still close friends with her, and the stuff you've been through together makes these current issues you're in the middle of look like the minor annoyance having to stop for gas when you’re already late to work.

I know that right now, you don’t have a clue about what type of girl you’re looking for and that it’s really bothering you. The confusion of not knowing what the hell you want and overanalyzing why you do or don’t want a particular quality is rather frustrating. Trust me, I know… I’ve been there. Unfortunately though, I don’t have a silver bullet for you on this. It’s not enough to tell you all the qualities of the woman I married, or rather, you will marry, because you’d just look at the list I give you and start overanalyzing it. But, I guess that’s about the only advice I can give you. Make a list. List what you like in your female friends, list what attracts you physically or mentally to someone, write about it; the process of working through it will be infinitely more valuable to you than just getting handed the answer, and infinitely quicker than betting on random chance that you’ll just happen to find her. Just know that you will find her. Maybe not in the way you expected, or where you expected, but she’s out there.

For a long while, longer than you’re comfortable with, your budget is going to be tight. That’s what happens when 20-somethings are starting out, and you’re not immune to that either. As tight as it may be though, keep finding ways to travel and make those random trips. Go to Chicago, Portland, and Los Angeles. Make those random, “Are you insane?” trips out to visit people you’ve never met in person before, or to see old friends for their birthday. Those will be memories and experiences that will go a long way in shaping who you become. You will meet some amazing people that you never expected to change your life, and others who you expected to, but ultimately left you unfulfilled. It’s alright, at the very least they’ll all make great characters in your future books.

So this is my, “Your 20’s really aren’t so bad… seriously” pep talk, because I know that’s exactly what you’ve been needing to hear right now. The reassurance that you will figure it all out, you will overcome these obstacles and you won’t completely f*** up your life. In a way, that’s probably all that anyone really wants. To be reassured that the path they’re on is the right one, or at least, just not the wrong one. You’ll figure out some of your problems, you’ll realize some aren’t as important as you thought, you’ll find new problems to over think and obsess over, but in the end you’ll still get up each morning and go to sleep each night.

Now go heed my advice, be reassured about life, and don’t make me have to write another one of these. It wasn’t easy or cheap re-wiring my quantum computer to send this back in time.



Me

Portland, a pictorial summary of my trip...