Monday, December 24, 2007

What a frakking week...

This week started and ended on the two of some of the worst two freaking notes that I could pretty much have. Or maybe, just two of the biggest inconveniences. Or maybe not even that, and I'm just a materialistic frakking American. I don't know. I mean, signed on to write this post about how two of the worst things possible happened to me but I can't figure out why I'm still alright and not as phased as I feel that maybe I should be. As my fingers start to flow over the keyboard, and my mind fuels their direction, I find that I'm not really writing what I expected to be writing. So, the facts of the matter, are that on last Saturday my car was totaled, and this Saturday my $500 phone was somehow crushed in a car door. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a person who thinks things are just simply expendable, and have the ability to throw money at the problem like whatever, but I don't feel nearly as upset about those things as I feel like I should be... like I was last year this time.

Last year this time, I was just about to break through and start to come out of my full on depression. I had watched 87 episodes of Inu Yasha and scores of other movies and tv shows online, closed, in my room avoiding the world. I spent till all hours of the night perfecting my first report for The Agency, back when they still had me on a long leash working from home. Looking back I was so closed to the world that I wouldn't even want my windows opened in my room. Yeah, it was more than just the first accident with my car, it was that "post-college graduate funk" that we all go through, it was the complete withdrawal from anything IV at all, and of course my seasonal affective disorder. I was a mess... in the lowest point that I've been to thus far in life.

Now, they're just things. The car can be replaced, shit like that happens, it wasn't my fault and it'll all be alright. I'll get a car that I like, or I'll get some other good fortune out of it, like taking transplanting the old dark interior into my new car with a light interior with Surfer Boy. We'll spend the weekend, bond, have a good time, and I'll learn a hell of a lot more about my car. Is it an inconvenience now, yeah, but there's really nothing permanently detrimental in any way happening. The train takes me to work, my parents help out cause they're awesome, and I get to re-appreciate the value of just having a car. The phone can be replaced, it's just a phone, there are over 2 billion of them out there. Yes, it sucks it was my money I just cracked, and that I have to endure whatever reaction I'm gonna get from dad, but I screwed it up and nothing's really gonna change that. So I suck it up, deal with it, and move on.

There are so many worse things that could have happened. Deaths, personal injuries, global incidents.... Seriously, something like a Christmas bombing in Jerusalem would be loads worse than my personal auto or shitty phone. My aunt has been through an unbelievable road of some really rough shit in the past five years. These things of mine don't even play into any of it. They're so far removed from being anything remotely important it's absurd. Maybe I'm just in a better place this time, maybe this is part of my transition to a more adult thought process, maybe I'm starting to accurately assess the value in the different things in my life..... but whatever it is, I think it's definitely a step in the right direction, to a better me.